My Grandma’s Past with Me

My aunt’s boyfriends, youngest son is living with my aunt. Thats a huge story just by itself lol.

But since he has issues and my grandma tries to help with him then it has triggered my grandma’s memories of the past.

My grandma is generous, almost to the point of being dangerous,  like in a mentally healthy kind of way.

She likes to be the victim. She doesn’t want to let go of the past. And she has always been a bit of a control freak. She only remembers what other people did to her, and not what she’s done to other people. Grrrrr.

I lived with my grandma from 14 to 17. My mom was an alcoholic and drug addict. She was in jail and then in rehab.

No one sat me down and talked to me. Not that I remember anyways. It was just, you’re moving in with Grandma. That was it.

I would try to walk to my room and calm myself down. My grandma wouldn’t let me walk away. She’d follow me and get in my face until I hit her. What I did was wrong, but whenever I’d ask her for some space, she’d never give it to me.

I have no problem taking credit for my good and bad actions, but I hate it when other people don’t take responsible for THEIR share.

After my mom died, I didn’t handle her death very well. I did have some very bad temper tantrums at school. My grandma put me under immense pressure for college. So much pressure. My mom hadn’t been dead for even a year.

I ended up hitting her in school. I went with my dad. I ended up shaving my head and then my aunt came and got me for an intervention.

I was in the mental hospital for a week. Then I lived in kind of like intervention housing for kidz. My grandma felt unsafe around me and like she had to walk on egg shells.

I didn’t trust my grandma. I knew what I did was wrong but I didn’t trust her because she refused to admit her faults. I admitted to mine. I am always the one that apologises, to everyone.

I don’t handle anger well. Its gotten much, much better. Unless I see red which is very rare now a days.

I am sick to my stomach. Literally. I have apologized soooo many times and every time she acts like its the first time she’s heard it.

Now that my Aunt’s, bf’s youngest son is there, she dots on him. And she talks about how great he is. And at the end, she uses her “venting” to bring it back and blaim it all on ME.

She doesn’t just do this to me. She does this to EVERYONE.

To this day, she is still jealous of her sister. My great Aunt is one of my favoritest people in the world. I love her to pieces. She’s loving, nurturing, motherly and very accepting.

She’s even helped me understand me aunt better and why she is the way she is. It makes so much sense. My aunt is very stressy, very screamy, and bi-polar. Apparently I hadn’t realised what it would have been like to grow wup with such a controlling mother. I see it differently now.

I love my grandma and I appreciate what she does but I don’t trust her. I thought we had gone past that so I don’t trust her. But I have learned to love and have immense gratitude for some of my other elders. My great Aunt, my great, great grandpa (my grandma doesn’t get along. Thats her step-dad. He raised her, and when he was a drug addict and alcoholic, he molested her).

Its horrible and vile. He apologised to all of his kidz for beating them. He has apologised to my grandma. My grandma won’t forgive him. And thats fine. The rest of us grandchildren and great grandchildren, he’s never touched.

He has always been funny and accepting. Sometimes it was hard for him, coming from an older, white generation (When I became Muslim and I got married, my husband being black made him a big uncomfortable.)

But now I’m gonna be more cautious around her. She won’t forgive me no matter how much I grovel. And even if she has forgiven me, she still takes pleasure in rubbing my nose over and over again. I won’t trust her and I’ll be cautious.

 

 

 

 

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Crude Judgement

Lately my husband has been apologizing; to anyone but me, about his behavior. Like saying it’s okay to kill Christians, etc. He’s nicer to the kids……. and yet he says I’m going to hell for Belly Dancing. Le sigh. He doesn’t say this about any music or dancing but Arab music and Belly Dancing.

Tonight my husband and his friend were talking about religious stuff. Well my husband and his friend still support ISIS, aka Daesh. They actually think that it’s all propaganda. OMG.

So many Muslim scholars have spoken out against the. So many mass murders and they think it’s propaganda. My husband thinks I’m ignorant and stupid.

And the way my husband and his friend, who is living with us and is basically a parasite, were talking about other Muslims. Ugggh. Everyone is at a different place in their spiritual/religious journey. Who are you to judge!?! They think because they read a couple of books that they know everything. They read, but their hearts are cold and hard and don’t comprehend.

Neglecting Family = Reconnecting to Allah

So my kidz woke me up around 3:30 a.m. and wouldn’t go back to sleep. ARghhhhh. And I couldn’t get back to sleep. I am sooooo not kidding you. I called my husband (he hasn’t been staying at home a lot lately). Then I texted him to ask him to stay at home during the weekday because the kidz sleep longer when he’s home.

My husband came home right as I was going to lay down and take a nap. Instead what I got was a huge lecture. It was SUPPOSED to be a discussion, but he was talking AT me, not with me. And as usually, any invisible ballz that I had to stand up for myself, just shriveled up and died instantly.

He wanted to know about how I felt about moving to NC, where his family lives. Thinking about living with my MIL so she can help me with the kidz. I asked about the school system there, etc. He went off in a tirade about police being trained to shoot to kill anyone they saw fit, etc. He also went off on a tirade about the school system. He’s very negative and an emotional vampire. And he knows how to talk to make me feel and sound immature and stupid.

And then, there was this “AHA” moment. My husband ALLOWS us to have a tv and watch dvds. He doesn’t stay at home because he’s trying to get into a better place in the moment, religiously. Us and the tv and all of it. Basically he said that we have lead him down and a bad path and it lead him to some bad decisions (probably the weed I found, torn condom packets, etc). He can’t babysit us, or his kidz. He has to spend all his time away from us to focus on himself.

He says I’ve gone down a bad path too. I’m not brainwashed like I was when I married him. When I was totally manipulated to do everything he wanted he loved me. And now that I’m not, he sees me as his pathway to hell. He may have mentioned and praised the Islamic State (ISIS) somewhere in there and I just kept my mouth shut. He knows I think they’re invalid and he sees me as corrupt for thinking such. Anyways ………….

He says now that he’s 41 (40 years old by standard calender) he has to focus on his path to the hereafter. If he hangs around us, he’ll be worshipping up. He thinks that me NOT giving up on my children is worshipping them and that I don’t Truly worship Allah.

All these years and it finally comes out – he sees us as not only a burden, but as his path to hell. And we are preventing him from his journey with Allah.

I know that this is not true. I know that being a good husband and father are HIGH, HIGH religious duties and very praiseworthy. Mentally I know this but basically when he implied that we are evil, it still kind of hurt. Yes it hurt. Yes I take everything personally. He doesn’t think there should be too many emotions in a marriage, marriage is only a business contract.

I wish one day that my children find love even though they have autism. And yet I don’t have autism and I don’t even have love. My mind is just confused, boggled and completely overwhelmed right now.

Good Conversation

Today I had lunch with my husband’s ex-wife. I will call her L for now. I couldn’t talk over the phone about my husband and whether or not her daughters were safe with their dad (my husband). So we decided on breakfast.

I finished my workout, finished baking bread (I mix it in the bread machine and then bake it in the oven).

So we went to IHop and talked. I told her that its just who my husband is. So far so good, hes just strong opinions and that I’ve tried to prevent him from being mean but couldn’t always stop it if I wasn’t there. One of my step-daughters wants to have a relationship with their biological father. I told her it wasn’t such a great idea for him to go to her graduation.

His decline has been gradual. Apparently when he was married to her, it was a steady decline also. So much repetition, so much toxic cycle.  I told her to tell the girls that theres nothing wrong with them, that he is not WHOLE and that it would be disappointing if she tried to have a relationship with him. He either acts nice to them and mean to me, or he just hides away and ignores everyone. The few times he pretended to at least bond with his older daughters his mean streak REALLY came out.

I just wanted to let her and the girls to know its nothing with them. Its him. Hes a covert narcissist. The conversation was good and I feel so much better having done it. A load is off my shoulders. We shared some horror stories lol. When her daughters were around 2-3 and they came home with “I love you” cards for valentines he tore them apart. With me, my son hugged him and said I love you (he has autism and at 10 talking is still an issue). He shrugged it off and was mad because he said it in English and not in Arabic. le sigh.

He has gone off the path so far, but it just seems like his nice is just a mask, and his mean is just who he really is and always has been.

It was a great conversation. It was kind of funny because her friend was soo shocked that we have breakfast together lol. But it was lovely. We are cool with each other. My kidz love her. Our kidz love each other. It doesn’t have to be ugly if you do it for the love of family and kidz.