Sexlessness = Sexual Anxiety?

I am curious if sexlessness can create anxiety? Like by the time you do get touched, its painful and awkward and you just have all this anxiety related to intimacy/sex.
I am curious if this is normal, especially if your spouse touches you in a small way after years of nothing.

this is making actually so much more confused than ever.

The other night, I thought to try and reconnect the marriage. Its Ramadan – a time to fix broken relationships.

I texted him to tuck me into bed.

He came down, I had him get me my special sleeping pillow, Mr. Cuddles which he laughed at. I always sleep in the corner and he said I was so far away. Eventually he put his arm around my waist.

I haven’t been touched at all besides a hand shake, or bumping against him while walking down the hall way for four years now.

My heart beat. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t breathing right but forced it to slow down. I felt like was going to pop out of my ears.

I didn’t know if I wanted his hand to go up or down. And then I wanted him to get his stupid hand off of me after depriving me of everything for YEARS and cheating on me.

I am so confused. When he’s an a-hole, I know what to expect and what to think. But this action of hope? or whatever, its got me so twisted and confused. I don’t know if I want him to tuck me into bed again or not.

And even then, “I” initiated just like I’ve done the majority of the time, which creates more anxiety.

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One thought on “Sexlessness = Sexual Anxiety?

  1. Oh my beautiful friend. Your pain is so very raw and real here.

    My personal answer to your question does sexlessness = sexual anxiety is YES, YES, YES. In my case, my heart ached every single day for more than 20 years to be touched and desired by my husband. Not having sex was fully his making. It was not a consensual decision. I think what a lot of people don’t understand is being in a sexless marriage isn’t even all about the sex act itself. There is generally no physical touch or affection whatsoever. No hand holding, no hugs, no hand on the small of your back. So having your husband put his arm around your waist was a very big deal. Humans were created and are wired to be nurtured by physical touch and to give and receive sexual pleasure. We are sexual beings. Our sexuality is a significant part of who we are. When our husbands choose to withhold sexual affection from us it is a rejection and betrayal of everything that we are. The pain goes to the very core of our being. And yet it is a very basic human need and so we yearn for it. We hope. But we have been disappointed and hurt so many times, that it becomes hard to even hope. And so of course, we grasp that small offering given to us. But our experience has told us not to believe it. That it will be taken away again. So then we resist, hold back to protect ourselves from more hurt. There is no trust of what this display of affection means in the moment or for the future. So confusing? Heck yes!

    For me, restoring sexual intimacy and even any kind of physical touch has been a long, slow process over months. I had to be comfortable with him giving me a hug. Then sitting close beside each other on the couch. A kiss on the forehead. And then a kiss on the cheek. Finally a kiss on the mouth. And I’m talking weeks and months here, not the same day. He had to slowly rebuild my trust in order for me to give him my heart and body. It was what I wanted more than anything! And yet when the time came, my desire couldn’t overcome my brokenness on its own.

    So, yes I think in your situation what you are experiencing is a normal reaction. Doesn’t make it easier, but it is understandable. (((Hugs))) to you.

    Like

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