Sexlessness = Sexual Anxiety?

I am curious if sexlessness can create anxiety? Like by the time you do get touched, its painful and awkward and you just have all this anxiety related to intimacy/sex.
I am curious if this is normal, especially if your spouse touches you in a small way after years of nothing.

this is making actually so much more confused than ever.

The other night, I thought to try and reconnect the marriage. Its Ramadan – a time to fix broken relationships.

I texted him to tuck me into bed.

He came down, I had him get me my special sleeping pillow, Mr. Cuddles which he laughed at. I always sleep in the corner and he said I was so far away. Eventually he put his arm around my waist.

I haven’t been touched at all besides a hand shake, or bumping against him while walking down the hall way for four years now.

My heart beat. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t breathing right but forced it to slow down. I felt like was going to pop out of my ears.

I didn’t know if I wanted his hand to go up or down. And then I wanted him to get his stupid hand off of me after depriving me of everything for YEARS and cheating on me.

I am so confused. When he’s an a-hole, I know what to expect and what to think. But this action of hope? or whatever, its got me so twisted and confused. I don’t know if I want him to tuck me into bed again or not.

And even then, “I” initiated just like I’ve done the majority of the time, which creates more anxiety.

Today I found out more things I wish I didn’t know.

Sigh.

I went into my husband’s room to get something while he was out with his daughters. And his phone was on and there was some suspicious texts. There were sooooo many and I read them all.

This woman, who doesn’t have full custody of her own daughter, she and her dad sell weed to my husband from time to time. Sometimes my husband buys weed from someone else. They get together, hook up and smoke weed.

That’s why his car reeks of weed and he acts like I don’t know what that smell means.

When I confronted him months ago, he acted like he wasn’t cheating on me anymore.

Oh boy. And he masturbates, after giving me all these lectures on masturbation being a sin.

She knows he’s Muslim. He acts so Islamic at home and this and that and all this research and then turns around and does this.

He doesn’t call me his wife. When it comes to the children, he calls me his “replacement”. He doesn’t even mention the children we’ve had together, only his older daughters.

And he complained and “vented” to her that women are oppressive and unmerciful.

WTF

From the texts that he wrote down, he won’t stay with her and move in with her because she can’t cook.

OMG.

ughhhh.

So now, when he’s acting friendly ~ I won’t trust it. It’s not real. It’s a facade.

I will continue doing wifely things other than sex, because he hasn’t touched me in 4 years, I’ll be a good Muslim wife and God willing, one day he will be exposed for who he truly is and he’ll have no one to blaim but himself.

For now, I wish I didn’t know. I know too much. It gave me soooo much anxiety. My stomach hurt. I kind of forced myself to eat tonight. Maybe too much. I don’t know.

I still feel a bit of anxiety and plan on getting back on anti-depressants.

I need them to help me fulfill my responsibilities.

Too Immature to be Married

So, I have not hidden the fact, at least on here, that I’m a submissive babygirl. My husband doesn’t know because he’s very narrow minded and very unaccepting of sexuality in general. At least with me anyways.

My husband has told me several times that I’m too immature for marriage.

He told me about how mut’a marriages are halal in Shi’a Islam. Its a temporary marriage. My husband basically told me that if a woman is too emotional to be open to polygyny, then she should only be a temporary wife. I told him the idea is too damaging for many women. He said that people feel like shit all the time, and to just get over it.

oh sighhhhhhh.

I wanted to share a pizza with him. He got two pizzas instead of one. He said, “You think this is lady and the tramp?”. And he laughed at me.

He has told me that I’m immature for marriage. He says that I read too romance novels and that I have unrealistic views of relationships. He says this because I still have cravings and yearnings and yet we’ve almost been married for fourteen years. And yet, he got bored easily and started rejecting me for sex after two weeks of marriage.

I later went on to DDLG World and asked other littles and middles. Apparently, others have experienced the same thing. But I’m a babygirl and it makes sense.

But I also don’t think wanting emotional love, and sex and cuddles and tv marathons, and sleeping next to someone and booty rubs and kisses and contant little touches throughout the day to be immature.

I think its natural.

Better, but not

Things right now are getting better, but not.

So my husband has finally left being a supporter of Daesh (ISIS/ISIL).

At first I didn’t believe it but he has. And I’m happy. He is now more like a Shi’ah Muslim. I have no problem with it as long as he is better, and not like before.

So when we talk religious affairs now, he almost seems like a friend. But it ends there.

I’m not supposed to listen to music out loud because it attracts devils. Music and dancing is evil.

He’s much nicer to the kidz, but doesn’t spend as much time on them as I’d like.

He still tells me about things that will send me to hell. He hasn’t tried to mend anything. He is all about religion and nothing can be personal. No personal love or anything like that.

When he was bad, I understood my place in things. Now that he’s added some niceness to it. Now I’m back to beingĀ  to being confused. Right when I thought he was changing, he hasn’t completely changed. Grrrr. Now I’m torn between feeling guilty and validated.

I’m feeling a bit twisted about it.

 

 

 

 

Crude Judgement

Lately my husband has been apologizing; to anyone but me, about his behavior. Like saying it’s okay to kill Christians, etc. He’s nicer to the kids……. and yet he says I’m going to hell for Belly Dancing. Le sigh. He doesn’t say this about any music or dancing but Arab music and Belly Dancing.

Tonight my husband and his friend were talking about religious stuff. Well my husband and his friend still support ISIS, aka Daesh. They actually think that it’s all propaganda. OMG.

So many Muslim scholars have spoken out against the. So many mass murders and they think it’s propaganda. My husband thinks I’m ignorant and stupid.

And the way my husband and his friend, who is living with us and is basically a parasite, were talking about other Muslims. Ugggh. Everyone is at a different place in their spiritual/religious journey. Who are you to judge!?! They think because they read a couple of books that they know everything. They read, but their hearts are cold and hard and don’t comprehend.

Denial

So …… my husband told me today he wants to talk to my daughters worker to vouch for her. I was pissed. Apparently, it doesn’t matter that I do everything and pay for everything, he basically says the kidz are his. And everything I do doesn’t matter because he’s the man of the house.

I was very pissed. He won’t let my daughters cover religiously because he thinks it makes the kidz look bad. And that the kidz will make the religion look bad. Apparently its horrible and unreligious for kidz to go to the park.

I told him he’s a hypocrite for cheating on me, etc and then saying all of this. He says the condoms I found were for us. BS. I’ve had an IUD for YEARS and he knows i hate condoms.

He denies giving me STDs after coming back from Morocco for 5 months.

He says, wheres your evidence. So basically anything I say is unfounded because I have no evidence. But he can say anything about me without evidence.

Also, yesterday I found out that we have $600 in food stamps. I had no idea we were eligible for food stamps. Apparently, he’s been keeping it to himself. Oh boy.

I can’t talk to my grandma for too long because she’s helpless to do anything and it gives her an upset stomach.

Talking to him makes me sick.

And I feel stupified (Harry Potter hehe)every single time he comes in, says a few words, and just like that I’m stumped. I don’t know how he can bring me down so easily.

One of my daughters even asks if her dad loved me. I probably shouldn’t have told her no but I did. She hopes to marry a man thats a good religious man, NOT like her father. Those were her words not mine. I told her its ok. We love each other (mommy and kidz) and thats all that mattered.

I try to hide my tears from my kidz but I can’t always do that.

It still amazes me how he can deny obvious things he’s done so easily.

Florida …..

My husband recently told me that he wants us to move to Florida because there’s a larger Muslim community there that would be good for the kidz.

He can say all the right things, but I seriously doubt his intentions.

My biggest concern is that I’d be more isolated than I already am. I think he really just wants to take me away from my family so he can feel more masculine and in control. If a woman has the tiniest say in anything, he feels like its emasculating.

He says its for religion, but knowing him, its for power and control. He’s said before in the past that he’s wanted to get me away from my family. He thinks I’ll never have true religious faith when I can depend on my family for help.

Right now I’m praying that this NEVER happens. He says he’s going forward with it and he doesn’t care how sick my grandparents are.

I have no idea what to do. He doesn’t listen and treats me like I’m stupid. He talks at me, he doesn’t talk TO me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Depression and Fatigue

I have found a new doctor that listens to me. She is going to address my overwhelming fatigue. And I just got started on buPROPion, an anti-depressant that might also help with weight loss. yay.

She suggested that I start some counseling. She thought it might help to talk to someone about my problems. I’m not sure. I’m kind of undecided.

It would be nice to talk to someone about all of my complicated issues and drama that is going on right now. I’m not sure about it. I’m always afraid of seeming like a hypocondriac or something like that.

And I’m not sure how its gonna affect me or what it can do for me with all of the issues I’m having. Being overwhelmed with kidz, health problems, a couple living with me, sexless marriage, my husband ignoring me and verbally abusing me her and there.

I’m still unsure but my family thinks it would do me some good so I might at least look into it.

Taking Control of the Money

I was going to file the PFDs and again, my husband beat me to it. GRRRRR.

My husband has slowly and slowly been getting control of more and more of the money.

As it is, I’m still in control of my childrens SSI’s. He gets the Tax Return and the childrens PFDs. I may or may not get him to give me some of the Childrens PFDs.

He uses them to pay off his debt in child support. But he also used it last year to take a trip to Morocco but I found out it was really Hawaii with his friend.

I have no idea what to do. Its just getting more frustrating.

Houseguests

My husband’s friend and his wife, are now staying with us. He’s American Black and she is Malaysian. I used to be friends with her but we had an argument years ago.

We are living peacefully right now. His mom and his sister hate them for being Muslim and they hate her not being black. They hate her because she is a foreigner. One of them threatened to kill her, and even watched her while her and her husband were having sex.

So now they are sleeping in my husbands bed with all their stuff until they find a new place. Its funny that they sleep next to each other while my husband can’t stand me. The only time he texts me is he wants food or this or that.

I feel like more of a prisoner in my own place. I have less and less. Part of this is because they are more conservative. I have to be careful when I go upstairs because my husband and her husband are up there, etc.

I have to pretend that everything is ok. He sleeps in the computer room on the floor. Its so ironic that they are the guests and they get to do more marriage things than me and i’m the woman of the house.

I know its petty and selfish and jealousy. Its just so sadly ironic to me.