Back to the Beginning …..

So, somehow I got it in my head about my husband denying cheating, and claiming that he no longer did it.

Last weekend I was weak, I was yearning to be held soooooo badly. And I went upstairs to try and lay in his bed. It always ends up with him not touching me; him treating me like I’m a leper.

………And I lost my nerve.

I can’t even count how many times he has rejected me and ignored me. It all rolls together, blurry like a fog. But the feeling, is NOT foggy. It’s soooo overwhelming.

I was beginning to think that I am the problem. That I need to try harder. And then after my husband was angry driving through the snow after picking me up from Walmart, I found a torn condom wrapper in the garage.

Before, when I confronted my husband about condoms so many years ago, he says they were for me.

Hahahahahahaha

My husband KNOWS I hate condoms. I hate them with a passion.

And now I realize that I am completely gas lighted. It has completely messed me up. I know that gas lighting has changed my mind too much. I know it. But I don’t know how to undo it.

NO clue what so ever.

So now I’m back to the beginning. I cringe when he walks through the door. I hate this new anxiety.

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Starting Therapy

I have recently started going to therapy. When I first started (I’ve only been 3x), I was going crazy. Sometimes crying for no reason. Just being overwhelmed. Trying to manage by myself without going COMPLETELY crazy. Talking to family only helps so much.

My favorite website EP closed down. Now I go to ILIASM and Similar Worlds to be myself and especially talk about sexless marriage.

Well it feels great to be validated and know I’m not crazy. My therapist believes that my husband has anti-social personality disorder. I’ve briefly looked into it and a lot of the traits sounds exactly like my husband.

I’m still coming to terms with all of it. But it is nice to know its not in my head. It can seem like that sometimes because of how powerful the mind games are.