Soooo Common …….

My husband has been saying several times now over several years, that cheating on your wife isn’t that big of a deal. Because it is sooooo incredibly common.

Its so nice that my pain and my tears and my personal hell, are so common and trivial.

And I don’t say anything because my husband is so great at mind games.  He’ll act intellectual and philosophical as a part of his mind games. ughhhh. le sigh.

My husband dad would take him out as a kid. and he’d meet his dad’s other women. So my husband thinks its completely normal. He had told his mother where they went, which wasn’t what his dad had said. And ……….. that was the last time my husband’s dad took him out anywhere.

So this is why he always says its normal.

Mentally, I understand that he’s rationalizing, maybe to appease his guilt. I don’t know.

I know sometimes I’ll end up crying after he says these things to me. My mind and my heart just can’t get on the same page.

 

 

Advertisements

Lectures on Sex

So several weeks ago, my husband was giving me lectures on sex. Like how sex is supposed to be in marriage. In Islamic Marriage (Shi’a).

I couldn’t even be angry. I was randomly sarcastic and laughing. I know its considered to be rude or whatever. I just thought it was hilarious that I a man who has rejected me for sex so many times is now lecturing me on something I haven’t had in 4 years.

We have now been married for 14 years and and actually, I haven’t had sex in 5 years now that I think about it. And he thinks I’m ok with it. Hilarious. OMG. So hilarious.

I know in his eyes, I’m obscenely rude, but whatever.

I just couldn’t even be angry.

It Doesn’t bother me

So some recent conversations with my husbands – he admits that he’s a hypocrite. He kind of alludes that he’s not that great.

So we’ll have an intellectual/religious conversation. He goes to pray or watch soccer videos. He comes back down and then acts so incredibly cold.

And then he implies that it doesn’t bother me. He actually doesn’t think it bothers me. He thinks that I’m ok with it. He doesn’t remember all the trying and failing. Again and again.

Sometimes I feel like I’m dealing with two different people. Its Mind boggling.

to think that it doesn’t bother me. I still randomly cry over it.

Sometimes I laugh over it. Sometimes I’m bitter and jaded. Sometimes the pain gets so much I feel like drowning and choking on my blood (emotionally, obviously).

I don’t know if he actually things this or just tells himself this.

I wonder if lots of refuser/cheaters all do this? Say the wife is ok with it, lie to live with it better?

Today I found out more things I wish I didn’t know.

Sigh.

I went into my husband’s room to get something while he was out with his daughters. And his phone was on and there was some suspicious texts. There were sooooo many and I read them all.

This woman, who doesn’t have full custody of her own daughter, she and her dad sell weed to my husband from time to time. Sometimes my husband buys weed from someone else. They get together, hook up and smoke weed.

That’s why his car reeks of weed and he acts like I don’t know what that smell means.

When I confronted him months ago, he acted like he wasn’t cheating on me anymore.

Oh boy. And he masturbates, after giving me all these lectures on masturbation being a sin.

She knows he’s Muslim. He acts so Islamic at home and this and that and all this research and then turns around and does this.

He doesn’t call me his wife. When it comes to the children, he calls me his “replacement”. He doesn’t even mention the children we’ve had together, only his older daughters.

And he complained and “vented” to her that women are oppressive and unmerciful.

WTF

From the texts that he wrote down, he won’t stay with her and move in with her because she can’t cook.

OMG.

ughhhh.

So now, when he’s acting friendly ~ I won’t trust it. It’s not real. It’s a facade.

I will continue doing wifely things other than sex, because he hasn’t touched me in 4 years, I’ll be a good Muslim wife and God willing, one day he will be exposed for who he truly is and he’ll have no one to blaim but himself.

For now, I wish I didn’t know. I know too much. It gave me soooo much anxiety. My stomach hurt. I kind of forced myself to eat tonight. Maybe too much. I don’t know.

I still feel a bit of anxiety and plan on getting back on anti-depressants.

I need them to help me fulfill my responsibilities.

Better, but not

Things right now are getting better, but not.

So my husband has finally left being a supporter of Daesh (ISIS/ISIL).

At first I didn’t believe it but he has. And I’m happy. He is now more like a Shi’ah Muslim. I have no problem with it as long as he is better, and not like before.

So when we talk religious affairs now, he almost seems like a friend. But it ends there.

I’m not supposed to listen to music out loud because it attracts devils. Music and dancing is evil.

He’s much nicer to the kidz, but doesn’t spend as much time on them as I’d like.

He still tells me about things that will send me to hell. He hasn’t tried to mend anything. He is all about religion and nothing can be personal. No personal love or anything like that.

When he was bad, I understood my place in things. Now that he’s added some niceness to it. Now I’m back to being  to being confused. Right when I thought he was changing, he hasn’t completely changed. Grrrr. Now I’m torn between feeling guilty and validated.

I’m feeling a bit twisted about it.

 

 

 

 

Denial

So …… my husband told me today he wants to talk to my daughters worker to vouch for her. I was pissed. Apparently, it doesn’t matter that I do everything and pay for everything, he basically says the kidz are his. And everything I do doesn’t matter because he’s the man of the house.

I was very pissed. He won’t let my daughters cover religiously because he thinks it makes the kidz look bad. And that the kidz will make the religion look bad. Apparently its horrible and unreligious for kidz to go to the park.

I told him he’s a hypocrite for cheating on me, etc and then saying all of this. He says the condoms I found were for us. BS. I’ve had an IUD for YEARS and he knows i hate condoms.

He denies giving me STDs after coming back from Morocco for 5 months.

He says, wheres your evidence. So basically anything I say is unfounded because I have no evidence. But he can say anything about me without evidence.

Also, yesterday I found out that we have $600 in food stamps. I had no idea we were eligible for food stamps. Apparently, he’s been keeping it to himself. Oh boy.

I can’t talk to my grandma for too long because she’s helpless to do anything and it gives her an upset stomach.

Talking to him makes me sick.

And I feel stupified (Harry Potter hehe)every single time he comes in, says a few words, and just like that I’m stumped. I don’t know how he can bring me down so easily.

One of my daughters even asks if her dad loved me. I probably shouldn’t have told her no but I did. She hopes to marry a man thats a good religious man, NOT like her father. Those were her words not mine. I told her its ok. We love each other (mommy and kidz) and thats all that mattered.

I try to hide my tears from my kidz but I can’t always do that.

It still amazes me how he can deny obvious things he’s done so easily.

Taking Control of the Money

I was going to file the PFDs and again, my husband beat me to it. GRRRRR.

My husband has slowly and slowly been getting control of more and more of the money.

As it is, I’m still in control of my childrens SSI’s. He gets the Tax Return and the childrens PFDs. I may or may not get him to give me some of the Childrens PFDs.

He uses them to pay off his debt in child support. But he also used it last year to take a trip to Morocco but I found out it was really Hawaii with his friend.

I have no idea what to do. Its just getting more frustrating.

Houseguests

My husband’s friend and his wife, are now staying with us. He’s American Black and she is Malaysian. I used to be friends with her but we had an argument years ago.

We are living peacefully right now. His mom and his sister hate them for being Muslim and they hate her not being black. They hate her because she is a foreigner. One of them threatened to kill her, and even watched her while her and her husband were having sex.

So now they are sleeping in my husbands bed with all their stuff until they find a new place. Its funny that they sleep next to each other while my husband can’t stand me. The only time he texts me is he wants food or this or that.

I feel like more of a prisoner in my own place. I have less and less. Part of this is because they are more conservative. I have to be careful when I go upstairs because my husband and her husband are up there, etc.

I have to pretend that everything is ok. He sleeps in the computer room on the floor. Its so ironic that they are the guests and they get to do more marriage things than me and i’m the woman of the house.

I know its petty and selfish and jealousy. Its just so sadly ironic to me.

Insane Conversation

So my husband got mad at me because I thought he punished one of our daughters too harshly. Shes been leaving the house early in the morning. And the police came and brought her home. I’m glad that she was safe

He was soooo pissed because I was holding her with her crying. I hate it when my children cry. He brought up how my kidz walk all over me. Granted – its true. And I am working on finding better ways of dealing with them, disciplining them.

Ughhh. I am not very assertive. I hate disciplining my kidz. I only do it if I have to. I am working on it.

My husband and I talked. He talked down to me. He knows exactly how to use his words to make me feel stupid. And he treats me like I’m stupid.

He asked me what I needed and I told him nothing. When I needed help with disciplining the kidz, he wouldn’t help me. And now he decides to randomly discipline them. He rarely remembers when hes wrong. He ALWAYS remembers when I’m wrong, but not him. And if he does, its not that often.

GRRRRRRR.

I cried later. I called my great aunt, she really helped me. Told me to block him out because hes doing it on purpose, to press my buttons. She had a similar bad marriage. She completely understands. I felt bad about just talking about myself but it felt so good to vent.

I might have also mentioned to my husband how I knew about his whores. He laughed about me bringing up “girls”. He said i was being dramatic and theatrical.

Now hes acting nicer, engaging more with the kidz.

I hate it when he does this. Treats me horribly then acts nice and then makes me think that it was all in my head. It makes me go on a roller coaster that I don’t like.

So when he’s nice I’m dubious. I don’t trust it at all. I know hes such a huge mind game and knows how to manipulate me so I don’t trust him at all.

NO Hijab

Well as everyone who knows me, they know I’m Muslim. I cover Islamically.

Lately my husband is getting more and more extreme. Even though my daughters are still little girls, more so emotionally and mentally than physically. They aren’t as developed as I was at their ages, but still.

My husband  has now decided that if they don’t adhere to his strict idea of covering, then they shouldn’t cover at all. No hijab.

All or nothing. In the past I’ve tried to explain to him, that there is hope. Progress not perfection. That just because you can’t do something perfectly, doesn’t mean you don’t do it at all. He thinks doing it my way is a disgrace to the religion. I make Islam look bad, and like a joke to non-Muslims.

sigh.

My daughters usually wear pants, long dresses, usually short sleeved and Hijabs. Pretty soon I am going to have them start wearing long sleeved shirts under their dresses because of my husband strict standards. And I’ll start making them thigh to knee long dresses, as per his standards.

Personally, I think hes getting too strict too fast. He wasn’t like this before. He says I’ve changed and thats true. I was overly strict because I was a new Muslimah (female Muslim) and I was encouraged to do so. I wasn’t really given the chance to learn at my own pace. I was pushed and pushed until we found out the kidz have autism. Then he decided the learning religion was only for him and he’d tell me what to do. What not to do. And now he complains that I’m not a good Muslimah.

One time he said I was barely a Muslim, and if I didn’t watch myself, I would no longer be valid as a Muslim.

He can be so frustrating sometimes.

My grandma has asked me if hes becoming more fanatic, and I said yes. Shes afraid he’ll try to have them circumcised. As it is, we just walk on egg shells around him. Try not to make him angry as his mean streak is getting more and more. He’ll be angry for no reason what so ever. He won’t talk about it.

I have found secret files from the VA that he has anxiety problems and serious sleeping problems. I have no idea why. Why he wouldn’t share it with me. I’m trying not to worry too much.

Just trying to not get in the way of his grumpiness. One of my daughters, I’ll call her Skinny Girl and the other one Chubby Mama. Well Skinny Girl thinks that her dad is mad because he eats too much sugar. hehe. So cute.