Lack of Satisfaction

I was on a religious forum recently talking about female sexuality in Islam.

And …… it is NOT what my husband has said. Not even a little bit.

In fact, a Shi’a Imam said that if a woman lacks satisfaction over a long period of time, she will become frigid and she will dislike her husband.

WOW!

The accuracy is SCARY.

That has happened to me. I haven’t had sex in 5 years. When he randomly touches me in small ways, I freeze up. I yearn to be touched but I freeze up.

And whatever love I might have had towards my husband, through the extreme religious phases and his passive/aggressiveness, his mean sociopathic tendencies, it has dried up.

I can’t do anything about it, but at least now I know what happened to me. And it’s not all my fault, like my husband thinks. He’ll just blame it on me being old and loose.

Now I know the truth.

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Ignorible & Replaceable

I have realized that I am ignorible and replaceable.

So I was talking about these funny/amusing questions on a religious forum about marriage. My husband didn’t see it that way.

To my husband, marriage is nothing more than a business. He doesn’t believe in getting married for spiritual development, or to help one another spiritually. Sexually, yes, not spiritually.

He said it’s simple. If she’s bad, you ignore her. Or you replaceable. She doesn’t have a tight “corkscrew” and she is easily replaceable.

It makes so much sense why my husband treats me the way he does.

He’s told me on several occassions that it’s not tight anymore. That I lost it all in the past. It’s gone and done with.

Sigh. And he has kind of replaced me with his lovers. Not in the childrens’ lives.

I am thinking of doing my own research into religious marriage to find out if this is true, or if it is just him.

It’s just a very depressing “a-ha” moment for me.

Not so important

My marriage is the same old, same old.

He’s nice so long as we only talk about religion. Other than that, he ignores me.

Now, my husband has forgotten the bad memories. Surprise, surprise. But he has completely forgotten most of the good memories.

We don’t have lots of good memories. Especially as I realized how fake it all was. Who he pretended to be, how he manipulated me. I already am looking at the past, dubiously. Knowing it was all facade.

But finding that my husband doesn’t even remember the few good memories kind of hurts. I loved him more than he loved me. I wanted him more than he wanted me. And now I realize that he was more important to me than I ever was to him.

I knew I wasn’t high on his priorities because of all the times he told me he’d have to back off of me so he could pray and not go to hell. But I’m even less important to him than I thought.

I won’t talk to him about it. And now when he asks me if I’ve learned anything, religiously anyways, I hate it. It’s like offering me a handful of false hope.

I have been truly played and am just trying to keep the distance and remind me of the reality of this marriage.

Back to the Beginning …..

So, somehow I got it in my head about my husband denying cheating, and claiming that he no longer did it.

Last weekend I was weak, I was yearning to be held soooooo badly. And I went upstairs to try and lay in his bed. It always ends up with him not touching me; him treating me like I’m a leper.

………And I lost my nerve.

I can’t even count how many times he has rejected me and ignored me. It all rolls together, blurry like a fog. But the feeling, is NOT foggy. It’s soooo overwhelming.

I was beginning to think that I am the problem. That I need to try harder. And then after my husband was angry driving through the snow after picking me up from Walmart, I found a torn condom wrapper in the garage.

Before, when I confronted my husband about condoms so many years ago, he says they were for me.

Hahahahahahaha

My husband KNOWS I hate condoms. I hate them with a passion.

And now I realize that I am completely gas lighted. It has completely messed me up. I know that gas lighting has changed my mind too much. I know it. But I don’t know how to undo it.

NO clue what so ever.

So now I’m back to the beginning. I cringe when he walks through the door. I hate this new anxiety.

Internalizing my rage

Earlier today my husband was trying to talk to me about something and I asked him about it after I prayed my morning prayers. I should have known better. Grrrrrrrrr.

The topic went from one thing to another and eventually landed on female circumcision. Yeah………he doesn’t think it’s abusive or evil or harmful to women whatsoever.

And he thinks I’m making blasphemy because certain Islamic personalities from over 2,000 years ago did it.

He could have said that we can look at it Islamically, historically, culturally and then personally. But he didn’t. He thought I was vulgar because I asked him how taking a knife to my PRINCESS PARTS (hint, hint, NOT the word I actually used) wasn’t evil.

He laughed at me and told me to stop.

Somehow, some way I was able to NOT express all my fave and anger at him. It would have ended up with me kicked out and in the mental ward.

So instead I filled myself with anger and rage. I cried in the bathroom and bit my fingers to cool my rage and pain.

I HATE being laughed at. I HATE him and I wish he was dead. I HATE having to depend on him.

So I target myself for my rage and I don’t know what to do.

I feel less than nothing compared to him. He is So look religious that he can’t have a real marriage with me. Then he acts like I’m a melodramatic liar when I mention all his cheating.

I can’t win either way.

So I’m researching the topic at hand for future reference.

How Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Are Unitentionally Shamed — Free From Toxic

How Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Are Unintentionally Shamed I’m a believer in the popular “we attract what we are” philosophy, but so often it is used in a way that often becomes unintentionally shaming, and in my opinion- false. For instance, think of how people have told you that if you’ve attracted a negative event or…

This is truly beautiful. It makes so much sense for me. I know I haven been silenced many times under the mantra of “at least he doesn’t beat you” or “at least he stayed married to you” not realizing that you ARE his favorite chew toy.

Embarassment

This morning I was feeling proud of myself for getting 2 of my kids bathed all by 10-ish in the morning. Then I just end up bawling, like a wimp, on the toilet of all places. It wouldn’t stop until it stopped. No rhyme or reason.

I can never quite predict my random cries. It felt better when I was done, but it’s so random and I can’t quite get over it.

Later, this afternoon my husband completely embarrassed me in front of his oldest daughter. He told her that I was in a crowed of black people, and that I confused a black hair salon for a salon for hair that has black color to it.

Well the story isn’t even correct. I wasn’t around black people, I got confused as I was calling up places for a hair salon in college.  But the story, that wasn’t true, was funnier to him. It makes me sound racist and ignorant. My husband doesn’t realize how mean and racist it makes him. But he didn’t care. He didn’t care that it was a lie. He didn’t care that I told him not to tell, etc.

It doesn’t help that my step-daughter won’t accept that I’m half-white and half-arab. She won’t accept it. She says I’m just a white woman. She refuses to accept all of my identity ~ erasing a big part of who I am.

And it’s mind-boggling because she talks about how hard it is for her to be black, even though she has lived a much more privileged and pampered life than I ever have. I’ve had to experience sooooooo much more prejudice being Arab and Muslim. She can NOT even comprehend. Just because I am light-skinned.

Its soooo frustrating.

It’s obvious to me that I can NOT trust my husband. EVERY time I thought that the littlest religious conversation was us bonding and getting closer – haha – oh no.

Not again. I know its going to be hard but I am going to try to not engage him. Not indulge that feeling that we might be getting closer. Nope. Nope. Nope.

From now on I’m going to do my religious, my spiritual, my emotional, my mental and sexual reflections on here. To put it down on cyber paper, it cleanses my heart and my mind. Instead of falling into false hope over and over and over again.

At least a rose with thorns has beauty. This is not that. This is like stepping on prickly thorns with your bare feet. It is not fun. So ……… from now on I think I’ll be posting a lot more often. My reflections on all matter.

But on another not, at least I have Mr.Cuddles. He nurtures the little/middle/ddlg part of me (babygirl). Which really helps because the pain I have in life, hurts my babygirl part even more (for future, I refer to my babygirl self as Little Rose).

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Sometimes a bit stupid

So just last night my husband had said in front of our kids, that I’m stupid half the time. I sometimes get things rights.

I felt so stupid. He treats me like I’m stupid anyways. He’s smarter than me. Older than me. More experienced than me. He can read and write and speak Arabic fluently and I can not. And he likes to rub it in because I’m half Arab and thinks its funny. Loves to tell me I’m too American.

And he’s cheated on me so many times. I feel super insignificant and easily replaceable. It’s so easy for him.

He has told me countless times that I don’t matter. I’m just a statistic. Just the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Rubs it in that my mom was “cracker crackhead”. He thinks its funny that I didn’t know that she was a crackhead. He loves that.

He’s let me know that no one cares and everyone will leave and become annoyed with me and abandon me.

Part of me feels like its breaking under all of this. Part of me feels stubborn for the hell of being stubborn. But sometimes I get so tired and I have no real break from the hardship.

Sometimes it helps to think that when the time is right, when the kids older, that, God willing, he’ll miraculously die and then me and my children can finally move on. But how many more years do I have to wait? He gets worse and worse every year. NO matter how much better he appears to be. He knows how to pretend and that makes him insidious.

I know I’m probably depressed but there’s not much I can do if I’m still married to him.

I’m getting harder and harder to stay strong and not get weaker. Especially since he still has all his secrets. I can’t trust him. But then I’m just that weak wife that he doesn’t want. The one that gets made fun of by everyone for being cheated on. Again and again. Its funny how I get to be the villain no matter what I do and sacrifice for my family.

I guess it kind of ties in with this Spiritual month too. A righteous man was killed and some people, not all, villainize him, cast doubt on him and side with his oppressor.

My daughter has recently started calling me Zainab. I like it. She was a righteous woman who didn’t let her brother’s enemies break her. It inspires me to not let my husband break me. But sometimes its really hard.

New Start or BS

So my husband, recently told me that our marriage didn’t become valid until we both became Shi’a.

Which, I get, intellectually, and all. And I understand it. But people don’t forget what you did. My husband expects people just to accept him and everything because he became Shi’a, like he is born again. Slate completely wiped clean.

But I disagree. People remember.

He won’t apologize because of his ego. He doesn’t believe in begging his children or anyone else for forgiveness. People that he sees as less than him. And spending too much time with us, and he says, “I have to go pray/search/recite so I don’t go to hell.”

He’s told me multiple times me and my children are leading him to hell.

A way to make me feel loved.

And he just expects automatic forgiveness. Acts like the past 13/14 years of things don’t matter. You can’t act like that and not expect to put in work.

Just one more crazy thing to add to the list.

I know its too late for me and my marriage. Because he’s an idiot when it comes to relationships. He treats his friends with more love and respect than he ever has me or any of his children.

I just find this new aspect to be incredibly frustrating.

 

Soooo Common …….

My husband has been saying several times now over several years, that cheating on your wife isn’t that big of a deal. Because it is sooooo incredibly common.

Its so nice that my pain and my tears and my personal hell, are so common and trivial.

And I don’t say anything because my husband is so great at mind games.  He’ll act intellectual and philosophical as a part of his mind games. ughhhh. le sigh.

My husband dad would take him out as a kid. and he’d meet his dad’s other women. So my husband thinks its completely normal. He had told his mother where they went, which wasn’t what his dad had said. And ……….. that was the last time my husband’s dad took him out anywhere.

So this is why he always says its normal.

Mentally, I understand that he’s rationalizing, maybe to appease his guilt. I don’t know.

I know sometimes I’ll end up crying after he says these things to me. My mind and my heart just can’t get on the same page.