Today I found out more things I wish I didn’t know.


I went into my husband’s room to get something while he was out with his daughters. And his phone was on and there was some suspicious texts. There were sooooo many and I read them all.

This woman, who doesn’t have full custody of her own daughter, she and her dad sell weed to my husband from time to time. Sometimes my husband buys weed from someone else. They get together, hook up and smoke weed.

That’s why his car reeks of weed and he acts like I don’t know what that smell means.

When I confronted him months ago, he acted like he wasn’t cheating on me anymore.

Oh boy. And he masturbates, after giving me all these lectures on masturbation being a sin.

She knows he’s Muslim. He acts so Islamic at home and this and that and all this research and then turns around and does this.

He doesn’t call me his wife. When it comes to the children, he calls me his “replacement”. He doesn’t even mention the children we’ve had together, only his older daughters.

And he complained and “vented” to her that women are oppressive and unmerciful.


From the texts that he wrote down, he won’t stay with her and move in with her because she can’t cook.



So now, when he’s acting friendly ~ I won’t trust it. It’s not real. It’s a facade.

I will continue doing wifely things other than sex, because he hasn’t touched me in 4 years, I’ll be a good Muslim wife and God willing, one day he will be exposed for who he truly is and he’ll have no one to blaim but himself.

For now, I wish I didn’t know. I know too much. It gave me soooo much anxiety. My stomach hurt. I kind of forced myself to eat tonight. Maybe too much. I don’t know.

I still feel a bit of anxiety and plan on getting back on anti-depressants.

I need them to help me fulfill my responsibilities.


13 thoughts on “

  1. I am truly sorry for the raw pain and soul destroying rejection you are receiving from your husband. Neglecting you sexually is a form of abuse. He is denying you your sexuality and sexual needs while still fulfilling his own through masturbation. This is wrong. My husband did this to me too. He did not touch me in any sexual way or otherwise for 20 years but masturbated daily. Even lying in bed beside me, while I pretended to sleep, but the screaming in my heart kept me awake.

    We are both in recovery now, and doing well. We have become best friends but are struggling to be lovers. I actually started anxiety medication because my sexual anxiety was all consuming.

    Anyway, all this just to send you a (((hug))) and hope. You are worthy and deserving of love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, also he’s a rejector and a cheater also which hurts. This all after I confronted him about PAST cheating. He mostly denies it, sometimes he admits it and 98% of the time, he won’t apologise for a thing. I admit, its made me a bit sassy at times. And I still can’t believe he actually said I was oppressive and unmerciful.

      I would like to think I deserve love but between my dad and my husband, I think I’ve lost faith in the idea of any romantic relationship.

      I am glad that you two are in recovery. I hope the meds help.

      What is sexual anxiety if I may ask?

      Hugs sweetie.


      • My husband has not physically cheated on me but he is/was a sex and porn addict. Crazy that someone can be a sex addict but withhold sex from his willing wife. Took me a bit to wrap my head around that one.

        Addicts and cheaters live in a different reality where their lies and deception make sense to them. They twist it all around to make us look and feel like the crazy ones. And they will blame and shame us while making themselves out to be faultless. We haven’t done anything wrong except wanting to love and believe them and be loved by them. But how is that wrong in a marriage?!

        As for the sexual anxiety, I have found it very difficult to trust my husband’s desire for me. I want to have sex but I often dread it. I worry about my body although there is nothing wrong with it. I worry I won’t please him and he will stop having sex with me again. I always wonder when the next time might be, or if there will be another time. I am afraid I will never know what an orgasm feels like. These thoughts have taken up a lot of space and time in my head. My fears and insecurities about sex with my husband make me anxious. Restoring our sexual intimacy is a long painful process because of our damaged sexuality, broken trust and betrayal.

        It has taken me a lot of healing and recovery in the last 2 1/2 years to learn to trust and love myself and my husband and accept God’s grace and love for us. Still just waiting for the time I can truly call us lovers.

        Hugs to you beautiful woman.


      • i am sorry. It sounds complicated and painful. I am glad that you guys have made progress. Every time I try to connect with him, he’s too busy. And then he texts on his phone, and I know who it is. Because she’s one of the few people he knows and texts in English. ughhhh.

        Its hard to heal a marriage when the other person won’t admit to breaking the bond.


  2. Are you sure you have to stay with him? It sounds really damaging for you. Does being Muslim mean you are obligated to stay with someone and be treated abusively?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well I don’t live in a big community. The Muslims here are of a different sect that I am. It makes things complicated. And divorced women aren’t exactly welcomed with open arms. Or women looking to get a divorce.


      • That occurs in many (but not all) Christian circles as well. And when the abuse is hidden and a wife decides to leave her husband, she is often admonished for not having tried hard enough to save her marriage. The blame and judgment seems to be put on her, not the abuser. The Bible teaches against divorce, but thankfully there have been a few notable Christian authors/leaders such as Gary Thomas and Sheila Wray Gregoire speaking out recently against Christian women staying in abusive marriages just because they believe that is what God wants them to do. God loves the institution of marriage, but He loves people more. The abuser has already broken the covenant of marriage. No woman’s soul should be destroyed in the name of religion.


      • That’s sweet. My husband won’t admit to anything. When I ask him about certain things that other women go through, not mentioning him, he’ll say their selflessness will get them to Paradise. And that’s the closest he gets to acknowledging anything.


  3. I’m sorry I was going through many of your posts, found the latest one in Islam tag and finally decided to comment.

    I’m sorry what you are going through and no you are never deserving of such harsh attitude from anyone not even your husband.

    I don’t even know where you live and who you are, and I can’t even suggest anything because I really don’t understand your condition or what you are going through. May Allah make it all good and awesome for you like you deserve.

    I’m just 22 so I really can’t say big stuff like leave him because then you’d be treated so wrongly too by our community and your daughters will be seen as righteous, because some crap community guy developed these stupid theories.

    Just pray to Allah and ask Him to get you out of it in a manner that pleases Him and results in you becoming super happy, like you smile all the time (not like crazy but like happy people) Ameen!

    Liked by 1 person

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