So my kidz woke me up around 3:30 a.m. and wouldn’t go back to sleep. ARghhhhh. And I couldn’t get back to sleep. I am sooooo not kidding you. I called my husband (he hasn’t been staying at home a lot lately). Then I texted him to ask him to stay at home during the weekday because the kidz sleep longer when he’s home.
My husband came home right as I was going to lay down and take a nap. Instead what I got was a huge lecture. It was SUPPOSED to be a discussion, but he was talking AT me, not with me. And as usually, any invisible ballz that I had to stand up for myself, just shriveled up and died instantly.
He wanted to know about how I felt about moving to NC, where his family lives. Thinking about living with my MIL so she can help me with the kidz. I asked about the school system there, etc. He went off in a tirade about police being trained to shoot to kill anyone they saw fit, etc. He also went off on a tirade about the school system. He’s very negative and an emotional vampire. And he knows how to talk to make me feel and sound immature and stupid.
And then, there was this “AHA” moment. My husband ALLOWS us to have a tv and watch dvds. He doesn’t stay at home because he’s trying to get into a better place in the moment, religiously. Us and the tv and all of it. Basically he said that we have lead him down and a bad path and it lead him to some bad decisions (probably the weed I found, torn condom packets, etc). He can’t babysit us, or his kidz. He has to spend all his time away from us to focus on himself.
He says I’ve gone down a bad path too. I’m not brainwashed like I was when I married him. When I was totally manipulated to do everything he wanted he loved me. And now that I’m not, he sees me as his pathway to hell. He may have mentioned and praised the Islamic State (ISIS) somewhere in there and I just kept my mouth shut. He knows I think they’re invalid and he sees me as corrupt for thinking such. Anyways ………….
He says now that he’s 41 (40 years old by standard calender) he has to focus on his path to the hereafter. If he hangs around us, he’ll be worshipping up. He thinks that me NOT giving up on my children is worshipping them and that I don’t Truly worship Allah.
All these years and it finally comes out – he sees us as not only a burden, but as his path to hell. And we are preventing him from his journey with Allah.
I know that this is not true. I know that being a good husband and father are HIGH, HIGH religious duties and very praiseworthy. Mentally I know this but basically when he implied that we are evil, it still kind of hurt. Yes it hurt. Yes I take everything personally. He doesn’t think there should be too many emotions in a marriage, marriage is only a business contract.
I wish one day that my children find love even though they have autism. And yet I don’t have autism and I don’t even have love. My mind is just confused, boggled and completely overwhelmed right now.