Sometimes a bit stupid

So just last night my husband had said in front of our kids, that I’m stupid half the time. I sometimes get things rights.

I felt so stupid. He treats me like I’m stupid anyways. He’s smarter than me. Older than me. More experienced than me. He can read and write and speak Arabic fluently and I can not. And he likes to rub it in because I’m half Arab and thinks its funny. Loves to tell me I’m too American.

And he’s cheated on me so many times. I feel super insignificant and easily replaceable. It’s so easy for him.

He has told me countless times that I don’t matter. I’m just a statistic. Just the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Rubs it in that my mom was “cracker crackhead”. He thinks its funny that I didn’t know that she was a crackhead. He loves that.

He’s let me know that no one cares and everyone will leave and become annoyed with me and abandon me.

Part of me feels like its breaking under all of this. Part of me feels stubborn for the hell of being stubborn. But sometimes I get so tired and I have no real break from the hardship.

Sometimes it helps to think that when the time is right, when the kids older, that, God willing, he’ll miraculously die and then me and my children can finally move on. But how many more years do I have to wait? He gets worse and worse every year. NO matter how much better he appears to be. He knows how to pretend and that makes him insidious.

I know I’m probably depressed but there’s not much I can do if I’m still married to him.

I’m getting harder and harder to stay strong and not get weaker. Especially since he still has all his secrets. I can’t trust him. But then I’m just that weak wife that he doesn’t want. The one that gets made fun of by everyone for being cheated on. Again and again. Its funny how I get to be the villain no matter what I do and sacrifice for my family.

I guess it kind of ties in with this Spiritual month too. A righteous man was killed and some people, not all, villainize him, cast doubt on him and side with his oppressor.

My daughter has recently started calling me Zainab. I like it. She was a righteous woman who didn’t let her brother’s enemies break her. It inspires me to not let my husband break me. But sometimes its really hard.

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My first Muharram

This is my first Muharram. Technically I have been Muslim for 14 years now. But when I was a Salafi and a Sunni no one really emphasised Muharram for me.

I became Shi’a last year but this year is the first year where I have had any bit of heightened awareness, so to speak.

It is overwhelming. It feels like a daunting task that I very much want to tackle.

It is the first month of the Islamic calender, but its a month of mourning. And the tragedy that was occuring I don’t even know how many years ago, is so tragic. Its tragic and horrific.

So this Muharram and I want to strengthen my spiritual connection and try to avoid my husband as much as I can.

I feel the loneliness and the emotional abandonement much more severely during times like this. Many couples work together for things like this, but I’m doing it by myself.

The family of the Prophet (s.a.w.s.) did not escape their pain and it doesn’t look like I will be able to either.

It is very lonely. And the only thing I can expect from him is an intellectual/religious/philosophical conversation. Nothing more. I know better than to reach out for that false hope.

I know many religious people, say that during this time, your pains go away when your remember such a tragedy. But for me, it just reinforces it for me. At least they had each other and died together. I don’t even have that. Its just me. I’m the bad guy to my kids, and teh good guy. I’m the major provider, nurterer, etc. Its everything and its very hard with very little help from HIM.

But I’m going to try and do my best during this sad, holy month.

 

Out of Sync

Right now I”m feeling completely and utterly out of sync.

I may have enjoyed too much of my free time without the kids and am having a hard time getting things done.

I’m realizing that certain things I need to avoid because they are complete time wasters.

And that some other things I need to help keep me focused – like exercise.  I know I’m also having issues with mental focus and I may look up some ways to heighten that. Tweak my diet, among other things.

This past week and a half, we have been living on rice and eggs. Just that. so …. better budgeting for this next month. Thats for sure.

I have also found that I do much better with potatoes and whole grain, REAL whole grain bread. NOT rice and noodles.

That is for sure.

I can’t wait for tomorrow, the first, so I can put it all into affect. I also have to wait for some Yoga pants. Exercise clothes really do help getting into the right mindset.

So I’m glad that I know what I need now.

 

 

New Start or BS

So my husband, recently told me that our marriage didn’t become valid until we both became Shi’a.

Which, I get, intellectually, and all. And I understand it. But people don’t forget what you did. My husband expects people just to accept him and everything because he became Shi’a, like he is born again. Slate completely wiped clean.

But I disagree. People remember.

He won’t apologize because of his ego. He doesn’t believe in begging his children or anyone else for forgiveness. People that he sees as less than him. And spending too much time with us, and he says, “I have to go pray/search/recite so I don’t go to hell.”

He’s told me multiple times me and my children are leading him to hell.

A way to make me feel loved.

And he just expects automatic forgiveness. Acts like the past 13/14 years of things don’t matter. You can’t act like that and not expect to put in work.

Just one more crazy thing to add to the list.

I know its too late for me and my marriage. Because he’s an idiot when it comes to relationships. He treats his friends with more love and respect than he ever has me or any of his children.

I just find this new aspect to be incredibly frustrating.

 

Mid-Ramadhan

Well its slightly past the middle of Ramadhan right about now. I’m doing a lot of extra cooking, especially with it being summer vacation for the children.

I have started making small improvements to my prayers. I have been listening to Islamic lectures from Youtube and I’m learning.

I’m still calling my grandma and keeping in touch. Unfortunately she’s getting less company during the summer, NOT more. So I still check on her.

Ramadhan is still hard on me. One year my husband decided that he wasn’t having any sex at all during Ramadhan, even though its allowed after breaking fast.

Cutting off all hugs, kisses, sex, EVERYTHING, during Ramadhan began years ago. And so every Ramadhan hurts because he has a valid excuse to not have anything to do with me.

And if the conversation turns non-religious, he stops because its sinful, or I’m leading him to hell, or he has to go and study so he won’t go to hell, etc, etc etc.

So Ramadhan is a psychological reminder of what I can never have.

And also, my husband had told me recently, the spouses shouldn’t look at each other naked. Even if its something that I’d need so I’m not tempted. For years and years he’s looked at the ground instead of looking at me.

So joyful. Le sigh. And if I see him shirtless or anything close like that, I hate it. Its just another annoying and painful reminder.

I tend to cry randomly during this month because of what I know I’ll never have. But its halfway over and am trying to focus on better prayers.

Sexlessness = Sexual Anxiety?

I am curious if sexlessness can create anxiety? Like by the time you do get touched, its painful and awkward and you just have all this anxiety related to intimacy/sex.
I am curious if this is normal, especially if your spouse touches you in a small way after years of nothing.

this is making actually so much more confused than ever.

The other night, I thought to try and reconnect the marriage. Its Ramadan – a time to fix broken relationships.

I texted him to tuck me into bed.

He came down, I had him get me my special sleeping pillow, Mr. Cuddles which he laughed at. I always sleep in the corner and he said I was so far away. Eventually he put his arm around my waist.

I haven’t been touched at all besides a hand shake, or bumping against him while walking down the hall way for four years now.

My heart beat. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t breathing right but forced it to slow down. I felt like was going to pop out of my ears.

I didn’t know if I wanted his hand to go up or down. And then I wanted him to get his stupid hand off of me after depriving me of everything for YEARS and cheating on me.

I am so confused. When he’s an a-hole, I know what to expect and what to think. But this action of hope? or whatever, its got me so twisted and confused. I don’t know if I want him to tuck me into bed again or not.

And even then, “I” initiated just like I’ve done the majority of the time, which creates more anxiety.

Health Frustrations

I have pcos. I’ve gained weight since my two falls this winter. I can’t seem to lose the weight.

It looks like I’m going back to recording my food and doing some more tweaking with my intermittent fasting and seeing if I get any results.

Its so frustrating. I just want to feel stronger and healthier. Maybe some recording is most definitely in order.

I just feel like I’m bouncing around trying to figure out what works for me.

GRRRRRRRRRR.

Huge Update

My husband is no longer extremist. He is still very conservative and hyprocritical and harsh, but not extremist. I gave information to my husband’s ex-wife to give to the FBI, and now the FBI wants him to be an informant.

oh boy.

My husband is now a Shi’a muslim. We all are actually. I thought about the information that my husband told me, and I eventually agreed with it because it made sense to me. That was not the reason that my husband wanted me to convert from Sunni to Shi’a.

He wants me to have X amount of faith because of X reason, when he wants it. He doesn’t quite understand that everyone is entitled to their own spiritual journey.

Le sigh.

So now, its like the same problem but different flavor. He still cheats, goes out at night at strange hours, still mostly ignores me. Still no sex for four years now. No hugs, no kisses, no dinner and a movie, no nothing.

The outside has changed, but he’s still really the same person. Right now I’m just trying to cope with all of this. Plus the fact that I have fallen two times in the snow and it wasn’t pretty. I have gone to the Orthopedic doctor. Right now I have really bad IT band syndrome and I still can’t walk up the stairs with my left leg. I’m holding off on some physical therapy exercises, and see if it helps. Otherwise, I’ll be going back to a physical therapist.

Daughter’s Behavior Problems ….

My daughter K is in 6th grade and she has autism. In the beginning of the school year they didn’t have a teacher just a sub. It was like 6 weeks or more before they had a teacher.

And I brainstormed ideas for her behavior issues. But nothing works because she’s learned that bad behavior gets her home to do whatever.

She’s escalating.

Now she’s going to be transferred to a special school for behavior issues. Her brother goes to the same school.

But for some reason it really got to me. I could hear my daughter screaming bloody murder as I left my meeting. Its really hard seeing your child with autism having these issues and being helpless to stop it.

My husband did NOT tell me that its gonna be ok. Nope.

First he told me that bad things happen so you won’t go to Hell. Which, is fine to say, but, maybe not at THAT exact moment.

Then at home, he went off to describe all these problems.

My husband has been saying over and over again that if you complain, that you are a disbeliever and won’t go to Paradise. Someone who has horrible things happen to them and doesn’t complain, will get this and NOT you.

Its a bit troubling. I’ll probably confide is someone better than me on this issue.

This is just not the right time to talk about this.

I’m dealing with this basically all by myself. If he does help me calm her down, which he can do easily because he’s kind of a leaner Alpha so my daughter mostly calms down around him.

But its still so hard. He can talk but he’s not doing any of the work.