Hoping for a better New Year!!!

This year has really sucked. It has been hard. I will not even lie, in just too many ways to count. I am hoping for a much better year. I

I am hoping to get my health under control.

I am hoping to get into better shape.

I am hoping to get a little bit better at intermittent fasting.

I am hoping to lose weight.

I am hoping to my children continue to mature and become loving people.

But ……. I am not so sure that I am hoping for a better marriage. On one hand, I’m not sure there’s anything to really hope for. On another hand, every time he acts nice during a religious or an intellectual conversation. And there I fill up with false hope only to feel bad when he ignores me later and spends the night elsewhere. And because he is the man, I’m not allowed to ask where he’s gone or going.

He’s said that more than once, as crazy as that sounds.

And to set the New Year’s off even more, I’m sick and my husband isn’t here. I’ve never ever spent a New Year’s with him doing anything.My husband discussed with me why mixed kids (like me and our kids) are confused. That because we grow up with multiple cultures, multiple identities that we can’t thrive for very long without a mental break, or whatever. That we are confused and aren’t loyal to any side of their identity.

It makes me sad. I cried. It didn’t make me feel much better afterwards. So I’ll just go on ahead and try for my own New Years.

Progress NOT perfection.

 

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Winter Blues

Right now I am sick. I’m not sure quite WHAT I have and I can’t lay down just yet. I have to pray, make lunch, have to be awake to receive a present for my son, etc.

oh boy.

I won’t be able to rest until much later.

It started with a sore throat and body aches and ear pain. Now I’m tired, with stuffy nose, runny nose, still have body aches,  among other things.

It’s hard to be sick and be such a caretaker because all you need is rest, but its hard to get rest in. Go figure.

Before this, I had made my kids a crapload of muffins. Only the double chocolate muffins actually rose and everyone loves them for dessert. SOOOOO yummy. Dark chocolate nom nom nom.

And I am feeling down. I don’t even celebrate Christmas, even though more and more Christmas is in my house because of my kids. Which is fine. I’m cool with it. Even without celebrating it, I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday energy and anxiety or whatever. Its got a very “je ne sais pas” quality that I just can’t quite describe.

So maybe it’s just winter burnout or something.

But on the other hand, I am trying to get back to doing a tiny bit of Islamic studies everyday. Right now I’m reading and writing notes from a Shi’a book called Nahjul Balargha. It’s a book of compiled sayings, sermons and letters, written by the first Shi’a Imam, ‘Ali (A.S.) , also the wife of Fatimah (A.S.), also cousin and son-in-law to the Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.S.). It’s not complete, as it was compiled by a human, but its a very good book. So much wisdom and eloquence in it. So beyond my intellect, so it’s hard for me. Its going to take a while for me, lol.

And also, I will try to create better Friday habits. God willing. Friday is the most special day. It’s also the day of Imam Mahdi (the last Imam, and the one that will establish Justice upon the earth for all humans, in the end of time, and when he comes out of occultation). So that’s something new I’m learning.  A new habit to learn, which is good. Not having goals is NEVER a good place to be.

I have to inspire myself to be a better person. I’m a babygirl without a Daddy to encourage and inspire me to be the best version of myself. So I’m trying.

Progress not perfection.

Depression and Fatigue

I have found a new doctor that listens to me. She is going to address my overwhelming fatigue. And I just got started on buPROPion, an anti-depressant that might also help with weight loss. yay.

She suggested that I start some counseling. She thought it might help to talk to someone about my problems. I’m not sure. I’m kind of undecided.

It would be nice to talk to someone about all of my complicated issues and drama that is going on right now. I’m not sure about it. I’m always afraid of seeming like a hypocondriac or something like that.

And I’m not sure how its gonna affect me or what it can do for me with all of the issues I’m having. Being overwhelmed with kidz, health problems, a couple living with me, sexless marriage, my husband ignoring me and verbally abusing me her and there.

I’m still unsure but my family thinks it would do me some good so I might at least look into it.

Cam

I sometimes engage in things I shouldn’t so that I don’t cheat on my husband. I have the temptation to cheat, just like my husband does, I just don’t do it in real life.

I do however masterbate, sometimes watch online porn, and sometimes phone sex. Sometimes I just chat with others about coming to terms with me being a submissive babygirl married to someone who is narrow minded sexually and submissive.

Last night, I cammed with someone. I don’t like camming, and I probably will never do it again.

He said I was fat and chubby and adorable and that he loved it. I’m overweight, I have loose skin and stretch marks and sagging breasts. And yet he called me adorable.

The man that is supposed to love me, and hold me and call me adorable ignores me. No matter what I do or don’t do. And this strange man thinks I’m adorable, even though I know I look the worst I’ve ever looked in my life.

It made me feel  warm inside. Not sexually, but emotionally. The babygirl side of me feel beautiful, since at least someone finds me attractive and adorable, even if my husband never will.

I don’t know why being called chubby and adorable made me feel so good inside, but it did. Maybe not the fat word, but hehe, I can ignore that one.