Sometimes a bit stupid

So just last night my husband had said in front of our kids, that I’m stupid half the time. I sometimes get things rights.

I felt so stupid. He treats me like I’m stupid anyways. He’s smarter than me. Older than me. More experienced than me. He can read and write and speak Arabic fluently and I can not. And he likes to rub it in because I’m half Arab and thinks its funny. Loves to tell me I’m too American.

And he’s cheated on me so many times. I feel super insignificant and easily replaceable. It’s so easy for him.

He has told me countless times that I don’t matter. I’m just a statistic. Just the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Rubs it in that my mom was “cracker crackhead”. He thinks its funny that I didn’t know that she was a crackhead. He loves that.

He’s let me know that no one cares and everyone will leave and become annoyed with me and abandon me.

Part of me feels like its breaking under all of this. Part of me feels stubborn for the hell of being stubborn. But sometimes I get so tired and I have no real break from the hardship.

Sometimes it helps to think that when the time is right, when the kids older, that, God willing, he’ll miraculously die and then me and my children can finally move on. But how many more years do I have to wait? He gets worse and worse every year. NO matter how much better he appears to be. He knows how to pretend and that makes him insidious.

I know I’m probably depressed but there’s not much I can do if I’m still married to him.

I’m getting harder and harder to stay strong and not get weaker. Especially since he still has all his secrets. I can’t trust him. But then I’m just that weak wife that he doesn’t want. The one that gets made fun of by everyone for being cheated on. Again and again. Its funny how I get to be the villain no matter what I do and sacrifice for my family.

I guess it kind of ties in with this Spiritual month too. A righteous man was killed and some people, not all, villainize him, cast doubt on him and side with his oppressor.

My daughter has recently started calling me Zainab. I like it. She was a righteous woman who didn’t let her brother’s enemies break her. It inspires me to not let my husband break me. But sometimes its really hard.

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New Start or BS

So my husband, recently told me that our marriage didn’t become valid until we both became Shi’a.

Which, I get, intellectually, and all. And I understand it. But people don’t forget what you did. My husband expects people just to accept him and everything because he became Shi’a, like he is born again. Slate completely wiped clean.

But I disagree. People remember.

He won’t apologize because of his ego. He doesn’t believe in begging his children or anyone else for forgiveness. People that he sees as less than him. And spending too much time with us, and he says, “I have to go pray/search/recite so I don’t go to hell.”

He’s told me multiple times me and my children are leading him to hell.

A way to make me feel loved.

And he just expects automatic forgiveness. Acts like the past 13/14 years of things don’t matter. You can’t act like that and not expect to put in work.

Just one more crazy thing to add to the list.

I know its too late for me and my marriage. Because he’s an idiot when it comes to relationships. He treats his friends with more love and respect than he ever has me or any of his children.

I just find this new aspect to be incredibly frustrating.

 

Soooo Common …….

My husband has been saying several times now over several years, that cheating on your wife isn’t that big of a deal. Because it is sooooo incredibly common.

Its so nice that my pain and my tears and my personal hell, are so common and trivial.

And I don’t say anything because my husband is so great at mind games.  He’ll act intellectual and philosophical as a part of his mind games. ughhhh. le sigh.

My husband dad would take him out as a kid. and he’d meet his dad’s other women. So my husband thinks its completely normal. He had told his mother where they went, which wasn’t what his dad had said. And ……….. that was the last time my husband’s dad took him out anywhere.

So this is why he always says its normal.

Mentally, I understand that he’s rationalizing, maybe to appease his guilt. I don’t know.

I know sometimes I’ll end up crying after he says these things to me. My mind and my heart just can’t get on the same page.

 

 

Lectures on Sex

So several weeks ago, my husband was giving me lectures on sex. Like how sex is supposed to be in marriage. In Islamic Marriage (Shi’a).

I couldn’t even be angry. I was randomly sarcastic and laughing. I know its considered to be rude or whatever. I just thought it was hilarious that I a man who has rejected me for sex so many times is now lecturing me on something I haven’t had in 4 years.

We have now been married for 14 years and and actually, I haven’t had sex in 5 years now that I think about it. And he thinks I’m ok with it. Hilarious. OMG. So hilarious.

I know in his eyes, I’m obscenely rude, but whatever.

I just couldn’t even be angry.

It Doesn’t bother me

So some recent conversations with my husbands – he admits that he’s a hypocrite. He kind of alludes that he’s not that great.

So we’ll have an intellectual/religious conversation. He goes to pray or watch soccer videos. He comes back down and then acts so incredibly cold.

And then he implies that it doesn’t bother me. He actually doesn’t think it bothers me. He thinks that I’m ok with it. He doesn’t remember all the trying and failing. Again and again.

Sometimes I feel like I’m dealing with two different people. Its Mind boggling.

to think that it doesn’t bother me. I still randomly cry over it.

Sometimes I laugh over it. Sometimes I’m bitter and jaded. Sometimes the pain gets so much I feel like drowning and choking on my blood (emotionally, obviously).

I don’t know if he actually things this or just tells himself this.

I wonder if lots of refuser/cheaters all do this? Say the wife is ok with it, lie to live with it better?

Sexlessness = Sexual Anxiety?

I am curious if sexlessness can create anxiety? Like by the time you do get touched, its painful and awkward and you just have all this anxiety related to intimacy/sex.
I am curious if this is normal, especially if your spouse touches you in a small way after years of nothing.

this is making actually so much more confused than ever.

The other night, I thought to try and reconnect the marriage. Its Ramadan – a time to fix broken relationships.

I texted him to tuck me into bed.

He came down, I had him get me my special sleeping pillow, Mr. Cuddles which he laughed at. I always sleep in the corner and he said I was so far away. Eventually he put his arm around my waist.

I haven’t been touched at all besides a hand shake, or bumping against him while walking down the hall way for four years now.

My heart beat. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t breathing right but forced it to slow down. I felt like was going to pop out of my ears.

I didn’t know if I wanted his hand to go up or down. And then I wanted him to get his stupid hand off of me after depriving me of everything for YEARS and cheating on me.

I am so confused. When he’s an a-hole, I know what to expect and what to think. But this action of hope? or whatever, its got me so twisted and confused. I don’t know if I want him to tuck me into bed again or not.

And even then, “I” initiated just like I’ve done the majority of the time, which creates more anxiety.

Today I found out more things I wish I didn’t know.

Sigh.

I went into my husband’s room to get something while he was out with his daughters. And his phone was on and there was some suspicious texts. There were sooooo many and I read them all.

This woman, who doesn’t have full custody of her own daughter, she and her dad sell weed to my husband from time to time. Sometimes my husband buys weed from someone else. They get together, hook up and smoke weed.

That’s why his car reeks of weed and he acts like I don’t know what that smell means.

When I confronted him months ago, he acted like he wasn’t cheating on me anymore.

Oh boy. And he masturbates, after giving me all these lectures on masturbation being a sin.

She knows he’s Muslim. He acts so Islamic at home and this and that and all this research and then turns around and does this.

He doesn’t call me his wife. When it comes to the children, he calls me his “replacement”. He doesn’t even mention the children we’ve had together, only his older daughters.

And he complained and “vented” to her that women are oppressive and unmerciful.

WTF

From the texts that he wrote down, he won’t stay with her and move in with her because she can’t cook.

OMG.

ughhhh.

So now, when he’s acting friendly ~ I won’t trust it. It’s not real. It’s a facade.

I will continue doing wifely things other than sex, because he hasn’t touched me in 4 years, I’ll be a good Muslim wife and God willing, one day he will be exposed for who he truly is and he’ll have no one to blaim but himself.

For now, I wish I didn’t know. I know too much. It gave me soooo much anxiety. My stomach hurt. I kind of forced myself to eat tonight. Maybe too much. I don’t know.

I still feel a bit of anxiety and plan on getting back on anti-depressants.

I need them to help me fulfill my responsibilities.

Too Immature to be Married

So, I have not hidden the fact, at least on here, that I’m a submissive babygirl. My husband doesn’t know because he’s very narrow minded and very unaccepting of sexuality in general. At least with me anyways.

My husband has told me several times that I’m too immature for marriage.

He told me about how mut’a marriages are halal in Shi’a Islam. Its a temporary marriage. My husband basically told me that if a woman is too emotional to be open to polygyny, then she should only be a temporary wife. I told him the idea is too damaging for many women. He said that people feel like shit all the time, and to just get over it.

oh sighhhhhhh.

I wanted to share a pizza with him. He got two pizzas instead of one. He said, “You think this is lady and the tramp?”. And he laughed at me.

He has told me that I’m immature for marriage. He says that I read too romance novels and that I have unrealistic views of relationships. He says this because I still have cravings and yearnings and yet we’ve almost been married for fourteen years. And yet, he got bored easily and started rejecting me for sex after two weeks of marriage.

I later went on to DDLG World and asked other littles and middles. Apparently, others have experienced the same thing. But I’m a babygirl and it makes sense.

But I also don’t think wanting emotional love, and sex and cuddles and tv marathons, and sleeping next to someone and booty rubs and kisses and contant little touches throughout the day to be immature.

I think its natural.

Better, but not

Things right now are getting better, but not.

So my husband has finally left being a supporter of Daesh (ISIS/ISIL).

At first I didn’t believe it but he has. And I’m happy. He is now more like a Shi’ah Muslim. I have no problem with it as long as he is better, and not like before.

So when we talk religious affairs now, he almost seems like a friend. But it ends there.

I’m not supposed to listen to music out loud because it attracts devils. Music and dancing is evil.

He’s much nicer to the kidz, but doesn’t spend as much time on them as I’d like.

He still tells me about things that will send me to hell. He hasn’t tried to mend anything. He is all about religion and nothing can be personal. No personal love or anything like that.

When he was bad, I understood my place in things. Now that he’s added some niceness to it. Now I’m back to being  to being confused. Right when I thought he was changing, he hasn’t completely changed. Grrrr. Now I’m torn between feeling guilty and validated.

I’m feeling a bit twisted about it.

 

 

 

 

Crude Judgement

Lately my husband has been apologizing; to anyone but me, about his behavior. Like saying it’s okay to kill Christians, etc. He’s nicer to the kids……. and yet he says I’m going to hell for Belly Dancing. Le sigh. He doesn’t say this about any music or dancing but Arab music and Belly Dancing.

Tonight my husband and his friend were talking about religious stuff. Well my husband and his friend still support ISIS, aka Daesh. They actually think that it’s all propaganda. OMG.

So many Muslim scholars have spoken out against the. So many mass murders and they think it’s propaganda. My husband thinks I’m ignorant and stupid.

And the way my husband and his friend, who is living with us and is basically a parasite, were talking about other Muslims. Ugggh. Everyone is at a different place in their spiritual/religious journey. Who are you to judge!?! They think because they read a couple of books that they know everything. They read, but their hearts are cold and hard and don’t comprehend.