Denial

So …… my husband told me today he wants to talk to my daughters worker to vouch for her. I was pissed. Apparently, it doesn’t matter that I do everything and pay for everything, he basically says the kidz are his. And everything I do doesn’t matter because he’s the man of the house.

I was very pissed. He won’t let my daughters cover religiously because he thinks it makes the kidz look bad. And that the kidz will make the religion look bad. Apparently its horrible and unreligious for kidz to go to the park.

I told him he’s a hypocrite for cheating on me, etc and then saying all of this. He says the condoms I found were for us. BS. I’ve had an IUD for YEARS and he knows i hate condoms.

He denies giving me STDs after coming back from Morocco for 5 months.

He says, wheres your evidence. So basically anything I say is unfounded because I have no evidence. But he can say anything about me without evidence.

Also, yesterday I found out that we have $600 in food stamps. I had no idea we were eligible for food stamps. Apparently, he’s been keeping it to himself. Oh boy.

I can’t talk to my grandma for too long because she’s helpless to do anything and it gives her an upset stomach.

Talking to him makes me sick.

And I feel stupified (Harry Potter hehe)every single time he comes in, says a few words, and just like that I’m stumped. I don’t know how he can bring me down so easily.

One of my daughters even asks if her dad loved me. I probably shouldn’t have told her no but I did. She hopes to marry a man thats a good religious man, NOT like her father. Those were her words not mine. I told her its ok. We love each other (mommy and kidz) and thats all that mattered.

I try to hide my tears from my kidz but I can’t always do that.

It still amazes me how he can deny obvious things he’s done so easily.

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18 thoughts on “Denial

  1. I might not know what you’re undergoing, but I feel for you very much.
    I pray to Allah that He makes everything better for you,
    And that you have more strength to endure everything Insha’Allah 🙂
    You must not never leave hope too, and keep praying and believing.
    For Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him said that Dua (pray) is the weapon of a believer.
    This is Ramadan time, fortunately, you should pray very much and ask from Allah, he is going to give you happier life, believe me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Shukran Ukhti. I deeply appreciate it. I’m going to try and make du’a. Its been a habit that I want to get better at. I can’t fast so its kind of hard for me to be religious. My husband ignores us during Ramadan. Now he has a good reason to because he says dealing with the dunya (us) ruines his Ramadan.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. plus, don’t give any feelings of hate or anything like that at all towards your husband, I mean give him no feelings.
    Just keep yourself busy and don’t think about him much.
    Also surround yourself with people who would support you emotionally.😊
    Jazakillah hu khairan kaseera.💖

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve had bad feelings for him in the past. First you feel angry, hatred, etc, and then if they are nice for one tiny second, then you feel guilty, and then they go back to being mean and then it goes back.

      Right now I am between not caring any more because I have lost my affection and love for him, but I am still intimidated by him. So to speak.

      The only love I might have, is the forced love you have when you’ve had children with a bad person.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry your mom has experienced the same. Its not fun. It was funny today I was reading Surah an-Nisa that if you commit a sin and blaim it on an innocent person, then it is a very grave sin. its not a light matter. Its funny how sometimes I read something that I needed to see.

      Very beautiful. Hugs. Give you mother my Salams.

      also, did you mom’s life turn around eventually?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Actually she is still dealing,
        I mean she has learnt to compromise.
        And of course when you know that you love your children and they love you too very much, a time is going to come when your children are all grown ups and you will realize how strong you are, when your children are with you 🙂
        And you are going to feel that it’s your husband who is weak.
        And everyone needs love and family.
        How far can he go without family love, he is going to come back to you, he is not realizing that now but he would need you and your children 🙂

        Like

      • thank you for the sentiment. but at this point in time I am very intimidated by him. I don’t trust him or his intentions. If he were to come back to me, I wouldn’t trust it at all.

        In fact, I think its safe to say that I’m becoming indifferent. And I don’t think I love him anymore. I’m just staying because of the kidz and because he’s so intimidating.

        I actually kind of just hope, that when the time is right, that he just dies so we can all move on.

        Like

      • You are a beautiful woman and you can have all the happiness you desire.
        This is not the end of the world dear friend!
        Please, at least u can change how feel about anything, don’t give up.
        You need help.
        Strengthening your faith is the only thing that can work, and you’d need someone for that.
        I am certainly no one to tell you what you need to do.
        But I wish I could be of some help to you.
        Many a times help is there but we don’t want to take the helping hand, because we have accepted things as they are.
        I’ve a friend who can be of your help, if you feel like it.

        Like

  3. change how I feel? I don’t want to be delusional and happy with this

    I know muslim women are always encouraged to not be angry, but anger helps you survive.

    My aunt has offered her place for help, but its not suitable for autism. I’m slowly working on thiings to change, but these things take months, not days.

    and any friends would be helpful

    Like

    • I would like to be your friend.
      I am a Christian and admit I don’t know much about your faith, but I can and will respect your spirituality if you are willing to do the same with me.
      I would like to have a friend who understands the pain of a sexless marriage to walk our journeys together.

      Like

      • Thats absolutely no problem. And yes, I understand the pain so well. When I was a kid, everyone warns you that all men think about are sex, sex sex. That men are these big, horny ogres.

        And …….. I haven’t had sex in 4 years. Not since I was 29. the last time I had sex that wasn’t painful and where my husband at least pretended to be into it, I was 24.

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      • I was a similar age, 25, when we stopped having sex altogether.

        I felt like you do that we receive the message from every direction that all men want sex all the time. And so when my husband didn’t want sex with me it was so confusing and painful. I could only believe that it was because of me, that it was my fault he wasn’t attracted to me, because if men need sex all the time, but mine wasn’t interested, I obviously wasn’t good enough. I have since learned that is not true. There is nothing wrong with me. And there is nothing wrong with you.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I had a similar conversation with my daughter a few years ago when she was 22. Except she asked if we ever had sex. She didn’t see any intimate connection between us in any form. She is now 25 and has never had a boyfriend. I’m sure much of that is from the neglectful, abusive marriage we modelled. Ouch.

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    • haha I understand. Ever since my daughter was 9, she’s told me she wants me to marry a nicer husband. lols. and I can’t make excuses for him when he did that himself, y’know?

      And honestly, I haven’t had a hug or anything in so many years.

      Like

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