Ramadan!

Ramadan started last week, I believe. I am trying very hard to not be too depressed this Ramadan.

For those who don’t know, a man can have sex with his wife after he breaks his fast. But, my husband,before my marriage became completely sexless, Ramadan was the perfect excuse to reject me. He had a “good”reason to even though it was allowed.

Then one year, he decided that he couldn’t touch me at all during Ramadan, ever after he broke his fast, to be a better Muslim. Even though its allowed. I noticed after that, he made even more excuses to not touch me, and rarely touched me after that. There were more and more and more months in between sex after that.

So …….. I’m trying to stay positive this Ramadan and focus on myself. I have been having a really hard time. So I’m focusing on small things, like reading a bit of translation of the Qu’ran. Listening to a mini-lecture every night. And I think I might try to focus on some recitation when the kidz are in bed.

Since my children have autism, its hard teaching them much. And one of my daughters is quite stubborn. lol. But I’m gonna try to be more consistent with her soon, but its hard doing everything all by myself.

And I’m trying for more reflection. Upon my life, my kidz, God. How to deal with it all.

I’m trying but its hard.

Getting a handle on my PCOS

I have poly cystic ovarian Syndrome/Disease, but PCOD for short, but most ppl just call it by PCOS. I was diagnosed at 15. I mostly managed it until I had kidz. I had 3 kidz by the time I was 21, and I’m 31 lol.

I found a new Gynecologist last year and finally someone listens to me. I’ve gone to a nutritionist who has helped me greatly with energy levels. One cup of caffeine a day, I’m decreasing my bread content, and having a protein shake within an hour (though I have to work on it in the summer).

Well just recently my period was like 10 days or more. And I kept on spotting. I went to the doctor and I got 2 month samples worth of Minastrin 24 Fe birth control pills. The first pill ended my bleeding – yay. I don’t need it for birth control. I have a copper iud and birth control is because I’m NOT ovulating every month and its affecting my other hormones.

I also gained weight after I had kidz, I was going down after the babies and just randomly gained weight. NO matter how much I exercised or watched my weight. GRRRR.

I’m getting fasting blood work soon with a ultrasound on my uterus. And then we’ll go from there.

But I’m very happy that I’m finally making progress after a lot of nothing. Doctors yelling at me over no progress. Very happy to have some help in getting my health back together.

Cam

I sometimes engage in things I shouldn’t so that I don’t cheat on my husband. I have the temptation to cheat, just like my husband does, I just don’t do it in real life.

I do however masterbate, sometimes watch online porn, and sometimes phone sex. Sometimes I just chat with others about coming to terms with me being a submissive babygirl married to someone who is narrow minded sexually and submissive.

Last night, I cammed with someone. I don’t like camming, and I probably will never do it again.

He said I was fat and chubby and adorable and that he loved it. I’m overweight, I have loose skin and stretch marks and sagging breasts. And yet he called me adorable.

The man that is supposed to love me, and hold me and call me adorable ignores me. No matter what I do or don’t do. And this strange man thinks I’m adorable, even though I know I look the worst I’ve ever looked in my life.

It made me feel  warm inside. Not sexually, but emotionally. The babygirl side of me feel beautiful, since at least someone finds me attractive and adorable, even if my husband never will.

I don’t know why being called chubby and adorable made me feel so good inside, but it did. Maybe not the fat word, but hehe, I can ignore that one.

NO Hijab

Well as everyone who knows me, they know I’m Muslim. I cover Islamically.

Lately my husband is getting more and more extreme. Even though my daughters are still little girls, more so emotionally and mentally than physically. They aren’t as developed as I was at their ages, but still.

My husband  has now decided that if they don’t adhere to his strict idea of covering, then they shouldn’t cover at all. No hijab.

All or nothing. In the past I’ve tried to explain to him, that there is hope. Progress not perfection. That just because you can’t do something perfectly, doesn’t mean you don’t do it at all. He thinks doing it my way is a disgrace to the religion. I make Islam look bad, and like a joke to non-Muslims.

sigh.

My daughters usually wear pants, long dresses, usually short sleeved and Hijabs. Pretty soon I am going to have them start wearing long sleeved shirts under their dresses because of my husband strict standards. And I’ll start making them thigh to knee long dresses, as per his standards.

Personally, I think hes getting too strict too fast. He wasn’t like this before. He says I’ve changed and thats true. I was overly strict because I was a new Muslimah (female Muslim) and I was encouraged to do so. I wasn’t really given the chance to learn at my own pace. I was pushed and pushed until we found out the kidz have autism. Then he decided the learning religion was only for him and he’d tell me what to do. What not to do. And now he complains that I’m not a good Muslimah.

One time he said I was barely a Muslim, and if I didn’t watch myself, I would no longer be valid as a Muslim.

He can be so frustrating sometimes.

My grandma has asked me if hes becoming more fanatic, and I said yes. Shes afraid he’ll try to have them circumcised. As it is, we just walk on egg shells around him. Try not to make him angry as his mean streak is getting more and more. He’ll be angry for no reason what so ever. He won’t talk about it.

I have found secret files from the VA that he has anxiety problems and serious sleeping problems. I have no idea why. Why he wouldn’t share it with me. I’m trying not to worry too much.

Just trying to not get in the way of his grumpiness. One of my daughters, I’ll call her Skinny Girl and the other one Chubby Mama. Well Skinny Girl thinks that her dad is mad because he eats too much sugar. hehe. So cute.

Random Updates

Well the weekend with my family was fun and tiring and a bit bickersome. One of my daughters wakes up early, so I had to get her ready and we had to go from my aunts house to my grandma’s house (my aunts house is right behind theirs) and hang out until everyone woke up.

It was a pain. But the kidz had fun. There were some squabbles with my other daughter because shes so sensitive and isn’t used to how tough her cousins are and how they sibling fight and such.

And besides the random nagging it was good. But I don’t think I could handle this all the time lol. Not at all.

Anyways – I went to the doctor for my knees. I had 2 knee surgeries when I was 30, I’m 31 now. It was meniscus and mcl ligament tears. My last one was in January. Now, I had bursa and got a steroid shot for that. I have mild arthritis, some inflammation, some traction and possibly ITB. Woah.

I refused a shot in my knee and want to try the natural route first. And I’m gonna research ITB and see what I can do. I’m glad I went and got stuff done.

I”m gonna see how it with just doing walking workouts for a while. I hope it goes well for me. 😀