Mid-Ramadhan

Well its slightly past the middle of Ramadhan right about now. I’m doing a lot of extra cooking, especially with it being summer vacation for the children.

I have started making small improvements to my prayers. I have been listening to Islamic lectures from Youtube and I’m learning.

I’m still calling my grandma and keeping in touch. Unfortunately she’s getting less company during the summer, NOT more. So I still check on her.

Ramadhan is still hard on me. One year my husband decided that he wasn’t having any sex at all during Ramadhan, even though its allowed after breaking fast.

Cutting off all hugs, kisses, sex, EVERYTHING, during Ramadhan began years ago. And so every Ramadhan hurts because he has a valid excuse to not have anything to do with me.

And if the conversation turns non-religious, he stops because its sinful, or I’m leading him to hell, or he has to go and study so he won’t go to hell, etc, etc etc.

So Ramadhan is a psychological reminder of what I can never have.

And also, my husband had told me recently, the spouses shouldn’t look at each other naked. Even if its something that I’d need so I’m not tempted. For years and years he’s looked at the ground instead of looking at me.

So joyful. Le sigh. And if I see him shirtless or anything close like that, I hate it. Its just another annoying and painful reminder.

I tend to cry randomly during this month because of what I know I’ll never have. But its halfway over and am trying to focus on better prayers.

Sexlessness = Sexual Anxiety?

I am curious if sexlessness can create anxiety? Like by the time you do get touched, its painful and awkward and you just have all this anxiety related to intimacy/sex.
I am curious if this is normal, especially if your spouse touches you in a small way after years of nothing.

this is making actually so much more confused than ever.

The other night, I thought to try and reconnect the marriage. Its Ramadan – a time to fix broken relationships.

I texted him to tuck me into bed.

He came down, I had him get me my special sleeping pillow, Mr. Cuddles which he laughed at. I always sleep in the corner and he said I was so far away. Eventually he put his arm around my waist.

I haven’t been touched at all besides a hand shake, or bumping against him while walking down the hall way for four years now.

My heart beat. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t breathing right but forced it to slow down. I felt like was going to pop out of my ears.

I didn’t know if I wanted his hand to go up or down. And then I wanted him to get his stupid hand off of me after depriving me of everything for YEARS and cheating on me.

I am so confused. When he’s an a-hole, I know what to expect and what to think. But this action of hope? or whatever, its got me so twisted and confused. I don’t know if I want him to tuck me into bed again or not.

And even then, “I” initiated just like I’ve done the majority of the time, which creates more anxiety.

Ramadan 2017

Bismillah ir Arahaman ir Rahim!

So this is my first Ramadhan as a Shi’a Muslim. I am still learning a lot of things. It is also summer time so getting things done can be quite difficult because I have my 3 babies at home.

Not as much time for lots of Spiritual reflection but I’m trying.

I am still cautious and paranoid about my husband. I’m dubious about his intentions. The only time he’s very friendly is if we discuss religion. Sigh.

This month I’ll do more research on Narcisstic Personality Disorder and Islamic Marriage. I will attempt to mend the bond this month, in observance of Ramadhan, and if nothing happens, then I can not be blaimed.

I will have tried my best.

And that’s the most that I can do, try my best, and focus on myself and my children.

Today I found out more things I wish I didn’t know.

Sigh.

I went into my husband’s room to get something while he was out with his daughters. And his phone was on and there was some suspicious texts. There were sooooo many and I read them all.

This woman, who doesn’t have full custody of her own daughter, she and her dad sell weed to my husband from time to time. Sometimes my husband buys weed from someone else. They get together, hook up and smoke weed.

That’s why his car reeks of weed and he acts like I don’t know what that smell means.

When I confronted him months ago, he acted like he wasn’t cheating on me anymore.

Oh boy. And he masturbates, after giving me all these lectures on masturbation being a sin.

She knows he’s Muslim. He acts so Islamic at home and this and that and all this research and then turns around and does this.

He doesn’t call me his wife. When it comes to the children, he calls me his “replacement”. He doesn’t even mention the children we’ve had together, only his older daughters.

And he complained and “vented” to her that women are oppressive and unmerciful.

WTF

From the texts that he wrote down, he won’t stay with her and move in with her because she can’t cook.

OMG.

ughhhh.

So now, when he’s acting friendly ~ I won’t trust it. It’s not real. It’s a facade.

I will continue doing wifely things other than sex, because he hasn’t touched me in 4 years, I’ll be a good Muslim wife and God willing, one day he will be exposed for who he truly is and he’ll have no one to blaim but himself.

For now, I wish I didn’t know. I know too much. It gave me soooo much anxiety. My stomach hurt. I kind of forced myself to eat tonight. Maybe too much. I don’t know.

I still feel a bit of anxiety and plan on getting back on anti-depressants.

I need them to help me fulfill my responsibilities.

Too Immature to be Married

So, I have not hidden the fact, at least on here, that I’m a submissive babygirl. My husband doesn’t know because he’s very narrow minded and very unaccepting of sexuality in general. At least with me anyways.

My husband has told me several times that I’m too immature for marriage.

He told me about how mut’a marriages are halal in Shi’a Islam. Its a temporary marriage. My husband basically told me that if a woman is too emotional to be open to polygyny, then she should only be a temporary wife. I told him the idea is too damaging for many women. He said that people feel like shit all the time, and to just get over it.

oh sighhhhhhh.

I wanted to share a pizza with him. He got two pizzas instead of one. He said, “You think this is lady and the tramp?”. And he laughed at me.

He has told me that I’m immature for marriage. He says that I read too romance novels and that I have unrealistic views of relationships. He says this because I still have cravings and yearnings and yet we’ve almost been married for fourteen years. And yet, he got bored easily and started rejecting me for sex after two weeks of marriage.

I later went on to DDLG World and asked other littles and middles. Apparently, others have experienced the same thing. But I’m a babygirl and it makes sense.

But I also don’t think wanting emotional love, and sex and cuddles and tv marathons, and sleeping next to someone and booty rubs and kisses and contant little touches throughout the day to be immature.

I think its natural.

Health Frustrations

I have pcos. I’ve gained weight since my two falls this winter. I can’t seem to lose the weight.

It looks like I’m going back to recording my food and doing some more tweaking with my intermittent fasting and seeing if I get any results.

Its so frustrating. I just want to feel stronger and healthier. Maybe some recording is most definitely in order.

I just feel like I’m bouncing around trying to figure out what works for me.

GRRRRRRRRRR.

Huge Update

My husband is no longer extremist. He is still very conservative and hyprocritical and harsh, but not extremist. I gave information to my husband’s ex-wife to give to the FBI, and now the FBI wants him to be an informant.

oh boy.

My husband is now a Shi’a muslim. We all are actually. I thought about the information that my husband told me, and I eventually agreed with it because it made sense to me. That was not the reason that my husband wanted me to convert from Sunni to Shi’a.

He wants me to have X amount of faith because of X reason, when he wants it. He doesn’t quite understand that everyone is entitled to their own spiritual journey.

Le sigh.

So now, its like the same problem but different flavor. He still cheats, goes out at night at strange hours, still mostly ignores me. Still no sex for four years now. No hugs, no kisses, no dinner and a movie, no nothing.

The outside has changed, but he’s still really the same person. Right now I’m just trying to cope with all of this. Plus the fact that I have fallen two times in the snow and it wasn’t pretty. I have gone to the Orthopedic doctor. Right now I have really bad IT band syndrome and I still can’t walk up the stairs with my left leg. I’m holding off on some physical therapy exercises, and see if it helps. Otherwise, I’ll be going back to a physical therapist.

Daughter’s Behavior Problems ….

My daughter K is in 6th grade and she has autism. In the beginning of the school year they didn’t have a teacher just a sub. It was like 6 weeks or more before they had a teacher.

And I brainstormed ideas for her behavior issues. But nothing works because she’s learned that bad behavior gets her home to do whatever.

She’s escalating.

Now she’s going to be transferred to a special school for behavior issues. Her brother goes to the same school.

But for some reason it really got to me. I could hear my daughter screaming bloody murder as I left my meeting. Its really hard seeing your child with autism having these issues and being helpless to stop it.

My husband did NOT tell me that its gonna be ok. Nope.

First he told me that bad things happen so you won’t go to Hell. Which, is fine to say, but, maybe not at THAT exact moment.

Then at home, he went off to describe all these problems.

My husband has been saying over and over again that if you complain, that you are a disbeliever and won’t go to Paradise. Someone who has horrible things happen to them and doesn’t complain, will get this and NOT you.

Its a bit troubling. I’ll probably confide is someone better than me on this issue.

This is just not the right time to talk about this.

I’m dealing with this basically all by myself. If he does help me calm her down, which he can do easily because he’s kind of a leaner Alpha so my daughter mostly calms down around him.

But its still so hard. He can talk but he’s not doing any of the work.

Better, but not

Things right now are getting better, but not.

So my husband has finally left being a supporter of Daesh (ISIS/ISIL).

At first I didn’t believe it but he has. And I’m happy. He is now more like a Shi’ah Muslim. I have no problem with it as long as he is better, and not like before.

So when we talk religious affairs now, he almost seems like a friend. But it ends there.

I’m not supposed to listen to music out loud because it attracts devils. Music and dancing is evil.

He’s much nicer to the kidz, but doesn’t spend as much time on them as I’d like.

He still tells me about things that will send me to hell. He hasn’t tried to mend anything. He is all about religion and nothing can be personal. No personal love or anything like that.

When he was bad, I understood my place in things. Now that he’s added some niceness to it. Now I’m back to being  to being confused. Right when I thought he was changing, he hasn’t completely changed. Grrrr. Now I’m torn between feeling guilty and validated.

I’m feeling a bit twisted about it.