Not enough gas

I really needed to go to an orthopedic appointment today but my husband said that theres not enough money for gas. So I rescheduled 2 of my appointments for after the first of the month.

And yet . …….. theres enough money or gas for him to go out at night.

I talked to my aunt about it and she was pissed.

I don’t confront him about everything. To be honest part of it is that I’m scared. Part of it is that he intimidates me. Another part is that I never know hes going to be. He mixes his niceness with is meanness so sometimes I get confused, and question myself sometimes. And sometimes its a waste of time to bring up everything.

Sometimes he goes into a tangent about how hes the man of the house and he doesn’t want me questioning him, and what he does and where he goes. How whatever he does outside the house is none of my business.

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Restarting Before School

I’m feeling totally off balance this summer. So hectic. I have around 18 more days until my husband goes back to work and 25 until my kidz go back to school.

So …… I am trying really hard to slowly build up habits that I’m going to need to have for when my kidz go back to school.

I”m starting with going to bed earlier. Always taking my melatonin to help my body shut (mostly my brain) shut down for bed time.

Get up early, make dinner during the day so I don’t burn out night so easily.

Making a more manageable workout schedule. Taking into account how hard taking care of the kidz is on my body. I forget this sooo often and get burned out a lot. I burn out mentally and physically a lot. And what point is exercise if you don’t get stronger, but weaker, right?

I’m also going to get my iud replaced tomorrow as its fallen too low. I also quit taking my birth control pills (for hormone balancing). Its been giving me RAGING head aches. omg. So many headaches, not always severe, but very stubborn.

I am looking forward to school and the normal schedule.

Insane Conversation

So my husband got mad at me because I thought he punished one of our daughters too harshly. Shes been leaving the house early in the morning. And the police came and brought her home. I’m glad that she was safe

He was soooo pissed because I was holding her with her crying. I hate it when my children cry. He brought up how my kidz walk all over me. Granted – its true. And I am working on finding better ways of dealing with them, disciplining them.

Ughhh. I am not very assertive. I hate disciplining my kidz. I only do it if I have to. I am working on it.

My husband and I talked. He talked down to me. He knows exactly how to use his words to make me feel stupid. And he treats me like I’m stupid.

He asked me what I needed and I told him nothing. When I needed help with disciplining the kidz, he wouldn’t help me. And now he decides to randomly discipline them. He rarely remembers when hes wrong. He ALWAYS remembers when I’m wrong, but not him. And if he does, its not that often.

GRRRRRRR.

I cried later. I called my great aunt, she really helped me. Told me to block him out because hes doing it on purpose, to press my buttons. She had a similar bad marriage. She completely understands. I felt bad about just talking about myself but it felt so good to vent.

I might have also mentioned to my husband how I knew about his whores. He laughed about me bringing up “girls”. He said i was being dramatic and theatrical.

Now hes acting nicer, engaging more with the kidz.

I hate it when he does this. Treats me horribly then acts nice and then makes me think that it was all in my head. It makes me go on a roller coaster that I don’t like.

So when he’s nice I’m dubious. I don’t trust it at all. I know hes such a huge mind game and knows how to manipulate me so I don’t trust him at all.

Exercise, Birth Control Pills, etc

I tried doing a fitness challenge by Fitness Blender. It was too hard on my knees. And my a$$. It triggered my back pain and my sciatica/piriformis pain. Ouch.

So now I’m taking a step back and am only doing mostly rehabilitative exercises until my body gets stronger. And working on my flexibility training as I know that will help my knees and legs and back pain. And I’m working on getting in some regular belly dance drillz. It feels really good.

Food wise, my sweet spot tends to be 2 protein shakes and 2 real food meals a day. it feels really good for my body.

I am going back to the Gynecologist, getting my iud replaced because it got to low and caused irregular bleeding. I am also getting help with the birth control pills, because I’ve been getting sooo many headaches, stubborn headaches since I started these birth control pills. Ouch.

End of Ramadan!

This is the second day of ‘Eid. We aren’t celebrating because my husband doesn’t really do that. I didn’t want to push it because we’re low on money and I didn’t want to aggravate his temper.

I didn’t do as much as I wanted to, but one good habit I did was reading more Quran. 25-50 verses a day. It makes me feel better. I have more clarity. I see some things now, some things clear that my husband ┬áhas made foggy. He says it is what it is, but I know Islam isn’t what he says it is.

He tries to control how I practice, and if I don’t, then I’m not a real muslim. Its nice to read differently.

As of today, there are 31 days until school starts. I can’t wait. My kidz love school and have cabin fever. They are driving my bat $**T crazy. But I love them to pieces hehe.

I’m just trying to be healthy and survive summer lol.