Back to the Beginning …..

So, somehow I got it in my head about my husband denying cheating, and claiming that he no longer did it.

Last weekend I was weak, I was yearning to be held soooooo badly. And I went upstairs to try and lay in his bed. It always ends up with him not touching me; him treating me like I’m a leper.

………And I lost my nerve.

I can’t even count how many times he has rejected me and ignored me. It all rolls together, blurry like a fog. But the feeling, is NOT foggy. It’s soooo overwhelming.

I was beginning to think that I am the problem. That I need to try harder. And then after my husband was angry driving through the snow after picking me up from Walmart, I found a torn condom wrapper in the garage.

Before, when I confronted my husband about condoms so many years ago, he says they were for me.

Hahahahahahaha

My husband KNOWS I hate condoms. I hate them with a passion.

And now I realize that I am completely gas lighted. It has completely messed me up. I know that gas lighting has changed my mind too much. I know it. But I don’t know how to undo it.

NO clue what so ever.

So now I’m back to the beginning. I cringe when he walks through the door. I hate this new anxiety.

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Internalizing my rage

Earlier today my husband was trying to talk to me about something and I asked him about it after I prayed my morning prayers. I should have known better. Grrrrrrrrr.

The topic went from one thing to another and eventually landed on female circumcision. Yeah………he doesn’t think it’s abusive or evil or harmful to women whatsoever.

And he thinks I’m making blasphemy because certain Islamic personalities from over 2,000 years ago did it.

He could have said that we can look at it Islamically, historically, culturally and then personally. But he didn’t. He thought I was vulgar because I asked him how taking a knife to my PRINCESS PARTS (hint, hint, NOT the word I actually used) wasn’t evil.

He laughed at me and told me to stop.

Somehow, some way I was able to NOT express all my fave and anger at him. It would have ended up with me kicked out and in the mental ward.

So instead I filled myself with anger and rage. I cried in the bathroom and bit my fingers to cool my rage and pain.

I HATE being laughed at. I HATE him and I wish he was dead. I HATE having to depend on him.

So I target myself for my rage and I don’t know what to do.

I feel less than nothing compared to him. He is So look religious that he can’t have a real marriage with me. Then he acts like I’m a melodramatic liar when I mention all his cheating.

I can’t win either way.

So I’m researching the topic at hand for future reference.

How Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Are Unitentionally Shamed — Free From Toxic

How Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Are Unintentionally Shamed I’m a believer in the popular “we attract what we are” philosophy, but so often it is used in a way that often becomes unintentionally shaming, and in my opinion- false. For instance, think of how people have told you that if you’ve attracted a negative event or…

This is truly beautiful. It makes so much sense for me. I know I haven been silenced many times under the mantra of “at least he doesn’t beat you” or “at least he stayed married to you” not realizing that you ARE his favorite chew toy.

Embarassment

This morning I was feeling proud of myself for getting 2 of my kids bathed all by 10-ish in the morning. Then I just end up bawling, like a wimp, on the toilet of all places. It wouldn’t stop until it stopped. No rhyme or reason.

I can never quite predict my random cries. It felt better when I was done, but it’s so random and I can’t quite get over it.

Later, this afternoon my husband completely embarrassed me in front of his oldest daughter. He told her that I was in a crowed of black people, and that I confused a black hair salon for a salon for hair that has black color to it.

Well the story isn’t even correct. I wasn’t around black people, I got confused as I was calling up places for a hair salon in college.  But the story, that wasn’t true, was funnier to him. It makes me sound racist and ignorant. My husband doesn’t realize how mean and racist it makes him. But he didn’t care. He didn’t care that it was a lie. He didn’t care that I told him not to tell, etc.

It doesn’t help that my step-daughter won’t accept that I’m half-white and half-arab. She won’t accept it. She says I’m just a white woman. She refuses to accept all of my identity ~ erasing a big part of who I am.

And it’s mind-boggling because she talks about how hard it is for her to be black, even though she has lived a much more privileged and pampered life than I ever have. I’ve had to experience sooooooo much more prejudice being Arab and Muslim. She can NOT even comprehend. Just because I am light-skinned.

Its soooo frustrating.

It’s obvious to me that I can NOT trust my husband. EVERY time I thought that the littlest religious conversation was us bonding and getting closer – haha – oh no.

Not again. I know its going to be hard but I am going to try to not engage him. Not indulge that feeling that we might be getting closer. Nope. Nope. Nope.

From now on I’m going to do my religious, my spiritual, my emotional, my mental and sexual reflections on here. To put it down on cyber paper, it cleanses my heart and my mind. Instead of falling into false hope over and over and over again.

At least a rose with thorns has beauty. This is not that. This is like stepping on prickly thorns with your bare feet. It is not fun. So ……… from now on I think I’ll be posting a lot more often. My reflections on all matter.

But on another not, at least I have Mr.Cuddles. He nurtures the little/middle/ddlg part of me (babygirl). Which really helps because the pain I have in life, hurts my babygirl part even more (for future, I refer to my babygirl self as Little Rose).

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Sometimes a bit stupid

So just last night my husband had said in front of our kids, that I’m stupid half the time. I sometimes get things rights.

I felt so stupid. He treats me like I’m stupid anyways. He’s smarter than me. Older than me. More experienced than me. He can read and write and speak Arabic fluently and I can not. And he likes to rub it in because I’m half Arab and thinks its funny. Loves to tell me I’m too American.

And he’s cheated on me so many times. I feel super insignificant and easily replaceable. It’s so easy for him.

He has told me countless times that I don’t matter. I’m just a statistic. Just the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Rubs it in that my mom was “cracker crackhead”. He thinks its funny that I didn’t know that she was a crackhead. He loves that.

He’s let me know that no one cares and everyone will leave and become annoyed with me and abandon me.

Part of me feels like its breaking under all of this. Part of me feels stubborn for the hell of being stubborn. But sometimes I get so tired and I have no real break from the hardship.

Sometimes it helps to think that when the time is right, when the kids older, that, God willing, he’ll miraculously die and then me and my children can finally move on. But how many more years do I have to wait? He gets worse and worse every year. NO matter how much better he appears to be. He knows how to pretend and that makes him insidious.

I know I’m probably depressed but there’s not much I can do if I’m still married to him.

I’m getting harder and harder to stay strong and not get weaker. Especially since he still has all his secrets. I can’t trust him. But then I’m just that weak wife that he doesn’t want. The one that gets made fun of by everyone for being cheated on. Again and again. Its funny how I get to be the villain no matter what I do and sacrifice for my family.

I guess it kind of ties in with this Spiritual month too. A righteous man was killed and some people, not all, villainize him, cast doubt on him and side with his oppressor.

My daughter has recently started calling me Zainab. I like it. She was a righteous woman who didn’t let her brother’s enemies break her. It inspires me to not let my husband break me. But sometimes its really hard.

New Start or BS

So my husband, recently told me that our marriage didn’t become valid until we both became Shi’a.

Which, I get, intellectually, and all. And I understand it. But people don’t forget what you did. My husband expects people just to accept him and everything because he became Shi’a, like he is born again. Slate completely wiped clean.

But I disagree. People remember.

He won’t apologize because of his ego. He doesn’t believe in begging his children or anyone else for forgiveness. People that he sees as less than him. And spending too much time with us, and he says, “I have to go pray/search/recite so I don’t go to hell.”

He’s told me multiple times me and my children are leading him to hell.

A way to make me feel loved.

And he just expects automatic forgiveness. Acts like the past 13/14 years of things don’t matter. You can’t act like that and not expect to put in work.

Just one more crazy thing to add to the list.

I know its too late for me and my marriage. Because he’s an idiot when it comes to relationships. He treats his friends with more love and respect than he ever has me or any of his children.

I just find this new aspect to be incredibly frustrating.

 

Soooo Common …….

My husband has been saying several times now over several years, that cheating on your wife isn’t that big of a deal. Because it is sooooo incredibly common.

Its so nice that my pain and my tears and my personal hell, are so common and trivial.

And I don’t say anything because my husband is so great at mind games.  He’ll act intellectual and philosophical as a part of his mind games. ughhhh. le sigh.

My husband dad would take him out as a kid. and he’d meet his dad’s other women. So my husband thinks its completely normal. He had told his mother where they went, which wasn’t what his dad had said. And ……….. that was the last time my husband’s dad took him out anywhere.

So this is why he always says its normal.

Mentally, I understand that he’s rationalizing, maybe to appease his guilt. I don’t know.

I know sometimes I’ll end up crying after he says these things to me. My mind and my heart just can’t get on the same page.

 

 

Lectures on Sex

So several weeks ago, my husband was giving me lectures on sex. Like how sex is supposed to be in marriage. In Islamic Marriage (Shi’a).

I couldn’t even be angry. I was randomly sarcastic and laughing. I know its considered to be rude or whatever. I just thought it was hilarious that I a man who has rejected me for sex so many times is now lecturing me on something I haven’t had in 4 years.

We have now been married for 14 years and and actually, I haven’t had sex in 5 years now that I think about it. And he thinks I’m ok with it. Hilarious. OMG. So hilarious.

I know in his eyes, I’m obscenely rude, but whatever.

I just couldn’t even be angry.

It Doesn’t bother me

So some recent conversations with my husbands – he admits that he’s a hypocrite. He kind of alludes that he’s not that great.

So we’ll have an intellectual/religious conversation. He goes to pray or watch soccer videos. He comes back down and then acts so incredibly cold.

And then he implies that it doesn’t bother me. He actually doesn’t think it bothers me. He thinks that I’m ok with it. He doesn’t remember all the trying and failing. Again and again.

Sometimes I feel like I’m dealing with two different people. Its Mind boggling.

to think that it doesn’t bother me. I still randomly cry over it.

Sometimes I laugh over it. Sometimes I’m bitter and jaded. Sometimes the pain gets so much I feel like drowning and choking on my blood (emotionally, obviously).

I don’t know if he actually things this or just tells himself this.

I wonder if lots of refuser/cheaters all do this? Say the wife is ok with it, lie to live with it better?

Sexlessness = Sexual Anxiety?

I am curious if sexlessness can create anxiety? Like by the time you do get touched, its painful and awkward and you just have all this anxiety related to intimacy/sex.
I am curious if this is normal, especially if your spouse touches you in a small way after years of nothing.

this is making actually so much more confused than ever.

The other night, I thought to try and reconnect the marriage. Its Ramadan – a time to fix broken relationships.

I texted him to tuck me into bed.

He came down, I had him get me my special sleeping pillow, Mr. Cuddles which he laughed at. I always sleep in the corner and he said I was so far away. Eventually he put his arm around my waist.

I haven’t been touched at all besides a hand shake, or bumping against him while walking down the hall way for four years now.

My heart beat. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t breathing right but forced it to slow down. I felt like was going to pop out of my ears.

I didn’t know if I wanted his hand to go up or down. And then I wanted him to get his stupid hand off of me after depriving me of everything for YEARS and cheating on me.

I am so confused. When he’s an a-hole, I know what to expect and what to think. But this action of hope? or whatever, its got me so twisted and confused. I don’t know if I want him to tuck me into bed again or not.

And even then, “I” initiated just like I’ve done the majority of the time, which creates more anxiety.