This year has really sucked. It has been hard. I will not even lie, in just too many ways to count. I am hoping for a much better year. I
I am hoping to get my health under control.
I am hoping to get into better shape.
I am hoping to get a little bit better at intermittent fasting.
I am hoping to lose weight.
I am hoping to my children continue to mature and become loving people.
But ……. I am not so sure that I am hoping for a better marriage. On one hand, I’m not sure there’s anything to really hope for. On another hand, every time he acts nice during a religious or an intellectual conversation. And there I fill up with false hope only to feel bad when he ignores me later and spends the night elsewhere. And because he is the man, I’m not allowed to ask where he’s gone or going.
He’s said that more than once, as crazy as that sounds.
And to set the New Year’s off even more, I’m sick and my husband isn’t here. I’ve never ever spent a New Year’s with him doing anything.My husband discussed with me why mixed kids (like me and our kids) are confused. That because we grow up with multiple cultures, multiple identities that we can’t thrive for very long without a mental break, or whatever. That we are confused and aren’t loyal to any side of their identity.
It makes me sad. I cried. It didn’t make me feel much better afterwards. So I’ll just go on ahead and try for my own New Years.
Progress NOT perfection.
So no matter what I do the doctors can’t find the cause of my lack of energy. The last time at the gynecologist was just humiliating. Like I don’t eat right. I eat a crapload of veggies and good protein and she just looks at me with pity.
I haven’t been able to go under 255 in 3 years. It ranges between 250 to 260. Previously 250 WAS my highest weight.
So I decided to be some pills as “helping aids”. After I got home, it dawned on me that I’ve always taken “helpers”. As a teen I took chromium for cravings, other times this or that and the other.
I tried Hydroxycut but it made my heart beat too fast. So now I’m taking Green Tea Fat Burner. In one week I’ve lost 2 pounds which is healthy and sane. 255 pounds. I haven’t weighed 255 in years. usually its 257-260.
But I’m happy with my slow progress. I’m taking my exercise levels s l o w l y so I don’t burn out and build a good habit.
However, the other day I decided to have egg fried rice that I cooked for everyone else. I gained 2 pounds. The bad thing is I gained 2 pounds incredibly fast, the good thing is that I know this and know what to expect if I eat rice. And even brown rice, no matter how tasty, still doesn’t satiate me as a carb. Grrrrrr.
Another good thing is that I realize how INCREDIBLY sensitive I am to carbs. Its good that I’m realizing it.
I, knowing this, am aware I’m going to have to come up with some good strategies to resist the damn things since my kidz and husband can eat them and I really shouldnt. 😦
Right now I’m having a hard time coming to terms with my limitations.
I have been looking at other people who are fitter than me. And I’ve noticed that even they have physical limitations. Its helping me come to terms.
I hate that I can’t do squats or lunges. I hate that bending my knees too much hurts. I hate that because of my weight, that my exercise options are so limited.
I KNOW this has also gone about with me not exercising as much as I want to because I’ve been pouting about it.
So I’m trying to accept my body more and come to terms with its limitations.
I’ve heard from “Yoga with Adrienne” on Youtube, say that when you accept your limitations and work with it, then you can move past it.
So….. I don’t want to. But I’m just gonna have to accept that my body is soooo much more limited than I want it to be.
I’m going back to my knee rehab exercises, gentle walking workouts, belly dancing, and most importantly, I’m going to have to start being MORE vigilant with my flexibility training.
A few years ago, my weight went down from 250 to 230. And it slowly crept back up. Yesterday it was 257. This is truly my low point, or high point, lol.
So I have decided to start over. I’m having MORE fatigue even though I’m not new to exercise.
So I’m going back to the basics. Walking exercises. Light belly dance drillz. Gentle Yoga and stretching.
This is where I’m gonna be for a while. In the meanwhile I’m doing research on fatigue and stuff like that. Back to babysteps.
So….. my hormones are out of control. Erratic periods and days and days of spotting. Since I wasn’t doing anything, my gynecologist decided to switch my IUD to a hormone based one.
If I had known how painful it would be, I would have opted for pills lol.
I went in and after the scope was in, she pulled out the old IUD. Not super painful, but most definitely uncomfortable. ughhh.
Then she tried to put in the new one but I wouldn’t quit screaming in pain. It hurt so bad. And yeah …… she ended up giving me a shot in my vagina. She said this won’t hurt as bad as before. I said what are you giving me, she said never mind and then she said, “Grit your teeth”. Oh boy. I’m pretty sure I started screaming about why its so hard to be a woman, lol.
It hurt. After all this breathing, painful moaning and screaming ~ I still hurt and was exhausted. I also had blood work done.
I came home and slept off the rest of the pain.
My test came back all completely normal and I have another appointment to discuss the next course of action.
And I’m still spotting from the new IUD.
le sigh. Female stuff is so painful but trying to take care of my health.
Apparently I’m overexercising. Which could account for some of my cravings and my recent bloating.
I wish it wasn’t overexericising. that I was in better shape. But I have to just accept that this just where I’m at right now.
No more than 30 minutes of dancing or else I get burned out the next day and need to sleep. I have to go to bed before 11 or I can barely get up in time and get ready for the day.
I’m trying to find the right balance so I can lose weight but not burn out and need napping the next day. And also sleep. I find that I can’t NOT function physically if I’m not well rested and have enough sleep.
For now I’m gonna take a rest day and plan my exercise attack for tomorrow.
I’ve been having stomach pains and bloating. And I’m unable to lose weight. I just found out recently that sweeteners can prevent weight loss. And then food intolerances can cause lots of bloating and weight gain.
I just realize I may be intolerant to dairy. And of course bread. I don’t think I have problems Ezekiel bread but its not quite as yummy hehe.
So I’m gonna try Coconut yoghurt, and rice milk. And find some more protein sources outside of cow’s milk. Its gonna be hard. I’m also going to replace my Equal sweetener with xylitol.
I do feel better when NOT drinking milk. I believe cheese hurts my stomach too. But yoghurt not so much.
I’m gonna try these changes and see if my tummy feels any better.
I have been eating soup lately and I just realized it may be contributing to my cravings, especially for carbs.
Soup goes right through me. It doesn’t stick in my stomach very long so it leaves me hungry. Which of course doesn’t end well for my weight.
Fortunately for me, my weight has been fluctuating from 247 to 250. So I’m not gaining, gaining, gaining but it would be nice to break this damn plateau.
Right now I’m eating a lil too much trying to atone for my blood sugar low and not having anything really substancial in my stomach.
I may also experiment with only ONE cup of caffeinated tea a day. I didn’t NOT stick to that at my aunt’s house.
No more soup
eat someting more substancial
only 1 cup of caffeinated tea a day
And we’ll see how it goes from there
I’m in a horrible food binge/fog.
I hate it when people eat junk food in front of me. My kidz did that (kind of rare) this weekend as my husband took them to the grocery store.
So I couldn’t fight my cravings. Grrrrr. I ordered Chinese Food. Not as yummy as I thought. And I was so full I felt like I was going to float away and still not satisfied.
I ran out of my protein powder. So I didn’t have a protein shake. And went grocery shopping early in the morning. I might have gotten some foods that I shouldn’t have. It put me into a coma and I slept for a couple of hours.
I’m still full. I feel sick.
It has become apparent to me that I NEED my protein shake in the morning. In fact I’m debating regular protein powder and some pre-workout.
I never want to feel like this again. So crappy and so blah. You have no idea.
I’m hoping for better days and no more self-sabotage.
I’m feeling totally off balance this summer. So hectic. I have around 18 more days until my husband goes back to work and 25 until my kidz go back to school.
So …… I am trying really hard to slowly build up habits that I’m going to need to have for when my kidz go back to school.
I”m starting with going to bed earlier. Always taking my melatonin to help my body shut (mostly my brain) shut down for bed time.
Get up early, make dinner during the day so I don’t burn out night so easily.
Making a more manageable workout schedule. Taking into account how hard taking care of the kidz is on my body. I forget this sooo often and get burned out a lot. I burn out mentally and physically a lot. And what point is exercise if you don’t get stronger, but weaker, right?
I’m also going to get my iud replaced tomorrow as its fallen too low. I also quit taking my birth control pills (for hormone balancing). Its been giving me RAGING head aches. omg. So many headaches, not always severe, but very stubborn.
I am looking forward to school and the normal schedule.