Internalizing my rage

Earlier today my husband was trying to talk to me about something and I asked him about it after I prayed my morning prayers. I should have known better. Grrrrrrrrr.

The topic went from one thing to another and eventually landed on female circumcision. Yeah………he doesn’t think it’s abusive or evil or harmful to women whatsoever.

And he thinks I’m making blasphemy because certain Islamic personalities from over 2,000 years ago did it.

He could have said that we can look at it Islamically, historically, culturally and then personally. But he didn’t. He thought I was vulgar because I asked him how taking a knife to my PRINCESS PARTS (hint, hint, NOT the word I actually used) wasn’t evil.

He laughed at me and told me to stop.

Somehow, some way I was able to NOT express all my fave and anger at him. It would have ended up with me kicked out and in the mental ward.

So instead I filled myself with anger and rage. I cried in the bathroom and bit my fingers to cool my rage and pain.

I HATE being laughed at. I HATE him and I wish he was dead. I HATE having to depend on him.

So I target myself for my rage and I don’t know what to do.

I feel less than nothing compared to him. He is So look religious that he can’t have a real marriage with me. Then he acts like I’m a melodramatic liar when I mention all his cheating.

I can’t win either way.

So I’m researching the topic at hand for future reference.


Better, but not

Things right now are getting better, but not.

So my husband has finally left being a supporter of Daesh (ISIS/ISIL).

At first I didn’t believe it but he has. And I’m happy. He is now more like a Shi’ah Muslim. I have no problem with it as long as he is better, and not like before.

So when we talk religious affairs now, he almost seems like a friend. But it ends there.

I’m not supposed to listen to music out loud because it attracts devils. Music and dancing is evil.

He’s much nicer to the kidz, but doesn’t spend as much time on them as I’d like.

He still tells me about things that will send me to hell. He hasn’t tried to mend anything. He is all about religion and nothing can be personal. No personal love or anything like that.

When he was bad, I understood my place in things. Now that he’s added some niceness to it. Now I’m back to being  to being confused. Right when I thought he was changing, he hasn’t completely changed. Grrrr. Now I’m torn between feeling guilty and validated.

I’m feeling a bit twisted about it.





Taking Control of the Money

I was going to file the PFDs and again, my husband beat me to it. GRRRRR.

My husband has slowly and slowly been getting control of more and more of the money.

As it is, I’m still in control of my childrens SSI’s. He gets the Tax Return and the childrens PFDs. I may or may not get him to give me some of the Childrens PFDs.

He uses them to pay off his debt in child support. But he also used it last year to take a trip to Morocco but I found out it was really Hawaii with his friend.

I have no idea what to do. Its just getting more frustrating.


My husband’s friend and his wife, are now staying with us. He’s American Black and she is Malaysian. I used to be friends with her but we had an argument years ago.

We are living peacefully right now. His mom and his sister hate them for being Muslim and they hate her not being black. They hate her because she is a foreigner. One of them threatened to kill her, and even watched her while her and her husband were having sex.

So now they are sleeping in my husbands bed with all their stuff until they find a new place. Its funny that they sleep next to each other while my husband can’t stand me. The only time he texts me is he wants food or this or that.

I feel like more of a prisoner in my own place. I have less and less. Part of this is because they are more conservative. I have to be careful when I go upstairs because my husband and her husband are up there, etc.

I have to pretend that everything is ok. He sleeps in the computer room on the floor. Its so ironic that they are the guests and they get to do more marriage things than me and i’m the woman of the house.

I know its petty and selfish and jealousy. Its just so sadly ironic to me.

Neglecting Family = Reconnecting to Allah

So my kidz woke me up around 3:30 a.m. and wouldn’t go back to sleep. ARghhhhh. And I couldn’t get back to sleep. I am sooooo not kidding you. I called my husband (he hasn’t been staying at home a lot lately). Then I texted him to ask him to stay at home during the weekday because the kidz sleep longer when he’s home.

My husband came home right as I was going to lay down and take a nap. Instead what I got was a huge lecture. It was SUPPOSED to be a discussion, but he was talking AT me, not with me. And as usually, any invisible ballz that I had to stand up for myself, just shriveled up and died instantly.

He wanted to know about how I felt about moving to NC, where his family lives. Thinking about living with my MIL so she can help me with the kidz. I asked about the school system there, etc. He went off in a tirade about police being trained to shoot to kill anyone they saw fit, etc. He also went off on a tirade about the school system. He’s very negative and an emotional vampire. And he knows how to talk to make me feel and sound immature and stupid.

And then, there was this “AHA” moment. My husband ALLOWS us to have a tv and watch dvds. He doesn’t stay at home because he’s trying to get into a better place in the moment, religiously. Us and the tv and all of it. Basically he said that we have lead him down and a bad path and it lead him to some bad decisions (probably the weed I found, torn condom packets, etc). He can’t babysit us, or his kidz. He has to spend all his time away from us to focus on himself.

He says I’ve gone down a bad path too. I’m not brainwashed like I was when I married him. When I was totally manipulated to do everything he wanted he loved me. And now that I’m not, he sees me as his pathway to hell. He may have mentioned and praised the Islamic State (ISIS) somewhere in there and I just kept my mouth shut. He knows I think they’re invalid and he sees me as corrupt for thinking such. Anyways ………….

He says now that he’s 41 (40 years old by standard calender) he has to focus on his path to the hereafter. If he hangs around us, he’ll be worshipping up. He thinks that me NOT giving up on my children is worshipping them and that I don’t Truly worship Allah.

All these years and it finally comes out – he sees us as not only a burden, but as his path to hell. And we are preventing him from his journey with Allah.

I know that this is not true. I know that being a good husband and father are HIGH, HIGH religious duties and very praiseworthy. Mentally I know this but basically when he implied that we are evil, it still kind of hurt. Yes it hurt. Yes I take everything personally. He doesn’t think there should be too many emotions in a marriage, marriage is only a business contract.

I wish one day that my children find love even though they have autism. And yet I don’t have autism and I don’t even have love. My mind is just confused, boggled and completely overwhelmed right now.

Emotions, Emotions and Emotions

So lately I have realized that my emotions with my husband may be PART of why I’ve been emotionally eating. Since I don’t really have a husband, why not eat this or that. He doesn’t really care about me anyways.

Not sure what to do about it. Right now I’m just aware of it.

AND I’m crying a lot more. oh boy. I don’t know why. I’m practically used to it. I feel like something is up with my husband and he won’t tell me what it is. He rarely sleeps at night. Rarely wants food. He’s rarely home at all now. And for some reason it makes me cry. You’d think I’d be over this.

I masterbate or watch porn – it reminds me of what I’ll never have. I cry.

I read a steamy romance novel from kindle – I cry

I’ve never been like this before. With all the crying and stuff. Its getting kind of ridiculous. My husband not talking to me and I’m fine, and then when I get ready I’m crying and screaming and I can’t even make a noise because it hurts to much. And I can barely get him to even say Hi to me.

Insane Conversation

So my husband got mad at me because I thought he punished one of our daughters too harshly. Shes been leaving the house early in the morning. And the police came and brought her home. I’m glad that she was safe

He was soooo pissed because I was holding her with her crying. I hate it when my children cry. He brought up how my kidz walk all over me. Granted – its true. And I am working on finding better ways of dealing with them, disciplining them.

Ughhh. I am not very assertive. I hate disciplining my kidz. I only do it if I have to. I am working on it.

My husband and I talked. He talked down to me. He knows exactly how to use his words to make me feel stupid. And he treats me like I’m stupid.

He asked me what I needed and I told him nothing. When I needed help with disciplining the kidz, he wouldn’t help me. And now he decides to randomly discipline them. He rarely remembers when hes wrong. He ALWAYS remembers when I’m wrong, but not him. And if he does, its not that often.


I cried later. I called my great aunt, she really helped me. Told me to block him out because hes doing it on purpose, to press my buttons. She had a similar bad marriage. She completely understands. I felt bad about just talking about myself but it felt so good to vent.

I might have also mentioned to my husband how I knew about his whores. He laughed about me bringing up “girls”. He said i was being dramatic and theatrical.

Now hes acting nicer, engaging more with the kidz.

I hate it when he does this. Treats me horribly then acts nice and then makes me think that it was all in my head. It makes me go on a roller coaster that I don’t like.

So when he’s nice I’m dubious. I don’t trust it at all. I know hes such a huge mind game and knows how to manipulate me so I don’t trust him at all.

NO Hijab

Well as everyone who knows me, they know I’m Muslim. I cover Islamically.

Lately my husband is getting more and more extreme. Even though my daughters are still little girls, more so emotionally and mentally than physically. They aren’t as developed as I was at their ages, but still.

My husband  has now decided that if they don’t adhere to his strict idea of covering, then they shouldn’t cover at all. No hijab.

All or nothing. In the past I’ve tried to explain to him, that there is hope. Progress not perfection. That just because you can’t do something perfectly, doesn’t mean you don’t do it at all. He thinks doing it my way is a disgrace to the religion. I make Islam look bad, and like a joke to non-Muslims.


My daughters usually wear pants, long dresses, usually short sleeved and Hijabs. Pretty soon I am going to have them start wearing long sleeved shirts under their dresses because of my husband strict standards. And I’ll start making them thigh to knee long dresses, as per his standards.

Personally, I think hes getting too strict too fast. He wasn’t like this before. He says I’ve changed and thats true. I was overly strict because I was a new Muslimah (female Muslim) and I was encouraged to do so. I wasn’t really given the chance to learn at my own pace. I was pushed and pushed until we found out the kidz have autism. Then he decided the learning religion was only for him and he’d tell me what to do. What not to do. And now he complains that I’m not a good Muslimah.

One time he said I was barely a Muslim, and if I didn’t watch myself, I would no longer be valid as a Muslim.

He can be so frustrating sometimes.

My grandma has asked me if hes becoming more fanatic, and I said yes. Shes afraid he’ll try to have them circumcised. As it is, we just walk on egg shells around him. Try not to make him angry as his mean streak is getting more and more. He’ll be angry for no reason what so ever. He won’t talk about it.

I have found secret files from the VA that he has anxiety problems and serious sleeping problems. I have no idea why. Why he wouldn’t share it with me. I’m trying not to worry too much.

Just trying to not get in the way of his grumpiness. One of my daughters, I’ll call her Skinny Girl and the other one Chubby Mama. Well Skinny Girl thinks that her dad is mad because he eats too much sugar. hehe. So cute.

Getting Aggressive

Friday, my husband came home to find my daughter eating chicken nuggets with her friend who is not Muslim and she wasn’t wearing her hijab.

My husband came home, surprisingly early, and grabbed her ear and pulled her upstairs into his bedroom. I got up there as fast as I could, which wasn’t very fast with my painful knees. When I got to her, i told him NO.

He got mad and just said I need to take a nap and we went downstairs.

Even with my my daughter being reddish-brown, her ear was really red. I got her ice for her ear and her friend, commented that her dad was mean.

My grandma and my aunt just found out this past weekend about it. She asked me if hes getting more extreme, in terms of religion, and I said yes, gradually he is.

My grandma is worried he’ll try to take the kidz and have them circumcised. My grandma doesn’t quite understand him, especially why he does this and he’s American.  He was born in North Caroline and ht thinks of himself as being more Arab than me, whatever.

I’m kind of afraid that I would’t be able to stop it. I don’t want to be the woman who knows and does nothing. I want to be the kind that takes it and sacrifices herself for her kidz.

Hes intimidating and I think at this point its safe to say that I’m afraid of him.