Things right now are getting better, but not.
So my husband has finally left being a supporter of Daesh (ISIS/ISIL).
At first I didn’t believe it but he has. And I’m happy. He is now more like a Shi’ah Muslim. I have no problem with it as long as he is better, and not like before.
So when we talk religious affairs now, he almost seems like a friend. But it ends there.
I’m not supposed to listen to music out loud because it attracts devils. Music and dancing is evil.
He’s much nicer to the kidz, but doesn’t spend as much time on them as I’d like.
He still tells me about things that will send me to hell. He hasn’t tried to mend anything. He is all about religion and nothing can be personal. No personal love or anything like that.
When he was bad, I understood my place in things. Now that he’s added some niceness to it. Now I’m back to being to being confused. Right when I thought he was changing, he hasn’t completely changed. Grrrr. Now I’m torn between feeling guilty and validated.
I’m feeling a bit twisted about it.
Lately my husband has been apologizing; to anyone but me, about his behavior. Like saying it’s okay to kill Christians, etc. He’s nicer to the kids……. and yet he says I’m going to hell for Belly Dancing. Le sigh. He doesn’t say this about any music or dancing but Arab music and Belly Dancing.
Tonight my husband and his friend were talking about religious stuff. Well my husband and his friend still support ISIS, aka Daesh. They actually think that it’s all propaganda. OMG.
So many Muslim scholars have spoken out against the. So many mass murders and they think it’s propaganda. My husband thinks I’m ignorant and stupid.
And the way my husband and his friend, who is living with us and is basically a parasite, were talking about other Muslims. Ugggh. Everyone is at a different place in their spiritual/religious journey. Who are you to judge!?! They think because they read a couple of books that they know everything. They read, but their hearts are cold and hard and don’t comprehend.
I had a shot in my left knee. It was NOT a meniscus tear but knee bursitis. Because its been bothering me for a while, I have to take it easy for a week before I do some exercise. I am very glad I got it done though.
I’m just taking it easy for now.
On another note, lots of people on EP (Experience Project) have told me I’m too passive about my husband being a supporter of ISIS, or daesh as they should be called. Bigoted Devils. That I could go to jail for knowing about it and doing nothing.
So tonight I contacted 2 different Islamic resources and asked them what to do.
I’m going to wait for their answers before I go about contacting someone else.
But I am doing something. I’m not being completely passive. I don’t want to do something premature and then I get the backlash and then no one believes me.
My husband calls me a liar anyways as it is. But I’m making progress. I just have to wait for some answers. I’m going slow and smart on this one.
So last night I made food for my husband and his friend who works with my son for respite care. I couldn’t pray since I was on my period and so my kids prayed with my husband and his friend.
My daughter came down and she was a little afraid to say it, but my husband told her I wasn’t a Muslimah anymore.
It took me time to digest all of this. He has truly gone astray. I knew he was astray when he said ISIS is Islamic, a picture on his computer blessing Osama bin Laden as a scholar when he never was. The list goes on.
Add to this that he barely engages with us and the kids are happy when he’s gone. He’s started pulling one of my daughter’s hair and cusses when giving the kids small instructions.
I’ve listened to Islamic lectures by Mufti Mink that your wife and children should come first. Your family IS an Islamic duty. But we’ve never c really been a priority. He thinks of us more as what we SHOULD be doing and we fail his unrealistic expectations.
Mufti Mink also said to be VERY careful before you accuse someone of turning against their religion. I know my husband gets this idea from his extremist friends and all the videos that are posted on YouTube. Because I think for myself and don’t do exactly what he thinks I should he thinks I shame the religion, that I’m corrupting the children and that I make religion like a clown. Ughhhhh.
I know he’s wrong. My poor daughter was very confused and really I’m just trying to do damage control right now.
Ramadan started last week, I believe. I am trying very hard to not be too depressed this Ramadan.
For those who don’t know, a man can have sex with his wife after he breaks his fast. But, my husband,before my marriage became completely sexless, Ramadan was the perfect excuse to reject me. He had a “good”reason to even though it was allowed.
Then one year, he decided that he couldn’t touch me at all during Ramadan, ever after he broke his fast, to be a better Muslim. Even though its allowed. I noticed after that, he made even more excuses to not touch me, and rarely touched me after that. There were more and more and more months in between sex after that.
So …….. I’m trying to stay positive this Ramadan and focus on myself. I have been having a really hard time. So I’m focusing on small things, like reading a bit of translation of the Qu’ran. Listening to a mini-lecture every night. And I think I might try to focus on some recitation when the kidz are in bed.
Since my children have autism, its hard teaching them much. And one of my daughters is quite stubborn. lol. But I’m gonna try to be more consistent with her soon, but its hard doing everything all by myself.
And I’m trying for more reflection. Upon my life, my kidz, God. How to deal with it all.
I’m trying but its hard.