Name Changes

So recently I found some Shi’a women to talk to. Online, in various places. It’s nice because there’s no such thing over here where I live. I’m a bit isolated.

And she talked to me about changing my daughter’s name. I never even thought about it.

In my sect, it’s the name of a opressor. So I asked my daughter if she’d like another name. And she did. I didn’t realise it had actually bothered her so much.

My husband and her step-sister don’t want it to be changed. Oh boy. I told her that I’d have it changed next year. Her new name is going to be Zahra Ruquayah. Their names of very precious and pious women. She’s even better behaved. yay.

And she calls me Zainab. She’s the only one that calls me that for now. But I like it. Named after a pious woman who refused to break. I wish to be more like that.

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Sometimes a bit stupid

So just last night my husband had said in front of our kids, that I’m stupid half the time. I sometimes get things rights.

I felt so stupid. He treats me like I’m stupid anyways. He’s smarter than me. Older than me. More experienced than me. He can read and write and speak Arabic fluently and I can not. And he likes to rub it in because I’m half Arab and thinks its funny. Loves to tell me I’m too American.

And he’s cheated on me so many times. I feel super insignificant and easily replaceable. It’s so easy for him.

He has told me countless times that I don’t matter. I’m just a statistic. Just the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Rubs it in that my mom was “cracker crackhead”. He thinks its funny that I didn’t know that she was a crackhead. He loves that.

He’s let me know that no one cares and everyone will leave and become annoyed with me and abandon me.

Part of me feels like its breaking under all of this. Part of me feels stubborn for the hell of being stubborn. But sometimes I get so tired and I have no real break from the hardship.

Sometimes it helps to think that when the time is right, when the kids older, that, God willing, he’ll miraculously die and then me and my children can finally move on. But how many more years do I have to wait? He gets worse and worse every year. NO matter how much better he appears to be. He knows how to pretend and that makes him insidious.

I know I’m probably depressed but there’s not much I can do if I’m still married to him.

I’m getting harder and harder to stay strong and not get weaker. Especially since he still has all his secrets. I can’t trust him. But then I’m just that weak wife that he doesn’t want. The one that gets made fun of by everyone for being cheated on. Again and again. Its funny how I get to be the villain no matter what I do and sacrifice for my family.

I guess it kind of ties in with this Spiritual month too. A righteous man was killed and some people, not all, villainize him, cast doubt on him and side with his oppressor.

My daughter has recently started calling me Zainab. I like it. She was a righteous woman who didn’t let her brother’s enemies break her. It inspires me to not let my husband break me. But sometimes its really hard.

My first Muharram

This is my first Muharram. Technically I have been Muslim for 14 years now. But when I was a Salafi and a Sunni no one really emphasised Muharram for me.

I became Shi’a last year but this year is the first year where I have had any bit of heightened awareness, so to speak.

It is overwhelming. It feels like a daunting task that I very much want to tackle.

It is the first month of the Islamic calender, but its a month of mourning. And the tragedy that was occuring I don’t even know how many years ago, is so tragic. Its tragic and horrific.

So this Muharram and I want to strengthen my spiritual connection and try to avoid my husband as much as I can.

I feel the loneliness and the emotional abandonement much more severely during times like this. Many couples work together for things like this, but I’m doing it by myself.

The family of the Prophet (s.a.w.s.) did not escape their pain and it doesn’t look like I will be able to either.

It is very lonely. And the only thing I can expect from him is an intellectual/religious/philosophical conversation. Nothing more. I know better than to reach out for that false hope.

I know many religious people, say that during this time, your pains go away when your remember such a tragedy. But for me, it just reinforces it for me. At least they had each other and died together. I don’t even have that. Its just me. I’m the bad guy to my kids, and teh good guy. I’m the major provider, nurterer, etc. Its everything and its very hard with very little help from HIM.

But I’m going to try and do my best during this sad, holy month.

 

Mid-Ramadhan

Well its slightly past the middle of Ramadhan right about now. I’m doing a lot of extra cooking, especially with it being summer vacation for the children.

I have started making small improvements to my prayers. I have been listening to Islamic lectures from Youtube and I’m learning.

I’m still calling my grandma and keeping in touch. Unfortunately she’s getting less company during the summer, NOT more. So I still check on her.

Ramadhan is still hard on me. One year my husband decided that he wasn’t having any sex at all during Ramadhan, even though its allowed after breaking fast.

Cutting off all hugs, kisses, sex, EVERYTHING, during Ramadhan began years ago. And so every Ramadhan hurts because he has a valid excuse to not have anything to do with me.

And if the conversation turns non-religious, he stops because its sinful, or I’m leading him to hell, or he has to go and study so he won’t go to hell, etc, etc etc.

So Ramadhan is a psychological reminder of what I can never have.

And also, my husband had told me recently, the spouses shouldn’t look at each other naked. Even if its something that I’d need so I’m not tempted. For years and years he’s looked at the ground instead of looking at me.

So joyful. Le sigh. And if I see him shirtless or anything close like that, I hate it. Its just another annoying and painful reminder.

I tend to cry randomly during this month because of what I know I’ll never have. But its halfway over and am trying to focus on better prayers.

Ramadan 2017

Bismillah ir Arahaman ir Rahim!

So this is my first Ramadhan as a Shi’a Muslim. I am still learning a lot of things. It is also summer time so getting things done can be quite difficult because I have my 3 babies at home.

Not as much time for lots of Spiritual reflection but I’m trying.

I am still cautious and paranoid about my husband. I’m dubious about his intentions. The only time he’s very friendly is if we discuss religion. Sigh.

This month I’ll do more research on Narcisstic Personality Disorder and Islamic Marriage. I will attempt to mend the bond this month, in observance of Ramadhan, and if nothing happens, then I can not be blaimed.

I will have tried my best.

And that’s the most that I can do, try my best, and focus on myself and my children.

Huge Update

My husband is no longer extremist. He is still very conservative and hyprocritical and harsh, but not extremist. I gave information to my husband’s ex-wife to give to the FBI, and now the FBI wants him to be an informant.

oh boy.

My husband is now a Shi’a muslim. We all are actually. I thought about the information that my husband told me, and I eventually agreed with it because it made sense to me. That was not the reason that my husband wanted me to convert from Sunni to Shi’a.

He wants me to have X amount of faith because of X reason, when he wants it. He doesn’t quite understand that everyone is entitled to their own spiritual journey.

Le sigh.

So now, its like the same problem but different flavor. He still cheats, goes out at night at strange hours, still mostly ignores me. Still no sex for four years now. No hugs, no kisses, no dinner and a movie, no nothing.

The outside has changed, but he’s still really the same person. Right now I’m just trying to cope with all of this. Plus the fact that I have fallen two times in the snow and it wasn’t pretty. I have gone to the Orthopedic doctor. Right now I have really bad IT band syndrome and I still can’t walk up the stairs with my left leg. I’m holding off on some physical therapy exercises, and see if it helps. Otherwise, I’ll be going back to a physical therapist.

Better, but not

Things right now are getting better, but not.

So my husband has finally left being a supporter of Daesh (ISIS/ISIL).

At first I didn’t believe it but he has. And I’m happy. He is now more like a Shi’ah Muslim. I have no problem with it as long as he is better, and not like before.

So when we talk religious affairs now, he almost seems like a friend. But it ends there.

I’m not supposed to listen to music out loud because it attracts devils. Music and dancing is evil.

He’s much nicer to the kidz, but doesn’t spend as much time on them as I’d like.

He still tells me about things that will send me to hell. He hasn’t tried to mend anything. He is all about religion and nothing can be personal. No personal love or anything like that.

When he was bad, I understood my place in things. Now that he’s added some niceness to it. Now I’m back to being  to being confused. Right when I thought he was changing, he hasn’t completely changed. Grrrr. Now I’m torn between feeling guilty and validated.

I’m feeling a bit twisted about it.

 

 

 

 

Crude Judgement

Lately my husband has been apologizing; to anyone but me, about his behavior. Like saying it’s okay to kill Christians, etc. He’s nicer to the kids……. and yet he says I’m going to hell for Belly Dancing. Le sigh. He doesn’t say this about any music or dancing but Arab music and Belly Dancing.

Tonight my husband and his friend were talking about religious stuff. Well my husband and his friend still support ISIS, aka Daesh. They actually think that it’s all propaganda. OMG.

So many Muslim scholars have spoken out against the. So many mass murders and they think it’s propaganda. My husband thinks I’m ignorant and stupid.

And the way my husband and his friend, who is living with us and is basically a parasite, were talking about other Muslims. Ugggh. Everyone is at a different place in their spiritual/religious journey. Who are you to judge!?! They think because they read a couple of books that they know everything. They read, but their hearts are cold and hard and don’t comprehend.

Florida …..

My husband recently told me that he wants us to move to Florida because there’s a larger Muslim community there that would be good for the kidz.

He can say all the right things, but I seriously doubt his intentions.

My biggest concern is that I’d be more isolated than I already am. I think he really just wants to take me away from my family so he can feel more masculine and in control. If a woman has the tiniest say in anything, he feels like its emasculating.

He says its for religion, but knowing him, its for power and control. He’s said before in the past that he’s wanted to get me away from my family. He thinks I’ll never have true religious faith when I can depend on my family for help.

Right now I’m praying that this NEVER happens. He says he’s going forward with it and he doesn’t care how sick my grandparents are.

I have no idea what to do. He doesn’t listen and treats me like I’m stupid. He talks at me, he doesn’t talk TO me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Random Updates

I had a shot in my left knee. It was NOT a meniscus tear but knee bursitis. Because its been bothering me for a while, I have to take it easy for a week before I do some exercise.  I am very glad I got it done though.

I’m just taking it easy for now.

On another note, lots of people on EP (Experience Project) have told me I’m too passive about my husband being a supporter of ISIS, or daesh as they should be called. Bigoted Devils. That I could go to jail for knowing about it and doing nothing.

So tonight I contacted 2 different Islamic resources and asked them what to do.

I’m going to wait for their answers before I go about contacting someone else.

But I am doing something. I’m not being completely passive. I don’t want to do something premature and then I get the backlash and then no one believes me.

My husband calls me a liar anyways as it is. But I’m making progress. I just have to wait for some answers. I’m going slow and smart on this one.