Internalizing my rage

Earlier today my husband was trying to talk to me about something and I asked him about it after I prayed my morning prayers. I should have known better. Grrrrrrrrr.

The topic went from one thing to another and eventually landed on female circumcision. Yeah………he doesn’t think it’s abusive or evil or harmful to women whatsoever.

And he thinks I’m making blasphemy because certain Islamic personalities from over 2,000 years ago did it.

He could have said that we can look at it Islamically, historically, culturally and then personally. But he didn’t. He thought I was vulgar because I asked him how taking a knife to my PRINCESS PARTS (hint, hint, NOT the word I actually used) wasn’t evil.

He laughed at me and told me to stop.

Somehow, some way I was able to NOT express all my fave and anger at him. It would have ended up with me kicked out and in the mental ward.

So instead I filled myself with anger and rage. I cried in the bathroom and bit my fingers to cool my rage and pain.

I HATE being laughed at. I HATE him and I wish he was dead. I HATE having to depend on him.

So I target myself for my rage and I don’t know what to do.

I feel less than nothing compared to him. He is So look religious that he can’t have a real marriage with me. Then he acts like I’m a melodramatic liar when I mention all his cheating.

I can’t win either way.

So I’m researching the topic at hand for future reference.

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Winter Blues

Right now I am sick. I’m not sure quite WHAT I have and I can’t lay down just yet. I have to pray, make lunch, have to be awake to receive a present for my son, etc.

oh boy.

I won’t be able to rest until much later.

It started with a sore throat and body aches and ear pain. Now I’m tired, with stuffy nose, runny nose, still have body aches,  among other things.

It’s hard to be sick and be such a caretaker because all you need is rest, but its hard to get rest in. Go figure.

Before this, I had made my kids a crapload of muffins. Only the double chocolate muffins actually rose and everyone loves them for dessert. SOOOOO yummy. Dark chocolate nom nom nom.

And I am feeling down. I don’t even celebrate Christmas, even though more and more Christmas is in my house because of my kids. Which is fine. I’m cool with it. Even without celebrating it, I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday energy and anxiety or whatever. Its got a very “je ne sais pas” quality that I just can’t quite describe.

So maybe it’s just winter burnout or something.

But on the other hand, I am trying to get back to doing a tiny bit of Islamic studies everyday. Right now I’m reading and writing notes from a Shi’a book called Nahjul Balargha. It’s a book of compiled sayings, sermons and letters, written by the first Shi’a Imam, ‘Ali (A.S.) , also the wife of Fatimah (A.S.), also cousin and son-in-law to the Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.S.). It’s not complete, as it was compiled by a human, but its a very good book. So much wisdom and eloquence in it. So beyond my intellect, so it’s hard for me. Its going to take a while for me, lol.

And also, I will try to create better Friday habits. God willing. Friday is the most special day. It’s also the day of Imam Mahdi (the last Imam, and the one that will establish Justice upon the earth for all humans, in the end of time, and when he comes out of occultation). So that’s something new I’m learning.  A new habit to learn, which is good. Not having goals is NEVER a good place to be.

I have to inspire myself to be a better person. I’m a babygirl without a Daddy to encourage and inspire me to be the best version of myself. So I’m trying.

Progress not perfection.

Better, but not

Things right now are getting better, but not.

So my husband has finally left being a supporter of Daesh (ISIS/ISIL).

At first I didn’t believe it but he has. And I’m happy. He is now more like a Shi’ah Muslim. I have no problem with it as long as he is better, and not like before.

So when we talk religious affairs now, he almost seems like a friend. But it ends there.

I’m not supposed to listen to music out loud because it attracts devils. Music and dancing is evil.

He’s much nicer to the kidz, but doesn’t spend as much time on them as I’d like.

He still tells me about things that will send me to hell. He hasn’t tried to mend anything. He is all about religion and nothing can be personal. No personal love or anything like that.

When he was bad, I understood my place in things. Now that he’s added some niceness to it. Now I’m back to being  to being confused. Right when I thought he was changing, he hasn’t completely changed. Grrrr. Now I’m torn between feeling guilty and validated.

I’m feeling a bit twisted about it.

 

 

 

 

Crude Judgement

Lately my husband has been apologizing; to anyone but me, about his behavior. Like saying it’s okay to kill Christians, etc. He’s nicer to the kids……. and yet he says I’m going to hell for Belly Dancing. Le sigh. He doesn’t say this about any music or dancing but Arab music and Belly Dancing.

Tonight my husband and his friend were talking about religious stuff. Well my husband and his friend still support ISIS, aka Daesh. They actually think that it’s all propaganda. OMG.

So many Muslim scholars have spoken out against the. So many mass murders and they think it’s propaganda. My husband thinks I’m ignorant and stupid.

And the way my husband and his friend, who is living with us and is basically a parasite, were talking about other Muslims. Ugggh. Everyone is at a different place in their spiritual/religious journey. Who are you to judge!?! They think because they read a couple of books that they know everything. They read, but their hearts are cold and hard and don’t comprehend.

Random Updates

I had a shot in my left knee. It was NOT a meniscus tear but knee bursitis. Because its been bothering me for a while, I have to take it easy for a week before I do some exercise.  I am very glad I got it done though.

I’m just taking it easy for now.

On another note, lots of people on EP (Experience Project) have told me I’m too passive about my husband being a supporter of ISIS, or daesh as they should be called. Bigoted Devils. That I could go to jail for knowing about it and doing nothing.

So tonight I contacted 2 different Islamic resources and asked them what to do.

I’m going to wait for their answers before I go about contacting someone else.

But I am doing something. I’m not being completely passive. I don’t want to do something premature and then I get the backlash and then no one believes me.

My husband calls me a liar anyways as it is. But I’m making progress. I just have to wait for some answers. I’m going slow and smart on this one.

 

NOT a Muslimah

So last night I made food for my husband and his friend who works with my son for respite care. I couldn’t pray since I was on my period and so my kids prayed with my husband and his friend.

My daughter came down and she was a little afraid to say it, but my husband told her I wasn’t a Muslimah anymore.

WOW

It took me time to digest all of this. He has truly gone astray. I knew he was astray when he said ISIS is Islamic, a picture on his computer blessing Osama bin Laden as a scholar when he never was. The list goes on.

Add to this that he barely engages with us and the kids are happy when he’s gone. He’s started pulling one of my daughter’s hair and cusses when giving the kids small instructions.

I’ve listened to Islamic lectures by Mufti Mink that your wife and children should come first. Your family IS an Islamic duty. But we’ve never c really been a priority. He thinks of us more as what we SHOULD be doing and we fail his unrealistic expectations.

Mufti Mink also said to be VERY careful before you accuse someone of turning against their religion. I know my husband gets this idea from his extremist friends and all the videos that are posted on YouTube. Because I think for myself and don’t do exactly what he thinks I should he thinks I shame the religion, that I’m corrupting the children and that I make religion like a clown. Ughhhhh.

I know he’s wrong. My poor daughter was very confused and really I’m just trying to do damage control right now.

Ramadan!

Ramadan started last week, I believe. I am trying very hard to not be too depressed this Ramadan.

For those who don’t know, a man can have sex with his wife after he breaks his fast. But, my husband,before my marriage became completely sexless, Ramadan was the perfect excuse to reject me. He had a “good”reason to even though it was allowed.

Then one year, he decided that he couldn’t touch me at all during Ramadan, ever after he broke his fast, to be a better Muslim. Even though its allowed. I noticed after that, he made even more excuses to not touch me, and rarely touched me after that. There were more and more and more months in between sex after that.

So …….. I’m trying to stay positive this Ramadan and focus on myself. I have been having a really hard time. So I’m focusing on small things, like reading a bit of translation of the Qu’ran. Listening to a mini-lecture every night. And I think I might try to focus on some recitation when the kidz are in bed.

Since my children have autism, its hard teaching them much. And one of my daughters is quite stubborn. lol. But I’m gonna try to be more consistent with her soon, but its hard doing everything all by myself.

And I’m trying for more reflection. Upon my life, my kidz, God. How to deal with it all.

I’m trying but its hard.