Birthday with Family

Today, I turned 34.

My husband barely acknowledged me today. Once was to tell me my cousins were here. Which was by saying , “You’ve got guests to entertain.”.  And later when I wanted to know why two of the kids were still NOT in bed.

Mon Dieu.

My step-daughter gave me two paranormal/romance/mystery books. One of my daughters and aunt and 3 cousins went out with me to Red Robin. The clapping blinded me and made my eyes act funny, hehe

It has left me like the same overly shy girl I was when I was 4 and 5, lol.

So I had a family dinner. I got to vent to my grandma a bit about my husband. My grandma sympathizes with me and how he is. Its nice. Sometimes she’s the only one who thinks I’m a good wife and mother. It helps.

I didn’t get birthday sex. Or a birthday hug. No birthday anything from HIM. But at least I got a nice family dinner. My husband sucks but I’m very grateful to Allah that I have family that will celebrate it with me and makes me feel special, even though I’m getting older. Letting mommy-me have a couple of special moment. If not for them, I would feel lost and have worse self esteem than I do now.

So grateful for them.

 

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Hoping for a better New Year!!!

This year has really sucked. It has been hard. I will not even lie, in just too many ways to count. I am hoping for a much better year. I

I am hoping to get my health under control.

I am hoping to get into better shape.

I am hoping to get a little bit better at intermittent fasting.

I am hoping to lose weight.

I am hoping to my children continue to mature and become loving people.

But ……. I am not so sure that I am hoping for a better marriage. On one hand, I’m not sure there’s anything to really hope for. On another hand, every time he acts nice during a religious or an intellectual conversation. And there I fill up with false hope only to feel bad when he ignores me later and spends the night elsewhere. And because he is the man, I’m not allowed to ask where he’s gone or going.

He’s said that more than once, as crazy as that sounds.

And to set the New Year’s off even more, I’m sick and my husband isn’t here. I’ve never ever spent a New Year’s with him doing anything.My husband discussed with me why mixed kids (like me and our kids) are confused. That because we grow up with multiple cultures, multiple identities that we can’t thrive for very long without a mental break, or whatever. That we are confused and aren’t loyal to any side of their identity.

It makes me sad. I cried. It didn’t make me feel much better afterwards. So I’ll just go on ahead and try for my own New Years.

Progress NOT perfection.

 

Better, but not

Things right now are getting better, but not.

So my husband has finally left being a supporter of Daesh (ISIS/ISIL).

At first I didn’t believe it but he has. And I’m happy. He is now more like a Shi’ah Muslim. I have no problem with it as long as he is better, and not like before.

So when we talk religious affairs now, he almost seems like a friend. But it ends there.

I’m not supposed to listen to music out loud because it attracts devils. Music and dancing is evil.

He’s much nicer to the kidz, but doesn’t spend as much time on them as I’d like.

He still tells me about things that will send me to hell. He hasn’t tried to mend anything. He is all about religion and nothing can be personal. No personal love or anything like that.

When he was bad, I understood my place in things. Now that he’s added some niceness to it. Now I’m back to being  to being confused. Right when I thought he was changing, he hasn’t completely changed. Grrrr. Now I’m torn between feeling guilty and validated.

I’m feeling a bit twisted about it.

 

 

 

 

My Grandma’s Past with Me

My aunt’s boyfriends, youngest son is living with my aunt. Thats a huge story just by itself lol.

But since he has issues and my grandma tries to help with him then it has triggered my grandma’s memories of the past.

My grandma is generous, almost to the point of being dangerous,  like in a mentally healthy kind of way.

She likes to be the victim. She doesn’t want to let go of the past. And she has always been a bit of a control freak. She only remembers what other people did to her, and not what she’s done to other people. Grrrrr.

I lived with my grandma from 14 to 17. My mom was an alcoholic and drug addict. She was in jail and then in rehab.

No one sat me down and talked to me. Not that I remember anyways. It was just, you’re moving in with Grandma. That was it.

I would try to walk to my room and calm myself down. My grandma wouldn’t let me walk away. She’d follow me and get in my face until I hit her. What I did was wrong, but whenever I’d ask her for some space, she’d never give it to me.

I have no problem taking credit for my good and bad actions, but I hate it when other people don’t take responsible for THEIR share.

After my mom died, I didn’t handle her death very well. I did have some very bad temper tantrums at school. My grandma put me under immense pressure for college. So much pressure. My mom hadn’t been dead for even a year.

I ended up hitting her in school. I went with my dad. I ended up shaving my head and then my aunt came and got me for an intervention.

I was in the mental hospital for a week. Then I lived in kind of like intervention housing for kidz. My grandma felt unsafe around me and like she had to walk on egg shells.

I didn’t trust my grandma. I knew what I did was wrong but I didn’t trust her because she refused to admit her faults. I admitted to mine. I am always the one that apologises, to everyone.

I don’t handle anger well. Its gotten much, much better. Unless I see red which is very rare now a days.

I am sick to my stomach. Literally. I have apologized soooo many times and every time she acts like its the first time she’s heard it.

Now that my Aunt’s, bf’s youngest son is there, she dots on him. And she talks about how great he is. And at the end, she uses her “venting” to bring it back and blaim it all on ME.

She doesn’t just do this to me. She does this to EVERYONE.

To this day, she is still jealous of her sister. My great Aunt is one of my favoritest people in the world. I love her to pieces. She’s loving, nurturing, motherly and very accepting.

She’s even helped me understand me aunt better and why she is the way she is. It makes so much sense. My aunt is very stressy, very screamy, and bi-polar. Apparently I hadn’t realised what it would have been like to grow wup with such a controlling mother. I see it differently now.

I love my grandma and I appreciate what she does but I don’t trust her. I thought we had gone past that so I don’t trust her. But I have learned to love and have immense gratitude for some of my other elders. My great Aunt, my great, great grandpa (my grandma doesn’t get along. Thats her step-dad. He raised her, and when he was a drug addict and alcoholic, he molested her).

Its horrible and vile. He apologised to all of his kidz for beating them. He has apologised to my grandma. My grandma won’t forgive him. And thats fine. The rest of us grandchildren and great grandchildren, he’s never touched.

He has always been funny and accepting. Sometimes it was hard for him, coming from an older, white generation (When I became Muslim and I got married, my husband being black made him a big uncomfortable.)

But now I’m gonna be more cautious around her. She won’t forgive me no matter how much I grovel. And even if she has forgiven me, she still takes pleasure in rubbing my nose over and over again. I won’t trust her and I’ll be cautious.

 

 

 

 

Crude Judgement

Lately my husband has been apologizing; to anyone but me, about his behavior. Like saying it’s okay to kill Christians, etc. He’s nicer to the kids……. and yet he says I’m going to hell for Belly Dancing. Le sigh. He doesn’t say this about any music or dancing but Arab music and Belly Dancing.

Tonight my husband and his friend were talking about religious stuff. Well my husband and his friend still support ISIS, aka Daesh. They actually think that it’s all propaganda. OMG.

So many Muslim scholars have spoken out against the. So many mass murders and they think it’s propaganda. My husband thinks I’m ignorant and stupid.

And the way my husband and his friend, who is living with us and is basically a parasite, were talking about other Muslims. Ugggh. Everyone is at a different place in their spiritual/religious journey. Who are you to judge!?! They think because they read a couple of books that they know everything. They read, but their hearts are cold and hard and don’t comprehend.

Florida …..

My husband recently told me that he wants us to move to Florida because there’s a larger Muslim community there that would be good for the kidz.

He can say all the right things, but I seriously doubt his intentions.

My biggest concern is that I’d be more isolated than I already am. I think he really just wants to take me away from my family so he can feel more masculine and in control. If a woman has the tiniest say in anything, he feels like its emasculating.

He says its for religion, but knowing him, its for power and control. He’s said before in the past that he’s wanted to get me away from my family. He thinks I’ll never have true religious faith when I can depend on my family for help.

Right now I’m praying that this NEVER happens. He says he’s going forward with it and he doesn’t care how sick my grandparents are.

I have no idea what to do. He doesn’t listen and treats me like I’m stupid. He talks at me, he doesn’t talk TO me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Houseguests

My husband’s friend and his wife, are now staying with us. He’s American Black and she is Malaysian. I used to be friends with her but we had an argument years ago.

We are living peacefully right now. His mom and his sister hate them for being Muslim and they hate her not being black. They hate her because she is a foreigner. One of them threatened to kill her, and even watched her while her and her husband were having sex.

So now they are sleeping in my husbands bed with all their stuff until they find a new place. Its funny that they sleep next to each other while my husband can’t stand me. The only time he texts me is he wants food or this or that.

I feel like more of a prisoner in my own place. I have less and less. Part of this is because they are more conservative. I have to be careful when I go upstairs because my husband and her husband are up there, etc.

I have to pretend that everything is ok. He sleeps in the computer room on the floor. Its so ironic that they are the guests and they get to do more marriage things than me and i’m the woman of the house.

I know its petty and selfish and jealousy. Its just so sadly ironic to me.

Thanksgiving!

For thanksgiving, I celebrate it and my husband does NOT. I cooked some chicken and hard boiled eggs and rice and bread. He left the bread out to get hard and literally inedible.

I stayed at my aunt’s house for 2 nights and 3 days. It was fun but stressful. I tried to eat as well as I could. I shared dessert with one of my kidz. I even managed a little bit of exercise.

The first night my daughter K threw up and then in the morning she was just fine. We also celebrated that its been one year since my grandpa had a stroke. This year he got to eat and he got to walk. It was a bit of a big deal for everyone.

This year I got to take both of my daughters but my son stayed with Daddy because he gets up too early and theres just too much stuff for him to get into. He’s too high need  to take out there.

Everything was mostly ok except when we packed up. My aunt didn’t want to take me and I really needed to get chores done at home. My husband “forgot” I was coming in. le sigh. My aunt was pissed at having to wait. And then my two daughters were overwhelmed, overstimulated. My daughter A can get especially mean (I say its something she gets from her Dad, being very mean with the mouth). It took around 2 days to come down from all of that.

I know its not just us, my family from lower 48 have a problem calming down and getting back to normal after visiting the family up here. It can be stressful.

I did overeat a bit when I can home. But I’m just happy to get back to the same schedule!

 

 

 

Neglecting Family = Reconnecting to Allah

So my kidz woke me up around 3:30 a.m. and wouldn’t go back to sleep. ARghhhhh. And I couldn’t get back to sleep. I am sooooo not kidding you. I called my husband (he hasn’t been staying at home a lot lately). Then I texted him to ask him to stay at home during the weekday because the kidz sleep longer when he’s home.

My husband came home right as I was going to lay down and take a nap. Instead what I got was a huge lecture. It was SUPPOSED to be a discussion, but he was talking AT me, not with me. And as usually, any invisible ballz that I had to stand up for myself, just shriveled up and died instantly.

He wanted to know about how I felt about moving to NC, where his family lives. Thinking about living with my MIL so she can help me with the kidz. I asked about the school system there, etc. He went off in a tirade about police being trained to shoot to kill anyone they saw fit, etc. He also went off on a tirade about the school system. He’s very negative and an emotional vampire. And he knows how to talk to make me feel and sound immature and stupid.

And then, there was this “AHA” moment. My husband ALLOWS us to have a tv and watch dvds. He doesn’t stay at home because he’s trying to get into a better place in the moment, religiously. Us and the tv and all of it. Basically he said that we have lead him down and a bad path and it lead him to some bad decisions (probably the weed I found, torn condom packets, etc). He can’t babysit us, or his kidz. He has to spend all his time away from us to focus on himself.

He says I’ve gone down a bad path too. I’m not brainwashed like I was when I married him. When I was totally manipulated to do everything he wanted he loved me. And now that I’m not, he sees me as his pathway to hell. He may have mentioned and praised the Islamic State (ISIS) somewhere in there and I just kept my mouth shut. He knows I think they’re invalid and he sees me as corrupt for thinking such. Anyways ………….

He says now that he’s 41 (40 years old by standard calender) he has to focus on his path to the hereafter. If he hangs around us, he’ll be worshipping up. He thinks that me NOT giving up on my children is worshipping them and that I don’t Truly worship Allah.

All these years and it finally comes out – he sees us as not only a burden, but as his path to hell. And we are preventing him from his journey with Allah.

I know that this is not true. I know that being a good husband and father are HIGH, HIGH religious duties and very praiseworthy. Mentally I know this but basically when he implied that we are evil, it still kind of hurt. Yes it hurt. Yes I take everything personally. He doesn’t think there should be too many emotions in a marriage, marriage is only a business contract.

I wish one day that my children find love even though they have autism. And yet I don’t have autism and I don’t even have love. My mind is just confused, boggled and completely overwhelmed right now.

Good Conversation

Today I had lunch with my husband’s ex-wife. I will call her L for now. I couldn’t talk over the phone about my husband and whether or not her daughters were safe with their dad (my husband). So we decided on breakfast.

I finished my workout, finished baking bread (I mix it in the bread machine and then bake it in the oven).

So we went to IHop and talked. I told her that its just who my husband is. So far so good, hes just strong opinions and that I’ve tried to prevent him from being mean but couldn’t always stop it if I wasn’t there. One of my step-daughters wants to have a relationship with their biological father. I told her it wasn’t such a great idea for him to go to her graduation.

His decline has been gradual. Apparently when he was married to her, it was a steady decline also. So much repetition, so much toxic cycle.  I told her to tell the girls that theres nothing wrong with them, that he is not WHOLE and that it would be disappointing if she tried to have a relationship with him. He either acts nice to them and mean to me, or he just hides away and ignores everyone. The few times he pretended to at least bond with his older daughters his mean streak REALLY came out.

I just wanted to let her and the girls to know its nothing with them. Its him. Hes a covert narcissist. The conversation was good and I feel so much better having done it. A load is off my shoulders. We shared some horror stories lol. When her daughters were around 2-3 and they came home with “I love you” cards for valentines he tore them apart. With me, my son hugged him and said I love you (he has autism and at 10 talking is still an issue). He shrugged it off and was mad because he said it in English and not in Arabic. le sigh.

He has gone off the path so far, but it just seems like his nice is just a mask, and his mean is just who he really is and always has been.

It was a great conversation. It was kind of funny because her friend was soo shocked that we have breakfast together lol. But it was lovely. We are cool with each other. My kidz love her. Our kidz love each other. It doesn’t have to be ugly if you do it for the love of family and kidz.