So, somehow I got it in my head about my husband denying cheating, and claiming that he no longer did it.
Last weekend I was weak, I was yearning to be held soooooo badly. And I went upstairs to try and lay in his bed. It always ends up with him not touching me; him treating me like I’m a leper.
………And I lost my nerve.
I can’t even count how many times he has rejected me and ignored me. It all rolls together, blurry like a fog. But the feeling, is NOT foggy. It’s soooo overwhelming.
I was beginning to think that I am the problem. That I need to try harder. And then after my husband was angry driving through the snow after picking me up from Walmart, I found a torn condom wrapper in the garage.
Before, when I confronted my husband about condoms so many years ago, he says they were for me.
My husband KNOWS I hate condoms. I hate them with a passion.
And now I realize that I am completely gas lighted. It has completely messed me up. I know that gas lighting has changed my mind too much. I know it. But I don’t know how to undo it.
NO clue what so ever.
So now I’m back to the beginning. I cringe when he walks through the door. I hate this new anxiety.