Mid-Ramadhan

Well its slightly past the middle of Ramadhan right about now. I’m doing a lot of extra cooking, especially with it being summer vacation for the children.

I have started making small improvements to my prayers. I have been listening to Islamic lectures from Youtube and I’m learning.

I’m still calling my grandma and keeping in touch. Unfortunately she’s getting less company during the summer, NOT more. So I still check on her.

Ramadhan is still hard on me. One year my husband decided that he wasn’t having any sex at all during Ramadhan, even though its allowed after breaking fast.

Cutting off all hugs, kisses, sex, EVERYTHING, during Ramadhan began years ago. And so every Ramadhan hurts because he has a valid excuse to not have anything to do with me.

And if the conversation turns non-religious, he stops because its sinful, or I’m leading him to hell, or he has to go and study so he won’t go to hell, etc, etc etc.

So Ramadhan is a psychological reminder of what I can never have.

And also, my husband had told me recently, the spouses shouldn’t look at each other naked. Even if its something that I’d need so I’m not tempted. For years and years he’s looked at the ground instead of looking at me.

So joyful. Le sigh. And if I see him shirtless or anything close like that, I hate it. Its just another annoying and painful reminder.

I tend to cry randomly during this month because of what I know I’ll never have. But its halfway over and am trying to focus on better prayers.

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2 thoughts on “Mid-Ramadhan

  1. Sending you a big, long, squeezy (((HUG))).
    I feel my own blog post coming on about this. How incredibly painful the rejection of a sexless marriage is because, like you have indicated, it isn’t just about the sex act itself. It is about the lack of hugs, kisses, hand holding. It is about the blame and shame they give us about having sexual needs and desires. It is about not valuing us as women, as people. It is a rejection of EVERYTHING you are. The person who is supposed to love and accept you the most in the world intentionally chooses not to, sexually or otherwise. I am so sorry for your pain. You are worthy of love and affection and being cherished. You are.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes exactly. And its not just a “womens’ problems” thing. I know of MANY men on the sexless marriage forums who feel the same exact way about how their wives reject them.

      You are rejected as a person. I remember the first time my husband told me I was old and loose. I was 21 and it was shortly after giving birth to twins.

      And also, after not getting his way with something, he’ll say I’m like this because I’m American. He is too lols. He’ll tell me that Moroccan girls aren’t like that, Asian girls aren’t like this, Sudanese, etc etc. How its unnatural and American. That the explanation that he falls on.

      Like

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