Getting Better ….. slowly

So I was sick for 4 weeks. I experienced almost all the symptoms. And I still have a lingering cough. Le sigh. It probably doesn’t help that I’m forgetting to use my inhaler as much as I should.

So …… I am slowly getting back into working out. I was out of shape before I got sick. So for now, I’m sticking to pretty toned down workouts. Like less than 20 minutes hehe. NOT including the warm up and stretching, of course.

I’m feeling super wimpy but I have to remember how much more energy I need for the kids as well.

So that’s about it. I also need to get back on the wagon with my blood type diet and my intermittent fasting.

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Name Changes

So recently I found some Shi’a women to talk to. Online, in various places. It’s nice because there’s no such thing over here where I live. I’m a bit isolated.

And she talked to me about changing my daughter’s name. I never even thought about it.

In my sect, it’s the name of a opressor. So I asked my daughter if she’d like another name. And she did. I didn’t realise it had actually bothered her so much.

My husband and her step-sister don’t want it to be changed. Oh boy. I told her that I’d have it changed next year. Her new name is going to be Zahra Ruquayah. Their names of very precious and pious women. She’s even better behaved. yay.

And she calls me Zainab. She’s the only one that calls me that for now. But I like it. Named after a pious woman who refused to break. I wish to be more like that.

Sometimes a bit stupid

So just last night my husband had said in front of our kids, that I’m stupid half the time. I sometimes get things rights.

I felt so stupid. He treats me like I’m stupid anyways. He’s smarter than me. Older than me. More experienced than me. He can read and write and speak Arabic fluently and I can not. And he likes to rub it in because I’m half Arab and thinks its funny. Loves to tell me I’m too American.

And he’s cheated on me so many times. I feel super insignificant and easily replaceable. It’s so easy for him.

He has told me countless times that I don’t matter. I’m just a statistic. Just the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Rubs it in that my mom was “cracker crackhead”. He thinks its funny that I didn’t know that she was a crackhead. He loves that.

He’s let me know that no one cares and everyone will leave and become annoyed with me and abandon me.

Part of me feels like its breaking under all of this. Part of me feels stubborn for the hell of being stubborn. But sometimes I get so tired and I have no real break from the hardship.

Sometimes it helps to think that when the time is right, when the kids older, that, God willing, he’ll miraculously die and then me and my children can finally move on. But how many more years do I have to wait? He gets worse and worse every year. NO matter how much better he appears to be. He knows how to pretend and that makes him insidious.

I know I’m probably depressed but there’s not much I can do if I’m still married to him.

I’m getting harder and harder to stay strong and not get weaker. Especially since he still has all his secrets. I can’t trust him. But then I’m just that weak wife that he doesn’t want. The one that gets made fun of by everyone for being cheated on. Again and again. Its funny how I get to be the villain no matter what I do and sacrifice for my family.

I guess it kind of ties in with this Spiritual month too. A righteous man was killed and some people, not all, villainize him, cast doubt on him and side with his oppressor.

My daughter has recently started calling me Zainab. I like it. She was a righteous woman who didn’t let her brother’s enemies break her. It inspires me to not let my husband break me. But sometimes its really hard.

My first Muharram

This is my first Muharram. Technically I have been Muslim for 14 years now. But when I was a Salafi and a Sunni no one really emphasised Muharram for me.

I became Shi’a last year but this year is the first year where I have had any bit of heightened awareness, so to speak.

It is overwhelming. It feels like a daunting task that I very much want to tackle.

It is the first month of the Islamic calender, but its a month of mourning. And the tragedy that was occuring I don’t even know how many years ago, is so tragic. Its tragic and horrific.

So this Muharram and I want to strengthen my spiritual connection and try to avoid my husband as much as I can.

I feel the loneliness and the emotional abandonement much more severely during times like this. Many couples work together for things like this, but I’m doing it by myself.

The family of the Prophet (s.a.w.s.) did not escape their pain and it doesn’t look like I will be able to either.

It is very lonely. And the only thing I can expect from him is an intellectual/religious/philosophical conversation. Nothing more. I know better than to reach out for that false hope.

I know many religious people, say that during this time, your pains go away when your remember such a tragedy. But for me, it just reinforces it for me. At least they had each other and died together. I don’t even have that. Its just me. I’m the bad guy to my kids, and teh good guy. I’m the major provider, nurterer, etc. Its everything and its very hard with very little help from HIM.

But I’m going to try and do my best during this sad, holy month.

 

Out of Sync

Right now I”m feeling completely and utterly out of sync.

I may have enjoyed too much of my free time without the kids and am having a hard time getting things done.

I’m realizing that certain things I need to avoid because they are complete time wasters.

And that some other things I need to help keep me focused – like exercise.  I know I’m also having issues with mental focus and I may look up some ways to heighten that. Tweak my diet, among other things.

This past week and a half, we have been living on rice and eggs. Just that. so …. better budgeting for this next month. Thats for sure.

I have also found that I do much better with potatoes and whole grain, REAL whole grain bread. NOT rice and noodles.

That is for sure.

I can’t wait for tomorrow, the first, so I can put it all into affect. I also have to wait for some Yoga pants. Exercise clothes really do help getting into the right mindset.

So I’m glad that I know what I need now.

 

 

New Start or BS

So my husband, recently told me that our marriage didn’t become valid until we both became Shi’a.

Which, I get, intellectually, and all. And I understand it. But people don’t forget what you did. My husband expects people just to accept him and everything because he became Shi’a, like he is born again. Slate completely wiped clean.

But I disagree. People remember.

He won’t apologize because of his ego. He doesn’t believe in begging his children or anyone else for forgiveness. People that he sees as less than him. And spending too much time with us, and he says, “I have to go pray/search/recite so I don’t go to hell.”

He’s told me multiple times me and my children are leading him to hell.

A way to make me feel loved.

And he just expects automatic forgiveness. Acts like the past 13/14 years of things don’t matter. You can’t act like that and not expect to put in work.

Just one more crazy thing to add to the list.

I know its too late for me and my marriage. Because he’s an idiot when it comes to relationships. He treats his friends with more love and respect than he ever has me or any of his children.

I just find this new aspect to be incredibly frustrating.

 

Soooo Common …….

My husband has been saying several times now over several years, that cheating on your wife isn’t that big of a deal. Because it is sooooo incredibly common.

Its so nice that my pain and my tears and my personal hell, are so common and trivial.

And I don’t say anything because my husband is so great at mind games.  He’ll act intellectual and philosophical as a part of his mind games. ughhhh. le sigh.

My husband dad would take him out as a kid. and he’d meet his dad’s other women. So my husband thinks its completely normal. He had told his mother where they went, which wasn’t what his dad had said. And ……….. that was the last time my husband’s dad took him out anywhere.

So this is why he always says its normal.

Mentally, I understand that he’s rationalizing, maybe to appease his guilt. I don’t know.

I know sometimes I’ll end up crying after he says these things to me. My mind and my heart just can’t get on the same page.

 

 

Lectures on Sex

So several weeks ago, my husband was giving me lectures on sex. Like how sex is supposed to be in marriage. In Islamic Marriage (Shi’a).

I couldn’t even be angry. I was randomly sarcastic and laughing. I know its considered to be rude or whatever. I just thought it was hilarious that I a man who has rejected me for sex so many times is now lecturing me on something I haven’t had in 4 years.

We have now been married for 14 years and and actually, I haven’t had sex in 5 years now that I think about it. And he thinks I’m ok with it. Hilarious. OMG. So hilarious.

I know in his eyes, I’m obscenely rude, but whatever.

I just couldn’t even be angry.

It Doesn’t bother me

So some recent conversations with my husbands – he admits that he’s a hypocrite. He kind of alludes that he’s not that great.

So we’ll have an intellectual/religious conversation. He goes to pray or watch soccer videos. He comes back down and then acts so incredibly cold.

And then he implies that it doesn’t bother me. He actually doesn’t think it bothers me. He thinks that I’m ok with it. He doesn’t remember all the trying and failing. Again and again.

Sometimes I feel like I’m dealing with two different people. Its Mind boggling.

to think that it doesn’t bother me. I still randomly cry over it.

Sometimes I laugh over it. Sometimes I’m bitter and jaded. Sometimes the pain gets so much I feel like drowning and choking on my blood (emotionally, obviously).

I don’t know if he actually things this or just tells himself this.

I wonder if lots of refuser/cheaters all do this? Say the wife is ok with it, lie to live with it better?

Mid-Ramadhan

Well its slightly past the middle of Ramadhan right about now. I’m doing a lot of extra cooking, especially with it being summer vacation for the children.

I have started making small improvements to my prayers. I have been listening to Islamic lectures from Youtube and I’m learning.

I’m still calling my grandma and keeping in touch. Unfortunately she’s getting less company during the summer, NOT more. So I still check on her.

Ramadhan is still hard on me. One year my husband decided that he wasn’t having any sex at all during Ramadhan, even though its allowed after breaking fast.

Cutting off all hugs, kisses, sex, EVERYTHING, during Ramadhan began years ago. And so every Ramadhan hurts because he has a valid excuse to not have anything to do with me.

And if the conversation turns non-religious, he stops because its sinful, or I’m leading him to hell, or he has to go and study so he won’t go to hell, etc, etc etc.

So Ramadhan is a psychological reminder of what I can never have.

And also, my husband had told me recently, the spouses shouldn’t look at each other naked. Even if its something that I’d need so I’m not tempted. For years and years he’s looked at the ground instead of looking at me.

So joyful. Le sigh. And if I see him shirtless or anything close like that, I hate it. Its just another annoying and painful reminder.

I tend to cry randomly during this month because of what I know I’ll never have. But its halfway over and am trying to focus on better prayers.