Hoping for a better New Year!!!

This year has really sucked. It has been hard. I will not even lie, in just too many ways to count. I am hoping for a much better year. I

I am hoping to get my health under control.

I am hoping to get into better shape.

I am hoping to get a little bit better at intermittent fasting.

I am hoping to lose weight.

I am hoping to my children continue to mature and become loving people.

But ……. I am not so sure that I am hoping for a better marriage. On one hand, I’m not sure there’s anything to really hope for. On another hand, every time he acts nice during a religious or an intellectual conversation. And there I fill up with false hope only to feel bad when he ignores me later and spends the night elsewhere. And because he is the man, I’m not allowed to ask where he’s gone or going.

He’s said that more than once, as crazy as that sounds.

And to set the New Year’s off even more, I’m sick and my husband isn’t here. I’ve never ever spent a New Year’s with him doing anything.My husband discussed with me why mixed kids (like me and our kids) are confused. That because we grow up with multiple cultures, multiple identities that we can’t thrive for very long without a mental break, or whatever. That we are confused and aren’t loyal to any side of their identity.

It makes me sad. I cried. It didn’t make me feel much better afterwards. So I’ll just go on ahead and try for my own New Years.

Progress NOT perfection.

 

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Winter Blues

Right now I am sick. I’m not sure quite WHAT I have and I can’t lay down just yet. I have to pray, make lunch, have to be awake to receive a present for my son, etc.

oh boy.

I won’t be able to rest until much later.

It started with a sore throat and body aches and ear pain. Now I’m tired, with stuffy nose, runny nose, still have body aches,  among other things.

It’s hard to be sick and be such a caretaker because all you need is rest, but its hard to get rest in. Go figure.

Before this, I had made my kids a crapload of muffins. Only the double chocolate muffins actually rose and everyone loves them for dessert. SOOOOO yummy. Dark chocolate nom nom nom.

And I am feeling down. I don’t even celebrate Christmas, even though more and more Christmas is in my house because of my kids. Which is fine. I’m cool with it. Even without celebrating it, I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday energy and anxiety or whatever. Its got a very “je ne sais pas” quality that I just can’t quite describe.

So maybe it’s just winter burnout or something.

But on the other hand, I am trying to get back to doing a tiny bit of Islamic studies everyday. Right now I’m reading and writing notes from a Shi’a book called Nahjul Balargha. It’s a book of compiled sayings, sermons and letters, written by the first Shi’a Imam, ‘Ali (A.S.) , also the wife of Fatimah (A.S.), also cousin and son-in-law to the Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.S.). It’s not complete, as it was compiled by a human, but its a very good book. So much wisdom and eloquence in it. So beyond my intellect, so it’s hard for me. Its going to take a while for me, lol.

And also, I will try to create better Friday habits. God willing. Friday is the most special day. It’s also the day of Imam Mahdi (the last Imam, and the one that will establish Justice upon the earth for all humans, in the end of time, and when he comes out of occultation). So that’s something new I’m learning.  A new habit to learn, which is good. Not having goals is NEVER a good place to be.

I have to inspire myself to be a better person. I’m a babygirl without a Daddy to encourage and inspire me to be the best version of myself. So I’m trying.

Progress not perfection.

Getting Better ….. slowly

So I was sick for 4 weeks. I experienced almost all the symptoms. And I still have a lingering cough. Le sigh. It probably doesn’t help that I’m forgetting to use my inhaler as much as I should.

So …… I am slowly getting back into working out. I was out of shape before I got sick. So for now, I’m sticking to pretty toned down workouts. Like less than 20 minutes hehe. NOT including the warm up and stretching, of course.

I’m feeling super wimpy but I have to remember how much more energy I need for the kids as well.

So that’s about it. I also need to get back on the wagon with my blood type diet and my intermittent fasting.

Out of Sync

Right now I”m feeling completely and utterly out of sync.

I may have enjoyed too much of my free time without the kids and am having a hard time getting things done.

I’m realizing that certain things I need to avoid because they are complete time wasters.

And that some other things I need to help keep me focused – like exercise.  I know I’m also having issues with mental focus and I may look up some ways to heighten that. Tweak my diet, among other things.

This past week and a half, we have been living on rice and eggs. Just that. so …. better budgeting for this next month. Thats for sure.

I have also found that I do much better with potatoes and whole grain, REAL whole grain bread. NOT rice and noodles.

That is for sure.

I can’t wait for tomorrow, the first, so I can put it all into affect. I also have to wait for some Yoga pants. Exercise clothes really do help getting into the right mindset.

So I’m glad that I know what I need now.

 

 

Health Frustrations

I have pcos. I’ve gained weight since my two falls this winter. I can’t seem to lose the weight.

It looks like I’m going back to recording my food and doing some more tweaking with my intermittent fasting and seeing if I get any results.

Its so frustrating. I just want to feel stronger and healthier. Maybe some recording is most definitely in order.

I just feel like I’m bouncing around trying to figure out what works for me.

GRRRRRRRRRR.

MRSA III

So I am mostly done healing from my 3erd bout with MRSA. Two years ago I got it once in my jaw, once (small) in my nostril, and this last time it was in my cheek. The pressure was HORRIBLE. And the process was painful.

Three days after it first appeared (as a small pimple) I went to the ER. They didn’t want to cut me open and just told me to use a warm compress.

2 days I went into a walk-in clinic. They injected me 2x to numb the pain. It stung. I cried and sobbed and shook. I hated it to pieces.

Then the doctor cut me open, popped it, cleaned it out with salt water, and then stuffed it with a thin piece of cloth. I had to go everyday for 6 or 7 days and had to have at least 2 anti-biotic shots in the butt plus 10 days of antibiotics.

And now, unfortunately one of my daughters has it. It was horrible. I had my husband take her to the doctor. I now have to grind it up in applesauce and see how that goes. Our ran out and so I couldn’t afford the liquid medication.

So now I’m just trying to help her get over it. I hope and pray that she gets better soon.

 

Energy & Damn Carbs :(

So no matter what I do the doctors can’t find the cause of my lack of energy. The last time at the gynecologist was just humiliating. Like I don’t eat right. I eat a crapload of veggies and good protein and she just looks at me with pity.

I haven’t been able to go under 255 in 3 years. It ranges between 250 to 260. Previously 250 WAS my highest weight.

So I decided to be some pills as “helping aids”. After I got home, it dawned on me that I’ve always taken “helpers”. As a teen I took chromium for cravings, other times this or that and the other.

I tried Hydroxycut but it made my heart beat too fast. So now I’m taking  Green Tea Fat Burner. In one week I’ve lost 2 pounds which is healthy and sane. 255 pounds. I haven’t weighed 255 in years. usually its 257-260.

But I’m happy with my slow progress. I’m taking my exercise levels s l o w l y so I don’t burn out and build a good habit.

However, the other day I decided to have egg fried rice that I cooked for everyone else. I gained 2 pounds. The bad thing is I gained 2 pounds incredibly fast, the good thing is that I know this and know what to expect if I eat rice. And even brown rice, no matter how tasty, still doesn’t satiate me as a carb. Grrrrrr.

Another good thing is that I realize how INCREDIBLY sensitive I am to carbs. Its good that I’m realizing it.

I, knowing this, am aware I’m going to have to come up with some good strategies to resist the damn things since my kidz and husband can eat them and I really shouldnt. 😦

 

New Fitness Beginning

A few years ago, my weight went down from 250 to 230. And it slowly crept back up. Yesterday it was 257. This is truly my low point, or high point, lol.

So I have decided to start over. I’m having MORE fatigue even though I’m not new to exercise.

So I’m going back to the basics. Walking exercises. Light belly dance drillz. Gentle Yoga and stretching.

This is where I’m gonna be for a while. In the meanwhile I’m doing research on fatigue and stuff like that. Back to babysteps.

Hormones & IUDs

So….. my hormones are out of control. Erratic periods and days and days of spotting. Since I wasn’t doing anything, my gynecologist decided to switch my IUD to a hormone based one.

If I had known how painful it would be, I would have opted for pills lol.

I went in and after the scope was in, she pulled out the old IUD. Not super painful, but most definitely uncomfortable. ughhh.

Then she tried to put in the new one but I wouldn’t quit screaming in pain. It hurt so bad. And yeah …… she ended up giving me a shot in my vagina. She said this won’t hurt as bad as before. I said what are you giving me, she said never mind and then she said, “Grit your teeth”. Oh boy. I’m pretty sure I started screaming about why its so hard to be a woman, lol.

It hurt. After all this breathing, painful moaning and screaming ~ I still hurt and was exhausted. I also had blood work done.

I came home and slept off the rest of the pain.

My test came back all completely normal and I have another appointment to discuss the next course of action.

And I’m still spotting from the new IUD.

le sigh. Female stuff is so painful but trying to take care of my health.

 

 

Overexerising …..grrrrrFo

Apparently I’m overexercising. Which could account for some of my cravings and my recent bloating.

I wish it wasn’t overexericising. that I was in better shape. But I have to just accept that this just where I’m at right now.

No more than 30 minutes of dancing or else I get burned out the next day and need to sleep. I have to go to bed before 11 or I can barely get  up in time and get ready for the day.

I’m trying to find the right balance so I can lose weight but not burn out and need napping the next day. And also sleep. I find that I can’t NOT function physically if I’m not well rested and have enough sleep.

For now I’m gonna take a rest day and plan my exercise attack for tomorrow.