Winter Blues

Right now I am sick. I’m not sure quite WHAT I have and I can’t lay down just yet. I have to pray, make lunch, have to be awake to receive a present for my son, etc.

oh boy.

I won’t be able to rest until much later.

It started with a sore throat and body aches and ear pain. Now I’m tired, with stuffy nose, runny nose, still have body aches,  among other things.

It’s hard to be sick and be such a caretaker because all you need is rest, but its hard to get rest in. Go figure.

Before this, I had made my kids a crapload of muffins. Only the double chocolate muffins actually rose and everyone loves them for dessert. SOOOOO yummy. Dark chocolate nom nom nom.

And I am feeling down. I don’t even celebrate Christmas, even though more and more Christmas is in my house because of my kids. Which is fine. I’m cool with it. Even without celebrating it, I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday energy and anxiety or whatever. Its got a very “je ne sais pas” quality that I just can’t quite describe.

So maybe it’s just winter burnout or something.

But on the other hand, I am trying to get back to doing a tiny bit of Islamic studies everyday. Right now I’m reading and writing notes from a Shi’a book called Nahjul Balargha. It’s a book of compiled sayings, sermons and letters, written by the first Shi’a Imam, ‘Ali (A.S.) , also the wife of Fatimah (A.S.), also cousin and son-in-law to the Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.S.). It’s not complete, as it was compiled by a human, but its a very good book. So much wisdom and eloquence in it. So beyond my intellect, so it’s hard for me. Its going to take a while for me, lol.

And also, I will try to create better Friday habits. God willing. Friday is the most special day. It’s also the day of Imam Mahdi (the last Imam, and the one that will establish Justice upon the earth for all humans, in the end of time, and when he comes out of occultation). So that’s something new I’m learning.  A new habit to learn, which is good. Not having goals is NEVER a good place to be.

I have to inspire myself to be a better person. I’m a babygirl without a Daddy to encourage and inspire me to be the best version of myself. So I’m trying.

Progress not perfection.

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Too Immature to be Married

So, I have not hidden the fact, at least on here, that I’m a submissive babygirl. My husband doesn’t know because he’s very narrow minded and very unaccepting of sexuality in general. At least with me anyways.

My husband has told me several times that I’m too immature for marriage.

He told me about how mut’a marriages are halal in Shi’a Islam. Its a temporary marriage. My husband basically told me that if a woman is too emotional to be open to polygyny, then she should only be a temporary wife. I told him the idea is too damaging for many women. He said that people feel like shit all the time, and to just get over it.

oh sighhhhhhh.

I wanted to share a pizza with him. He got two pizzas instead of one. He said, “You think this is lady and the tramp?”. And he laughed at me.

He has told me that I’m immature for marriage. He says that I read too romance novels and that I have unrealistic views of relationships. He says this because I still have cravings and yearnings and yet we’ve almost been married for fourteen years. And yet, he got bored easily and started rejecting me for sex after two weeks of marriage.

I later went on to DDLG World and asked other littles and middles. Apparently, others have experienced the same thing. But I’m a babygirl and it makes sense.

But I also don’t think wanting emotional love, and sex and cuddles and tv marathons, and sleeping next to someone and booty rubs and kisses and contant little touches throughout the day to be immature.

I think its natural.

Cam

I sometimes engage in things I shouldn’t so that I don’t cheat on my husband. I have the temptation to cheat, just like my husband does, I just don’t do it in real life.

I do however masterbate, sometimes watch online porn, and sometimes phone sex. Sometimes I just chat with others about coming to terms with me being a submissive babygirl married to someone who is narrow minded sexually and submissive.

Last night, I cammed with someone. I don’t like camming, and I probably will never do it again.

He said I was fat and chubby and adorable and that he loved it. I’m overweight, I have loose skin and stretch marks and sagging breasts. And yet he called me adorable.

The man that is supposed to love me, and hold me and call me adorable ignores me. No matter what I do or don’t do. And this strange man thinks I’m adorable, even though I know I look the worst I’ve ever looked in my life.

It made me feel  warm inside. Not sexually, but emotionally. The babygirl side of me feel beautiful, since at least someone finds me attractive and adorable, even if my husband never will.

I don’t know why being called chubby and adorable made me feel so good inside, but it did. Maybe not the fat word, but hehe, I can ignore that one.