This is my first Muharram. Technically I have been Muslim for 14 years now. But when I was a Salafi and a Sunni no one really emphasised Muharram for me.
I became Shi’a last year but this year is the first year where I have had any bit of heightened awareness, so to speak.
It is overwhelming. It feels like a daunting task that I very much want to tackle.
It is the first month of the Islamic calender, but its a month of mourning. And the tragedy that was occuring I don’t even know how many years ago, is so tragic. Its tragic and horrific.
So this Muharram and I want to strengthen my spiritual connection and try to avoid my husband as much as I can.
I feel the loneliness and the emotional abandonement much more severely during times like this. Many couples work together for things like this, but I’m doing it by myself.
The family of the Prophet (s.a.w.s.) did not escape their pain and it doesn’t look like I will be able to either.
It is very lonely. And the only thing I can expect from him is an intellectual/religious/philosophical conversation. Nothing more. I know better than to reach out for that false hope.
I know many religious people, say that during this time, your pains go away when your remember such a tragedy. But for me, it just reinforces it for me. At least they had each other and died together. I don’t even have that. Its just me. I’m the bad guy to my kids, and teh good guy. I’m the major provider, nurterer, etc. Its everything and its very hard with very little help from HIM.
But I’m going to try and do my best during this sad, holy month.