My Grandma’s Past with Me

My aunt’s boyfriends, youngest son is living with my aunt. Thats a huge story just by itself lol.

But since he has issues and my grandma tries to help with him then it has triggered my grandma’s memories of the past.

My grandma is generous, almost to the point of being dangerous,  like in a mentally healthy kind of way.

She likes to be the victim. She doesn’t want to let go of the past. And she has always been a bit of a control freak. She only remembers what other people did to her, and not what she’s done to other people. Grrrrr.

I lived with my grandma from 14 to 17. My mom was an alcoholic and drug addict. She was in jail and then in rehab.

No one sat me down and talked to me. Not that I remember anyways. It was just, you’re moving in with Grandma. That was it.

I would try to walk to my room and calm myself down. My grandma wouldn’t let me walk away. She’d follow me and get in my face until I hit her. What I did was wrong, but whenever I’d ask her for some space, she’d never give it to me.

I have no problem taking credit for my good and bad actions, but I hate it when other people don’t take responsible for THEIR share.

After my mom died, I didn’t handle her death very well. I did have some very bad temper tantrums at school. My grandma put me under immense pressure for college. So much pressure. My mom hadn’t been dead for even a year.

I ended up hitting her in school. I went with my dad. I ended up shaving my head and then my aunt came and got me for an intervention.

I was in the mental hospital for a week. Then I lived in kind of like intervention housing for kidz. My grandma felt unsafe around me and like she had to walk on egg shells.

I didn’t trust my grandma. I knew what I did was wrong but I didn’t trust her because she refused to admit her faults. I admitted to mine. I am always the one that apologises, to everyone.

I don’t handle anger well. Its gotten much, much better. Unless I see red which is very rare now a days.

I am sick to my stomach. Literally. I have apologized soooo many times and every time she acts like its the first time she’s heard it.

Now that my Aunt’s, bf’s youngest son is there, she dots on him. And she talks about how great he is. And at the end, she uses her “venting” to bring it back and blaim it all on ME.

She doesn’t just do this to me. She does this to EVERYONE.

To this day, she is still jealous of her sister. My great Aunt is one of my favoritest people in the world. I love her to pieces. She’s loving, nurturing, motherly and very accepting.

She’s even helped me understand me aunt better and why she is the way she is. It makes so much sense. My aunt is very stressy, very screamy, and bi-polar. Apparently I hadn’t realised what it would have been like to grow wup with such a controlling mother. I see it differently now.

I love my grandma and I appreciate what she does but I don’t trust her. I thought we had gone past that so I don’t trust her. But I have learned to love and have immense gratitude for some of my other elders. My great Aunt, my great, great grandpa (my grandma doesn’t get along. Thats her step-dad. He raised her, and when he was a drug addict and alcoholic, he molested her).

Its horrible and vile. He apologised to all of his kidz for beating them. He has apologised to my grandma. My grandma won’t forgive him. And thats fine. The rest of us grandchildren and great grandchildren, he’s never touched.

He has always been funny and accepting. Sometimes it was hard for him, coming from an older, white generation (When I became Muslim and I got married, my husband being black made him a big uncomfortable.)

But now I’m gonna be more cautious around her. She won’t forgive me no matter how much I grovel. And even if she has forgiven me, she still takes pleasure in rubbing my nose over and over again. I won’t trust her and I’ll be cautious.

 

 

 

 

MRSA III

So I am mostly done healing from my 3erd bout with MRSA. Two years ago I got it once in my jaw, once (small) in my nostril, and this last time it was in my cheek. The pressure was HORRIBLE. And the process was painful.

Three days after it first appeared (as a small pimple) I went to the ER. They didn’t want to cut me open and just told me to use a warm compress.

2 days I went into a walk-in clinic. They injected me 2x to numb the pain. It stung. I cried and sobbed and shook. I hated it to pieces.

Then the doctor cut me open, popped it, cleaned it out with salt water, and then stuffed it with a thin piece of cloth. I had to go everyday for 6 or 7 days and had to have at least 2 anti-biotic shots in the butt plus 10 days of antibiotics.

And now, unfortunately one of my daughters has it. It was horrible. I had my husband take her to the doctor. I now have to grind it up in applesauce and see how that goes. Our ran out and so I couldn’t afford the liquid medication.

So now I’m just trying to help her get over it. I hope and pray that she gets better soon.

 

Crude Judgement

Lately my husband has been apologizing; to anyone but me, about his behavior. Like saying it’s okay to kill Christians, etc. He’s nicer to the kids……. and yet he says I’m going to hell for Belly Dancing. Le sigh. He doesn’t say this about any music or dancing but Arab music and Belly Dancing.

Tonight my husband and his friend were talking about religious stuff. Well my husband and his friend still support ISIS, aka Daesh. They actually think that it’s all propaganda. OMG.

So many Muslim scholars have spoken out against the. So many mass murders and they think it’s propaganda. My husband thinks I’m ignorant and stupid.

And the way my husband and his friend, who is living with us and is basically a parasite, were talking about other Muslims. Ugggh. Everyone is at a different place in their spiritual/religious journey. Who are you to judge!?! They think because they read a couple of books that they know everything. They read, but their hearts are cold and hard and don’t comprehend.

Energy & Damn Carbs :(

So no matter what I do the doctors can’t find the cause of my lack of energy. The last time at the gynecologist was just humiliating. Like I don’t eat right. I eat a crapload of veggies and good protein and she just looks at me with pity.

I haven’t been able to go under 255 in 3 years. It ranges between 250 to 260. Previously 250 WAS my highest weight.

So I decided to be some pills as “helping aids”. After I got home, it dawned on me that I’ve always taken “helpers”. As a teen I took chromium for cravings, other times this or that and the other.

I tried Hydroxycut but it made my heart beat too fast. So now I’m taking  Green Tea Fat Burner. In one week I’ve lost 2 pounds which is healthy and sane. 255 pounds. I haven’t weighed 255 in years. usually its 257-260.

But I’m happy with my slow progress. I’m taking my exercise levels s l o w l y so I don’t burn out and build a good habit.

However, the other day I decided to have egg fried rice that I cooked for everyone else. I gained 2 pounds. The bad thing is I gained 2 pounds incredibly fast, the good thing is that I know this and know what to expect if I eat rice. And even brown rice, no matter how tasty, still doesn’t satiate me as a carb. Grrrrrr.

Another good thing is that I realize how INCREDIBLY sensitive I am to carbs. Its good that I’m realizing it.

I, knowing this, am aware I’m going to have to come up with some good strategies to resist the damn things since my kidz and husband can eat them and I really shouldnt. 😦

 

Limitations …..

Right now I’m having a hard time coming to terms with my limitations.

I have been looking at other people who are fitter than me. And I’ve noticed that even they have physical limitations. Its helping me come to terms.

I hate that I can’t do squats or lunges. I hate that bending my knees too much hurts. I hate that because of my weight, that my exercise options are so limited.

I KNOW this has also gone about with me not exercising as much as I want to because I’ve been pouting about it.

GRRRRRRRRRR.

So I’m trying to  accept my body more and come to terms with its limitations.

I’ve heard from “Yoga with Adrienne” on Youtube, say that when you accept your limitations and work with it, then you can move past it.

So….. I don’t want to. But I’m just gonna have to accept that my body is soooo much more limited than I want it to be.

I’m going back to my knee rehab exercises, gentle walking workouts, belly dancing, and most importantly, I’m going to have to start being MORE vigilant with my flexibility training.

 

 

 

Denial

So …… my husband told me today he wants to talk to my daughters worker to vouch for her. I was pissed. Apparently, it doesn’t matter that I do everything and pay for everything, he basically says the kidz are his. And everything I do doesn’t matter because he’s the man of the house.

I was very pissed. He won’t let my daughters cover religiously because he thinks it makes the kidz look bad. And that the kidz will make the religion look bad. Apparently its horrible and unreligious for kidz to go to the park.

I told him he’s a hypocrite for cheating on me, etc and then saying all of this. He says the condoms I found were for us. BS. I’ve had an IUD for YEARS and he knows i hate condoms.

He denies giving me STDs after coming back from Morocco for 5 months.

He says, wheres your evidence. So basically anything I say is unfounded because I have no evidence. But he can say anything about me without evidence.

Also, yesterday I found out that we have $600 in food stamps. I had no idea we were eligible for food stamps. Apparently, he’s been keeping it to himself. Oh boy.

I can’t talk to my grandma for too long because she’s helpless to do anything and it gives her an upset stomach.

Talking to him makes me sick.

And I feel stupified (Harry Potter hehe)every single time he comes in, says a few words, and just like that I’m stumped. I don’t know how he can bring me down so easily.

One of my daughters even asks if her dad loved me. I probably shouldn’t have told her no but I did. She hopes to marry a man thats a good religious man, NOT like her father. Those were her words not mine. I told her its ok. We love each other (mommy and kidz) and thats all that mattered.

I try to hide my tears from my kidz but I can’t always do that.

It still amazes me how he can deny obvious things he’s done so easily.

Florida …..

My husband recently told me that he wants us to move to Florida because there’s a larger Muslim community there that would be good for the kidz.

He can say all the right things, but I seriously doubt his intentions.

My biggest concern is that I’d be more isolated than I already am. I think he really just wants to take me away from my family so he can feel more masculine and in control. If a woman has the tiniest say in anything, he feels like its emasculating.

He says its for religion, but knowing him, its for power and control. He’s said before in the past that he’s wanted to get me away from my family. He thinks I’ll never have true religious faith when I can depend on my family for help.

Right now I’m praying that this NEVER happens. He says he’s going forward with it and he doesn’t care how sick my grandparents are.

I have no idea what to do. He doesn’t listen and treats me like I’m stupid. He talks at me, he doesn’t talk TO me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Starting Therapy

I have recently started going to therapy. When I first started (I’ve only been 3x), I was going crazy. Sometimes crying for no reason. Just being overwhelmed. Trying to manage by myself without going COMPLETELY crazy. Talking to family only helps so much.

My favorite website EP closed down. Now I go to ILIASM and Similar Worlds to be myself and especially talk about sexless marriage.

Well it feels great to be validated and know I’m not crazy. My therapist believes that my husband has anti-social personality disorder. I’ve briefly looked into it and a lot of the traits sounds exactly like my husband.

I’m still coming to terms with all of it. But it is nice to know its not in my head. It can seem like that sometimes because of how powerful the mind games are.

This

I reblogged this from daddysbabygirl69

It can’t be repeated enough. I’m not quite there yet, but I hope to be.

 

So I know I’m usually quiet on the weekends but I saw this and it is so true. So what I have been feeling.

Source: This