Soup and Cravings

I have been eating soup lately and I just realized it may be contributing to my cravings, especially for carbs.

Soup goes right through me. It doesn’t stick in my stomach very long so it leaves me hungry. Which of course doesn’t end well for my weight.

Fortunately for me, my weight has been fluctuating from 247 to 250. So I’m not gaining, gaining, gaining but it would be nice to break this damn plateau.

Right now I’m eating a lil too much trying to atone for my blood sugar low  and not having anything really substancial in my stomach.

I may also experiment with only ONE cup of caffeinated tea a day. I didn’t NOT stick to that at my aunt’s house.

so ………..

No more soup

eat someting more substancial

only 1 cup of caffeinated tea a day

And we’ll see how it goes from there

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Thanksgiving!

For thanksgiving, I celebrate it and my husband does NOT. I cooked some chicken and hard boiled eggs and rice and bread. He left the bread out to get hard and literally inedible.

I stayed at my aunt’s house for 2 nights and 3 days. It was fun but stressful. I tried to eat as well as I could. I shared dessert with one of my kidz. I even managed a little bit of exercise.

The first night my daughter K threw up and then in the morning she was just fine. We also celebrated that its been one year since my grandpa had a stroke. This year he got to eat and he got to walk. It was a bit of a big deal for everyone.

This year I got to take both of my daughters but my son stayed with Daddy because he gets up too early and theres just too much stuff for him to get into. He’s too high need  to take out there.

Everything was mostly ok except when we packed up. My aunt didn’t want to take me and I really needed to get chores done at home. My husband “forgot” I was coming in. le sigh. My aunt was pissed at having to wait. And then my two daughters were overwhelmed, overstimulated. My daughter A can get especially mean (I say its something she gets from her Dad, being very mean with the mouth). It took around 2 days to come down from all of that.

I know its not just us, my family from lower 48 have a problem calming down and getting back to normal after visiting the family up here. It can be stressful.

I did overeat a bit when I can home. But I’m just happy to get back to the same schedule!

 

 

 

Food Fog Ughhhh

I’m in a horrible food binge/fog.

I hate it when people eat junk food in front of me. My kidz did that (kind of rare) this weekend as my husband took them to the grocery store.

So I couldn’t fight my cravings. Grrrrr. I ordered Chinese Food. Not as yummy as I thought. And I was so full I felt like I was going to float away and still not satisfied.

I ran out of my protein powder. So I didn’t have a protein shake. And went grocery shopping early in the  morning. I might have gotten some foods that I shouldn’t have. It put me into a coma and I slept for a couple of hours.

I’m still full. I feel sick.

It has become apparent to me  that I NEED my protein shake in the morning. In fact I’m debating regular protein powder and some pre-workout.

I never want to feel like this again. So crappy and so blah. You have no idea.

I’m hoping for better days and no more self-sabotage.

 

Neglecting Family = Reconnecting to Allah

So my kidz woke me up around 3:30 a.m. and wouldn’t go back to sleep. ARghhhhh. And I couldn’t get back to sleep. I am sooooo not kidding you. I called my husband (he hasn’t been staying at home a lot lately). Then I texted him to ask him to stay at home during the weekday because the kidz sleep longer when he’s home.

My husband came home right as I was going to lay down and take a nap. Instead what I got was a huge lecture. It was SUPPOSED to be a discussion, but he was talking AT me, not with me. And as usually, any invisible ballz that I had to stand up for myself, just shriveled up and died instantly.

He wanted to know about how I felt about moving to NC, where his family lives. Thinking about living with my MIL so she can help me with the kidz. I asked about the school system there, etc. He went off in a tirade about police being trained to shoot to kill anyone they saw fit, etc. He also went off on a tirade about the school system. He’s very negative and an emotional vampire. And he knows how to talk to make me feel and sound immature and stupid.

And then, there was this “AHA” moment. My husband ALLOWS us to have a tv and watch dvds. He doesn’t stay at home because he’s trying to get into a better place in the moment, religiously. Us and the tv and all of it. Basically he said that we have lead him down and a bad path and it lead him to some bad decisions (probably the weed I found, torn condom packets, etc). He can’t babysit us, or his kidz. He has to spend all his time away from us to focus on himself.

He says I’ve gone down a bad path too. I’m not brainwashed like I was when I married him. When I was totally manipulated to do everything he wanted he loved me. And now that I’m not, he sees me as his pathway to hell. He may have mentioned and praised the Islamic State (ISIS) somewhere in there and I just kept my mouth shut. He knows I think they’re invalid and he sees me as corrupt for thinking such. Anyways ………….

He says now that he’s 41 (40 years old by standard calender) he has to focus on his path to the hereafter. If he hangs around us, he’ll be worshipping up. He thinks that me NOT giving up on my children is worshipping them and that I don’t Truly worship Allah.

All these years and it finally comes out – he sees us as not only a burden, but as his path to hell. And we are preventing him from his journey with Allah.

I know that this is not true. I know that being a good husband and father are HIGH, HIGH religious duties and very praiseworthy. Mentally I know this but basically when he implied that we are evil, it still kind of hurt. Yes it hurt. Yes I take everything personally. He doesn’t think there should be too many emotions in a marriage, marriage is only a business contract.

I wish one day that my children find love even though they have autism. And yet I don’t have autism and I don’t even have love. My mind is just confused, boggled and completely overwhelmed right now.

Emotions, Emotions and Emotions

So lately I have realized that my emotions with my husband may be PART of why I’ve been emotionally eating. Since I don’t really have a husband, why not eat this or that. He doesn’t really care about me anyways.

Not sure what to do about it. Right now I’m just aware of it.

AND I’m crying a lot more. oh boy. I don’t know why. I’m practically used to it. I feel like something is up with my husband and he won’t tell me what it is. He rarely sleeps at night. Rarely wants food. He’s rarely home at all now. And for some reason it makes me cry. You’d think I’d be over this.

I masterbate or watch porn – it reminds me of what I’ll never have. I cry.

I read a steamy romance novel from kindle – I cry

I’ve never been like this before. With all the crying and stuff. Its getting kind of ridiculous. My husband not talking to me and I’m fine, and then when I get ready I’m crying and screaming and I can’t even make a noise because it hurts to much. And I can barely get him to even say Hi to me.

Health Ups and Downs

So I have downloaded this Journal App onto my kindle fire and I use it to record my food, weight, how I’m feeling, sleep etc. It seems to be helping. l really like it so far.

I’ve been weighing in at 248 and I’d like to weigh 240 by next month. If I can manage the consistency and better eating. We’ll see what actually happens.

On the downside, right as I was getting ready to go out my knee twinged. My left knee. Some of you may not know that I had two knee surgeries when I was 30. Both were for a torn meniscus and torn MCL ligament towards the back of my knees. They were 3 months apart. With my second knee surgery (right knee) the compensation pain was too much resulting in a bad left knee. oh boy.

Well I felt a twinge, like when something catches. It was painful, not as painful as last time but still painful. I haven’t exercised since then. And my knee is REALLY sore. So …… I’m resting it and icing it. And I’m going to buy a knee brace and call my Knee Doctor. So now I’ll study other aspects of belly dance. I’ll watch videos. But for now I’m sticking to full body chair exercises and chair yoga. I don’t want to but I’m not risking it either. GRRRRRRRRR