My Grandma’s Past with Me

My aunt’s boyfriends, youngest son is living with my aunt. Thats a huge story just by itself lol.

But since he has issues and my grandma tries to help with him then it has triggered my grandma’s memories of the past.

My grandma is generous, almost to the point of being dangerous,  like in a mentally healthy kind of way.

She likes to be the victim. She doesn’t want to let go of the past. And she has always been a bit of a control freak. She only remembers what other people did to her, and not what she’s done to other people. Grrrrr.

I lived with my grandma from 14 to 17. My mom was an alcoholic and drug addict. She was in jail and then in rehab.

No one sat me down and talked to me. Not that I remember anyways. It was just, you’re moving in with Grandma. That was it.

I would try to walk to my room and calm myself down. My grandma wouldn’t let me walk away. She’d follow me and get in my face until I hit her. What I did was wrong, but whenever I’d ask her for some space, she’d never give it to me.

I have no problem taking credit for my good and bad actions, but I hate it when other people don’t take responsible for THEIR share.

After my mom died, I didn’t handle her death very well. I did have some very bad temper tantrums at school. My grandma put me under immense pressure for college. So much pressure. My mom hadn’t been dead for even a year.

I ended up hitting her in school. I went with my dad. I ended up shaving my head and then my aunt came and got me for an intervention.

I was in the mental hospital for a week. Then I lived in kind of like intervention housing for kidz. My grandma felt unsafe around me and like she had to walk on egg shells.

I didn’t trust my grandma. I knew what I did was wrong but I didn’t trust her because she refused to admit her faults. I admitted to mine. I am always the one that apologises, to everyone.

I don’t handle anger well. Its gotten much, much better. Unless I see red which is very rare now a days.

I am sick to my stomach. Literally. I have apologized soooo many times and every time she acts like its the first time she’s heard it.

Now that my Aunt’s, bf’s youngest son is there, she dots on him. And she talks about how great he is. And at the end, she uses her “venting” to bring it back and blaim it all on ME.

She doesn’t just do this to me. She does this to EVERYONE.

To this day, she is still jealous of her sister. My great Aunt is one of my favoritest people in the world. I love her to pieces. She’s loving, nurturing, motherly and very accepting.

She’s even helped me understand me aunt better and why she is the way she is. It makes so much sense. My aunt is very stressy, very screamy, and bi-polar. Apparently I hadn’t realised what it would have been like to grow wup with such a controlling mother. I see it differently now.

I love my grandma and I appreciate what she does but I don’t trust her. I thought we had gone past that so I don’t trust her. But I have learned to love and have immense gratitude for some of my other elders. My great Aunt, my great, great grandpa (my grandma doesn’t get along. Thats her step-dad. He raised her, and when he was a drug addict and alcoholic, he molested her).

Its horrible and vile. He apologised to all of his kidz for beating them. He has apologised to my grandma. My grandma won’t forgive him. And thats fine. The rest of us grandchildren and great grandchildren, he’s never touched.

He has always been funny and accepting. Sometimes it was hard for him, coming from an older, white generation (When I became Muslim and I got married, my husband being black made him a big uncomfortable.)

But now I’m gonna be more cautious around her. She won’t forgive me no matter how much I grovel. And even if she has forgiven me, she still takes pleasure in rubbing my nose over and over again. I won’t trust her and I’ll be cautious.

 

 

 

 

MRSA III

So I am mostly done healing from my 3erd bout with MRSA. Two years ago I got it once in my jaw, once (small) in my nostril, and this last time it was in my cheek. The pressure was HORRIBLE. And the process was painful.

Three days after it first appeared (as a small pimple) I went to the ER. They didn’t want to cut me open and just told me to use a warm compress.

2 days I went into a walk-in clinic. They injected me 2x to numb the pain. It stung. I cried and sobbed and shook. I hated it to pieces.

Then the doctor cut me open, popped it, cleaned it out with salt water, and then stuffed it with a thin piece of cloth. I had to go everyday for 6 or 7 days and had to have at least 2 anti-biotic shots in the butt plus 10 days of antibiotics.

And now, unfortunately one of my daughters has it. It was horrible. I had my husband take her to the doctor. I now have to grind it up in applesauce and see how that goes. Our ran out and so I couldn’t afford the liquid medication.

So now I’m just trying to help her get over it. I hope and pray that she gets better soon.

 

Crude Judgement

Lately my husband has been apologizing; to anyone but me, about his behavior. Like saying it’s okay to kill Christians, etc. He’s nicer to the kids……. and yet he says I’m going to hell for Belly Dancing. Le sigh. He doesn’t say this about any music or dancing but Arab music and Belly Dancing.

Tonight my husband and his friend were talking about religious stuff. Well my husband and his friend still support ISIS, aka Daesh. They actually think that it’s all propaganda. OMG.

So many Muslim scholars have spoken out against the. So many mass murders and they think it’s propaganda. My husband thinks I’m ignorant and stupid.

And the way my husband and his friend, who is living with us and is basically a parasite, were talking about other Muslims. Ugggh. Everyone is at a different place in their spiritual/religious journey. Who are you to judge!?! They think because they read a couple of books that they know everything. They read, but their hearts are cold and hard and don’t comprehend.