NO Hijab

Well as everyone who knows me, they know I’m Muslim. I cover Islamically.

Lately my husband is getting more and more extreme. Even though my daughters are still little girls, more so emotionally and mentally than physically. They aren’t as developed as I was at their ages, but still.

My husband  has now decided that if they don’t adhere to his strict idea of covering, then they shouldn’t cover at all. No hijab.

All or nothing. In the past I’ve tried to explain to him, that there is hope. Progress not perfection. That just because you can’t do something perfectly, doesn’t mean you don’t do it at all. He thinks doing it my way is a disgrace to the religion. I make Islam look bad, and like a joke to non-Muslims.

sigh.

My daughters usually wear pants, long dresses, usually short sleeved and Hijabs. Pretty soon I am going to have them start wearing long sleeved shirts under their dresses because of my husband strict standards. And I’ll start making them thigh to knee long dresses, as per his standards.

Personally, I think hes getting too strict too fast. He wasn’t like this before. He says I’ve changed and thats true. I was overly strict because I was a new Muslimah (female Muslim) and I was encouraged to do so. I wasn’t really given the chance to learn at my own pace. I was pushed and pushed until we found out the kidz have autism. Then he decided the learning religion was only for him and he’d tell me what to do. What not to do. And now he complains that I’m not a good Muslimah.

One time he said I was barely a Muslim, and if I didn’t watch myself, I would no longer be valid as a Muslim.

He can be so frustrating sometimes.

My grandma has asked me if hes becoming more fanatic, and I said yes. Shes afraid he’ll try to have them circumcised. As it is, we just walk on egg shells around him. Try not to make him angry as his mean streak is getting more and more. He’ll be angry for no reason what so ever. He won’t talk about it.

I have found secret files from the VA that he has anxiety problems and serious sleeping problems. I have no idea why. Why he wouldn’t share it with me. I’m trying not to worry too much.

Just trying to not get in the way of his grumpiness. One of my daughters, I’ll call her Skinny Girl and the other one Chubby Mama. Well Skinny Girl thinks that her dad is mad because he eats too much sugar. hehe. So cute.

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Weekend Fun

This weekend me and my two daughters are visiting my grandparents and aunt. My grandma has kidney dialysis and fibromyalgia. My grandpa has Alzheimer’s and he’s recovering from a stroke. My aunt has her own ways about her and is bipolar. Her youngest two daughters are there two, and possibly her best friends two kidz.

They live an hour away from me and in 2 houses on around an acre of land.

I wanted to take my son, but he’s lower functioning and takes a lot more work. I’m not sure I could handle him AND all this open space. I felt really bad and he wanted to go so badly.

I’ll be calling my husband with instructions and to check on him. I might want to bring my son next time if my cousin, who’s a teenage boy might be staying.

I still feel bad and guilty about leaving him behind. Uggghhh. I’m not supposed to be running at all and he is a runner.

I’m gonna try to enjoy myself and do fun things with everyone while I’m here.

Getting Aggressive

Friday, my husband came home to find my daughter eating chicken nuggets with her friend who is not Muslim and she wasn’t wearing her hijab.

My husband came home, surprisingly early, and grabbed her ear and pulled her upstairs into his bedroom. I got up there as fast as I could, which wasn’t very fast with my painful knees. When I got to her, i told him NO.

He got mad and just said I need to take a nap and we went downstairs.

Even with my my daughter being reddish-brown, her ear was really red. I got her ice for her ear and her friend, commented that her dad was mean.

My grandma and my aunt just found out this past weekend about it. She asked me if hes getting more extreme, in terms of religion, and I said yes, gradually he is.

My grandma is worried he’ll try to take the kidz and have them circumcised. My grandma doesn’t quite understand him, especially why he does this and he’s American.  He was born in North Caroline and ht thinks of himself as being more Arab than me, whatever.

I’m kind of afraid that I would’t be able to stop it. I don’t want to be the woman who knows and does nothing. I want to be the kind that takes it and sacrifices herself for her kidz.

Hes intimidating and I think at this point its safe to say that I’m afraid of him.